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the Times
Practical jokes usually come nomt
to foost.
Men who claim to own the air above
their premises will have to fight it out
with the comets.
The question is how did the Pope
discover that Fairbanks had been Vice
President of the United States?
A southern man wants a divorce
because his wife threw a glass of jelly
at him. Reports do not say she hit
him.
“Let children.eat what they want/’
says one of the medical experts. Per­
haps he is interested in the sugar
trust.
Members of the Black Hand are in
the penitentiary, where they belong.
They are no better than defaulting
bankers.
Statements as to the size of King
Leopold’s fortune do not agree. But
however large it was he didn’t take
any of it with him.
When Nordica told a Havana audi­
ence that Cuba is God’s country, she
probably meant that- it needed more
than merely human help.
“I crave not gold in yellow heaps,"
says one of the bards. Perhaps he is
too busy yearning for a pound or two
of bacon to have time for the lust of
gold.
____________
Carrie Nation recently received an
offer of marriage, but ex-Queen Lil
has not been able to find anyone who
seems to wish to talk to her privately
in the front parlor.
Mrs. Peary has just exchanged two
nice Arctic meteorites for $50,000.
They leave a vacant place on the par­
lor what-not, but $50,000 will help a
lot with the new spring hat to buy.
It is reported that a Pennsylvania
clergyman has refused to marry a lov­
ing couple because the young man’s
income is less than $2,000 a year.
Where is the evil of the high cost of
living to end?
An advance of 20 per cent in the
price of Bibles is announced for March
1. There is, however, no threat .of an
additional advance of 10 per cent a
month after that. Evidently George
F. Baer is not behind the Bible busi­
ness.
The czar’s brother has caused trou­
ble by marrying a lady who has a
string of divorces. His mother refuses
to speak to him, and Nicholas is re­
ported to be furious. Well, it was
time for a grand duke to do something
to dispel the idea that the tribe had
gone out of existence.
According to statistics there are 40,-
000 more married men in this country
than there are married women. But
there is no occasion for gossip. The
discrepancy is accounted for by the
explanation that many married immi­
grants leave their wives at home when
they come to this land of the free.
One of the* most wholesome effects of
the present discussion of the high cost
of living will be the consideration of
the advantages of economy and the
conservation of the family resources.
Many American families remain poor
because they waste more than would
maintain a thrifty French family in
comfort.
Caught in the swirl of political econ­
omy, brayed between the upper mill­
stone of supply and demand’s nether
stone, necessaries have become arro­
gant luxuries and the former luxuries
have become specimens to be treas­
ured in museums. We have learned to
do without; we have been accumulat­
ing stores of merit by controlling ap­
petite; a moral exercise.
There is no class of people so apt
to do foolish and imprudent things as
the girls who have nothing to occupy
their minds. The girl that has to
work for a living is really safer than
the one who is under no such compul­
sion. Where a girl has no serious in­
terests her future is largely dependent
upon the discretion and discernment
of her parents or guardians.
The
Philadelphia girl that ran away with
a hotel waiter, according to reports,
has , been forgiven. From what is
known to the public concerning this
case, she should have been. But has
she forgiven her guardians? She is
not as much to blame as those who
neglected to take care of her. If her
life had been, normal she would not
have been seized by the notions that
have drawn a cloud over her.
Modern school and college nre is dif­
ferent in many respects from that
which the boys of antiquity knew, but
in other respects there is a remarkable
similarity. A writer who has made a
thorough study of the universities of
ancient Greece tells us that the
“freshy” was put through “stunts”
which have changed but little in twen­
ty centuries. He was pulled this way
and that by various groups and by the
partisans of certain teachers, just as
he is now “rushed” by fraternities. The
Grecian student decked himself out in
crimson, purple and other “loud” hues.
He had nicknames for his teachers, in­
dulged in college politics, occasionally
precipitated a small riot on the street
or in the theater, got wildly excited
over athletic contests, and not infre-
.quentiy misspent his money. Educar
tional methods and standards change,
but boys are always boys.
