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satire =^==^========^=====
‘Can’t help losing my head over you’
jy Kelly Laughlin
nod of the head, and began
discribing the various heads in
the store, which appeared to be
as alive as if they were connec
ted to a body. A few of them
seemed a bit complacent, while
(others were reading, or making
faces at me.
)f The Print
The year was 1981.
Dr. Robert White, medical
irofessor at Case Western
¡eserve University in Ohio,
iad perfected research that
»gan three years ago, tran-
olanting—the heads of rats
nd monkeys. Recently, he’d
jxtended his method to human
Kings.
One week ago, White’ suc-
lessfully transplanted the head
if actor/producer Orson
Ms, to the body of country
linger Mel Tillis.
When asked to explain the
eason for the change, Tillis, I
nean Wells, explined, “Thu,
hough I stu, stutter a bu, bit
norethan usual, I thought this
vould be the best alternative to
i low fat diet,” he said. Tillis
pve his body to Wells after
osing his head in a wild coun
tymusic concert.
To some, this new develop-
nent in science technology
:ould border on the un-
lelievable. To others, a fantasy
ome true: a new self image;
our body oiessed with the ex-
remities and inner workings of
ifamous individual. Some
nay not be satisfied with their
nental capacity or personality,
ind vie for a new head, while a
¡elect few may simply want a
ace change, and keep their
wn brain intact. What man
vouldn’t want the chance to
ook like Robert Redford or
¡lint Eastwood?
By now, this practice had
«come somewhat of a fad,
nd lever for big business. In
bis year alone, four of my best
riends had made the switch at
i cost of only one payment a
lionth for two years, and a five
ear warrantee on all working
arts. Satisfaction or their old
lead back.:
¡The yellow pages were clut-
ered
with
businesses
nomoting the transplant op
ion. “Rent a John/’gave their
“This head,” the owner said,
pointing to a rounded, paun
chy face, “used to be connec
ted to an IBM executive. He
was a statistical analyst.”
“His face looks a bit beat up.
Can you tell me why?” I
questoned.
“Well,” he said, “why don’t
you ask him yourself .”
You mean they can talk,
9”
“Sure, that’s why our
business is so successful. What
good is a head to you if you
don’t know what he’s like.”
customers a body for one or
two nights, sort of like renting
out a tux. But this was even
better. The company’s slogan:
“Look great on the dance floor
with the body of John Travolta
and your own head.”
The odds were against me. 1
had to get a new face.
Everyone has to decide
whether to get a new body, a
new head, or just a new face
nowadays. I’m in pretty good
shape physically, and I have a
“Athletic Cadavers, Inc.,” warm personality. At least
sells the corpses of such greats that’s what most people say.
as Jackie Robinson, Babe But a new face, that’s an in
Ruth, Vince Lombardi and triguing idea.
But I had to work fast, I sup
Gale Sayers. “The Perfect
Smile” was a company who posed that most of the really
had at their disposal, such great good heads were gone by now.
grins as Carol Burnett, Linda I heard that yesterday Steve
Ronstat, Jimmy Carter, and McQueen donated his head to
Nipsey Russel. Oh yes, and for the prime minister of Uganda,
a small additional cost, you and much to my dismay, John ■
could have their complete Wayne finally got rid of his old
cosmetic case, complete with cancer ridden body and pur
toothpaste, dental floss, and chased the body of a 20-year-
poly grip. A few do have loose old Cherokee Indian. Although
he said he would never faith
gums.
fully do any more Westerns, he
With such an overwelming is starting a new series in the fall
amount of pressure from my entitled “The Day I Scalped a
peers, and business promotion Redskin.”
before me, I had to make a
So I jogged to the local head
quick decision: , either change shop. By now they had surely
my image, and gain status, or outnumbered
even
gas
keep my old self and loose all stations. The owner of the store
___ o_________________________
__ ___
my friends.
greeted
me ____
with __________
a smile and _ a
“But you don’t understand,”
I protested. “I don’t need an
entirely new head, just the
outer shell.”
The statistical analyst’s head
interrupted . . . “Oh, then you
want ‘Heads Without Brains,
Inc.’ They’re downstairs.”
“Yes,” the owner said, “just
take the escalator up two floors
and turn right at the first door.
And be careful not to bump
your head, they make the
doorwells kind of low these
days.”
As I stepped on the
escalator, I wondered if the
knoggin’ store owner was
trying to be funny or speaking
the truth. Toward the second
floor I began to think he wasn’t
joking when I detected a line of
headless people standing out
side the “Head Without Brains”
department.
t t
f
$
June 5, 6 & 7
at the
I
CCC Bookstore
L
hnesday, May 30,1979
♦
So I began working my way
through the headless crowd,
and had almost made it to the
door when a voice said, “Hey
buddy, what do you think you
are doing?”
“But ...”
“But nothing. Just because
youA/e been blessed with an
exceptionally good looking
head, doesn’t mean you can
cut in, Step to the back of the
line,” the headless man said.
“Did you say you thought
my head was handsome?” I
said in surprise.
“Yea,” he said, in a
somewhat audible tone. “It’s
really nice, where did you get
it?”
“Well, this is my own head,
you know. I didn’t buy it,” I
said.
“Then what are you doing
here? Go home fella. You’re
just fine the way you are.”
“I don’t know what to say
except, thanks for knocking
heads with me, ugh, I mean
bringing things to head, ugh, I
mean . . .”
“Go home buddy, before
you loose your head,” he said.
So I took the man’s advice. I
guess I was so taken by the
whole craze of transplantation,
1 got a notion that I might later
have regretted. I wonder if
Doctor White got the same
notion?
MUFFLER
PROBLEMS?
¡Cash for Books?
I
I
t
This was too much for me to
take. First I see a line-up of
bodyless heads in the head
shop, and now this. I needed a
beer with a good head on it.
But I tried to control my
anxiety. I was determined not
to let this bazaar set of incidents
upset my stomach. I mean,
how are these headless people
going to know if I squeeze right
through them to the door?
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