In these days of domestic disturb­
ance and discomfiture, when house­
holds bid fair to stand still for lack
I of skilful hands to keep them mov
ing, and all sorts of schemes for com
munal living are offered as a solution.
of the problem, one is eager to grasp
at the veriest straw of suggestion.
Now regulated hours and higher train­
ing, or the united larger family
scheme, where each one must bear his
individual and accepted burden of
daily duties, may go far to relieve the
tension of material things,, if not to
save intact the threatened home it­
self. But a more direct help in this
best of works would be a changing
point of view, a shifting of one’s men­
tal values. Fashion, did the capricious
lady so incline, might become the
tenth muse, the votive goddess of do­
mestic science. Nor would any of her
worshipers be the worse, for their de­
votions. It is harder to swing a broom
than a golf stick; and how many timid
souls would worry their wits and tire
their bodies to gain a doubtful eques­
trian control if it were “bad form” to
ride horseback? It is not as if lotus­
eating repose, a dolce far niente exist­
ence, were a national ideal; we are
strenuous, even in our pastimes. One
involuntarily thinks of ’ the Chinese
philosopher’s surprise at seeing white
men dance, and his question, “Why
don’t you let your servants do this
for you?” and it becomes a serious
temptation to write a companion vol­
ume to “The Pleasures of Imagina­
tion,” and frankly call it “The Imagim
ation of Pleasure.” It is entirely in
the point of view. After all, these per­
plexing, troublesome domestic duties
are the real, the permanent things of
life, and the skilful guidance of a
household is in itself a wonderful ac­
complishment. If Fashion would but
don an apron!
“How would you like to take part
In a cantata?” * “I’d jump at the
chants.”—Louisville Courier-Journal.
Artdst—Lt’s a good thing to hunger
for fame. Model—Yes, for if you don’t
get the fame you’re sure to get the
hunger!
Bill—Did you ever try my doctor?
Jill—Oh, yes; don’t you remember
when I was sick for such a long time?
—Yonkers Statesman.
“Can. you tell me how I can keep a
maid?”, “Madame, you are in the
wrong place. The embalmer’s is next
door.”—Buffalo Express.
“I can recommend this horse, sir,”
said a dealer, “as a strong, sound ani­
mal.” “It must be,” agreed the cus­
tomer, “to have attained its present
age!”
“Lottie, what would you do if you
work up some night and found a burg­
lar in your room?” “If he was hunt­
ing for money I’d get up and help hin
hunt.”—Life.
Father—You are marrying my
daughter for love, you say? But she
get 80,000 marks dowry. Suitor—Weil,
that can’t be avoided, can it? —Flie­
gende Blatter.
“Impatience,” said Uncle Eben, “is
ginerally de feelin’ you has when you
wants somebody else to hurry an’ make
up foh de time you’s been wastin’.”—
Washington Star.
Father—What! You want to marry
my daughter? Why, sir, you can’t
suppoi' her. I can hardly do It my­
self.
Suitor (blankly)—C-can’t we
chip in together?
WOULDN’T BE RECOGNIZED.
Gentleman (hiring valet)—Then I
understand you to havp some knowl­
“Foreign Types’’ Which Are Utterly
edge of barbening. You’ve cut hair, off
Unlike the Real Thing.
on? Applicant—Off 6ir, but never
“One may wander for months and
on.
—
Boston Standard.
through the streets of foreign cities
<zHe lives on the fat of the land,”
looking for the types thiat "nightly
thrill and delight American audiences,” said a man to a friend, indicating a
writes a somewhat disgusted theater­ passer-by in the street. “What busi­
ness is he in?” “He’s the proprietor
goer.
“Only the tourist and residents of an anti-fat remedy!”
abroad know the foreigner, his cus­ “Why, Henry! How does it happen
toms and his dress, but the tourist that you can’t spoil even the simplest
does not have to make the play, nor words?” “I can’t spell ’em if they
fill the eye and ear of a people who ain’t in our spellin’ book, can I?”—
demand character as a bit of dash or Cleveland Plain Dealer.
color. Were an Italian of the work­ “Here’s a remarkable gold coin I
ing class introduced into an American want to show you, old man.” “Eh?
play he would have to be a sly, creep­ This is an ordinary half-eagle. What’s
ing villain, with a knife concealed and remarkable about it?” “It belongs to
a willingness to be bribed, or the audi­ me.”—Boston Transcript.
ence would not accept him as Italian.
Mirs. Hutton—We are organizing a
“If a Spanish girl she must wear a piano dub, Mr. Flatleigih. Will you
bright-colored skirt, a loose waist of join us? Flatleigh—With pleasure,
contrasting color, a mantilla and carry Mrs. Hutton. What pianist do you
a fan or cigarette.
propose to club first?—Tit-Bits.
“If a French girl, she must be full
Knicker—What’s Smith’s idea of
of lingerie, displaying kicks, have a himself? Böcker—He doesn’t think
small waist, plenty of plumes, a de­ anybody else can do a thing he can do,
sire for admiration and wines and and he doesn’t think anybody else can
making trouble, particularly in domes­ do a thing he can’t do.—Puck.
tic lines.
The father-7-Did mamma punish you
“If an Englishman, he must have a
to-day,
Tommie? The boy—t-Yes, sir.
monocle, a dialect and a general ap-
“What did she do?” “Made me stay
.p.earance of idiocy.
“And last, if a Scotchman, the audi­ in the house while she was taking her
ence demand that he shall be a Pres­ singing lesson.”—Yonkers Statesman.
Wigwag—What, roses! Don’t you
byterian crank or a giggling songster
with plenty of plaid scarfs and bag­ know a girl never marries the fellow
who sends her flowers? Oldbaoh—
pipes.
“I venture to say that if the ocean Sure I do. That’s why I always try
liners were to land the passengers of to keep on the safe side.—Philadelphia
other nations in the orchestra seats of Record.
the American theaters the last charac­ Sufferer—Doctor, don’t you think
ter they would recognize would be the that a change. to a warmer climate
interpolated one representing their own would do me good? Specialist—Good
gracious, man! That’s just what I
race.
“I cannot believe that all Russians lm trying to save you from!—New
are either butchers or slaves. That all fork Times.
Jews are either rich or oppressed—that
Tommie was about to have a chil-
all Swiss gentlemen are clock makers iren’s party.
“Mother,” he said
—all French women queens of debauch thoughtfully, “it won’t look well for
—all Italians, murderous villains—all I me to be stuffing myself when those
Englishmen, idiotic snobs—all Scotch­ other children are here. How will it
men half-dressed and dancing like oe if I eat my share before they come?”
marionettes, and all Spanish women
“So when Bella rejected Jack, he
eternally puffing jealousy from their ent immediately and proposed to
cigarettes.
xud?” “Yes; but that wasn’t the
“Yet managers know that to send ;3t of it. What do you think? He
an audience home contented these gave Maud an order on Bella for the
characteristics must appear.
engagement ring.’*—Boston
Tran­
“The question is, if we are • woven script.
into the foreign play over there, has
“Did you ever have appendicitis?”
any one, as yet, recognized us as said the insurance man. , “Well,”
Americans?”
answered the skeptic, “I was operated
on. But I never felt sure whether it
Could Not Afford the Extras,
Those who object, like the negro in was a case of appendicitis or a case
the following story, to the high fees of of professional curiosity.—Washing­
a good physician, do not always real­ ton Star.
“Some men are so queer.” “And you
ize what they are paying för. The
doctor in question, says a writer in Tit- are going to tell me of one particularly
Bits, was called out to attend an un­ queer one.” “Yes. It’s Mr. Barberton.
known patient. When he arrived he His wife used to beg him for nickels
found that a decrepit negro wanted his and dimes, and now he’s cheerfully
paying her a hundred a week for ali­
attention.
The negro first asked, “How much mony.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer.
yo’ charge, doctar?”
“I hope you will be interested in
“Two dollars a visit,” said the other, yonder gentleman,” said the hostess.
and when the negro gasped his sur­ “I have assigned him to take you out
prise, he continued, “That includes, to dinner?’ “I shall be,” responded
you know, my time, experience, advice the lady addressed. “That gentleman
was formerly my husband and he’s be­
and the medicine.”
“A poor old nigger like me don’t hind with his alimony.”—Washington
need all dem extras,” remarked his pa­ (D. C.) Herald.
tient. “Jist gib me ten cents’ wo’th o‘
Woggs—You seem to be very proud
yo’ cough med’cine, and dat’s enough of your youngest son. He must be a
fo’ me.” ____________ _____
very remarkable youth. Boggs—-He is,
Judging from the papers, I think he
Convenient Fish Hole.
“I have fished here for the last is the only 12-year-old boy in the coun­
try, who hasn’t invented a perfect wire»
twenty years.”
less telegraph, sub-marine boat, ox
“Ever caught anything?”
aeroplane.—Puck.
“No.” ■
“Then why do you fish here?”
“You will admit that doctors some­
“Well, it’s so near my house!”—- times make mistakes, won’t you?”
Fliegende Blatter.
“Oh, yes, the same as lawyers,” was
The man who ate thirty eggs in the cool reply. “And doctors’ mistakes
thirty minutes probably couldn’t do it are buried six feet underground,”
was the lawyer’s triumphant reply.
now; the fool rarely prospers..
“Yes,” he replied, “and the lawyer’s
Some people say they do as they mistakes often swing in the air.”—
please—but do they?
Philadelphia Ledger.
FEMMNE FANCIES
► THITJGS »miEBESTT-WOMEH
Women Who Are DIs gr untied.
A writer in the Baltimore Star has
an excellent article on the discontent
of the average woman. She says:
“Women are discontented because
they are bad losers. There is not one
woman in a million that’s got a drop
of sporting blood in her veins. When
she doesn’t win out—I say it in shame
for my sex—she welches. This Is par­
ticularly true in matrimony.
“Most of the fretful, discontented
women are married women, and their
complaint Is about the.monotony of
domestic life. They wail out that
they are always doing tasks that
have to be done right over again. That
they are cooking meals that are no
sooner cooked than eaten; sweeping
floors that have to be swept up again;
darning socks that have got holes in
them the next day, and washing baby
faces that have got bread and jam on
them in ten minutes.
“True, domestic life is monotonous.
So is every other kind of work in
the world that one follows for a liv­
ing.
The bookkeeper adds up one
column of figures after another the
year around. The shoemaker makes
thousands of pairs of shoes one after
another. The merchant wrestles with
the same cranky customers day in
and day out. The grinding monotony
of a woman’s work in. the house is
not a bit more wearying than a man’s
Is at his table or desk, yet men get
pleasure out of their work, and women
get nothing but discontent out of
theirs.
“It is because they are lying down
on their jobs. They are not being
dead game sports. They dope it out
on some fool system that, although
matrimony may mean work, for them
it is going to be some sort of a gilded
romance, and when it isn’t, when they
find out that they’ve got to do with­
out some of the things they wanted,
and do a lot of things they don’t want
to do, they put up a howl about what
poor, persecuted creatures they are.
“Women are discontented because
they are too self-conscious. They spend
their time vivisecting their emotions.
They coddle their misfortunes and
make pets and playthings of their
sorrows, and they are never so happy
as when they are miserable.
“The minute any of us stop to ask
ourselves if we are happy and satis­
fied,, the answer is bound to be “No.”
Because there is no human being so
blessed as not to have some sore spot
In his or her heart, some void In life,
some crumpled rose leaf under the
forty mattresses of ease. Yet women
who know this fact perfectly well ag­
gravate whatever Ingrowing trouble
they have in their lives by continually
harping upon it.
“What women need more than any­
thing else in the world is to be taught
the gospel of happiness. They need to
have it Impressed upon them that dis:
content is cowardice, and that if they
don’t like the conditions by which
they are surrounded it is up to them
to change things. Otherwise to shut
up. To whine about a thing and still
bear it is to ,act the part of a cur dog.
“Women also need to have it borne
In upon them that the woman who
goes off in the summer with the chil­
dren, who visits mother occasionally,
who can get off two or three after­
noons a week to shop, or go to the
matinee, or play bridge, and who still
I complains of the monotony of her lot
to a man who shows up at his office
is regular as a clock for 313 days a
year certainly has* her nerve- with her.
“The remedy for the discontented
women is to put some heart in their
work, and to keep house with intelli­
gence instead of making it a dreary
round of drudgery. And, above all,
to quit thinking about themselves so
much. Work and unselfishness—they
pace the road to happiness?’
years; Helen conquered Troy, and
plunged all the nations of antiquity
into war, and gave the earliest, as it
is still the grandest, epic which has
come down to us through all ages.
Poetry, music and fiction are based
upon woman’s love, and all the move-
uents of history are mainly due to the
sentiments or ambitions she has in­
spired. From the hearthstone, around
which lingers the recollections of our
mother, from the fireside, where our
wife awaits us, comes all the home,
all the purity, all the courage with
which we fight the battles of life.
Stylish Foulard Gown.
Needlework Notes.
Dotted wistaria satin foulard was
used to make the gown from which
this model was sketched. Plain satin-
covered buttons are elaborately used
for decoration, and the Empire waist
line is defined by a band of velvet
(several shades darker than ground
of material) attached in front at
bust line by two huge amethyst but­
tons. Chemisette and stock are white
Irish crochet lace.
Working Girls as Wives.
“The working girl makes the best
wife in the world.” This is the firm
assertion of Miss Mary MacArthur,
president of the Women’s Trade Union
League of Great Britain.
Miss MacArthur is a remarkable
woman. Net yet 30, she has been in­
terested in trade unionism among
women for more than ten years and
has practically built up the English
organization, of which she is president,
and now numbers fully 210,00 women.
It is a very big and definite force in
English labor movements.
And in defiance of all the doleful
masculine prognostications that girls
arid women who work outside the home
are thereby unfitted for the natural
feminine functions of wifehood and
motherhood, Miss MacArthur reiter­
ates: “It is the workingwomen who
make the best wives—and the best
mothers, too,” she adds composedly.
“It Is th® working woman every
time who first of all, starts out with a
wise marriage. She marries for love
and for friendship and for respect—
not just for the sake of a man—any
man who will bestow/the light of his
countenance upon her.”—Kansas City
Journal. *
The “Dubbed.” Needle.
It is unnecessary to throw away ma­
chine needles which have become dull
or even broken near the point. They
may be sharpened on the whetstone
and made as good as new. Keep a
small whetstone in the machine drawer
for this purpose.
For Grass Stains.
During the summer the children will
sit and roll on the grass, and fre­
quently the grass stains are most ob-.
stinate. It is said that if the spotted
portion of the garment is soaked in
alcohol there is nothing more effective
in removing such stains.
Woman’s Inspiration.
_ In all ages woman has been the
source of all that is pure, unselfish
and heroic in the life and spirit of
man. It was for her love Mark An­
tony lost the world; it was for her
love that Jacob of old toiled seven
Birdseye stitch is an effective ouu
line stitch.
A dainty jabot is of green tulle with
a batted lace bow.
Raffia embroidery is one of the pop­
ular novelties of the season.
Spanish embroidery is wonderfully
effective on a white linen shirt waist.
A color and color-number card is a
useful accessory of the sewing basket.
Ivory rings are better for fancy
work than the brass ones, as they do
not tarnish.
Honiton applique, in a dainty bow-
knot and flower design made a pretty
baby’s cap.
A combination of French and' eye-®
let embroidery is extremely pretty on
dainty lingerie.
A dainty necktie end of sheerest
mull had a hemstitched hem and a
little flower form in shadow embroi­
dery.
Crossbar muslin with hand-embroi­
dered scalloped edges makes a dainty
and serviceable school- apron for a
small girl.
A fancy letter for marking towels
is made of slanting satin stitch.
French knots and feather and outline
stitches.
An unusual and pretty, haqdke^chfOf
is of sheer white linen with a wide
border of hemstitching forming checks
of an even size.
For the marking of household linen
the regular marking cotton which
comes for the purpose should be used.
It is much more satisfactory than
linen thread.
“The Dollar Princes«” Hat.
Women as Inventors,
A writer in Cassler’s Magazine cele­
brates the Inventive skill of women.
He notes in the long list of mechanical
devices “springing from the fertile
A Venom ed Tongue.
brain of American womanhood” a ma­
fn truthful numbers be she sung,
chine for driving barrel hoops, a steam
The Woman
with the Serpent’s generator, a baling press, a steam and
Tongue;
Concerning whom Fame hints at things fume box, an automatic floor for eleva­
tor shafts, a rail for street railways,
Told but in shrugs and whisperings;
ah electric apparatus, packing for pis­
Ambitious from her natal hour,
ton rods, locomotive wheels, a railway
And scheming all her life for power;
With little left of seemly pride;
.tie, a stock, car, a boring machine for
With venomed fangs she can not hide; drilling gun stocks, etc. That is all
Who half makes love to you to-day, *
very well, but no woman has ever in­
To-morrow gives her guest away,
vented a machine that will button her
Burnt up within by that strange soul
up the back. She has to marry a man
She can not slake, or yet control;
to get that done with neatness and dis­
Malignant-lipp’d, unkind, unsweet;
patch.
Past all example indiscreet;
Hectic, and always overstrung—
The Woman with the Serpent’s Tongue.
—William Watson.
rival the professional man in her re­
turns from the profession.
It has not been many years since
lawyers as professional men began to
make huge fees. It has been fewer
years since the first woman lawyer>
Belva Lockwood, achieved fame. But
already women lawyers are achieving
not only fame, but fees. Last Jun®
Miss Mary E. Miller, a Chicago law­
yer and suffragette, won a $30,000 fee
on a $3,000,000 lawsuit over the estate
of the late William Bross. She has
been admitted to the bar only thirteen,
years.
|
In Boston the women have a board
of trade of their own. In New York
last September the International Fed­
eration of Business Women Was organ­
ized. There is also the Professional
Woman’s League and scores of other
such organizations. Women are band­
ing themselves in unions. They have
invaded all but seven of the many oc­
cupations enumerated in the census
reports.
And now they are capturing one of
man’s choicest strongholds—the posi­
tion of being a self-made American
millionaire.—-Bookkeeper.
For
Chilblains.
A cure that is recommended for chil­
blains is to rub the wrists and ankles
well to encourage a good circulation,
and the chilblains twice or thrice a day
with methylated spirits, or if prefer­
red, with mustard liniment or cam­
phorated oil, the last two being quite
as good as arid less dangerous than the
first, which should never be applied
near a light.
To Clean
Furniture.
By pouring a little olive oil over a
soft linen cloth and gently rubbing
over the surface of mahogany furni­
ture the white covering caused by
dampness, also all dust, is removed
and leaves the furniture a)s clear as a
mirror, and saves having it polished.
“Merry Widow” hats lived a long
time in the hearts of those who are
addicted to large hats, but they had
their day and are now almost. forgot­
ten. “The Dollar Princess” turban
comes to take the place of the “Merry
Widow” hat, and it is most artistic.
It is created of draped .velvet covered
with chiffon, and the three large os­
trich tips fall forward from the cen­
ter back over the crown.
Tills Is tlie Reason.
Women often wonder why lace cub-
tains or those of net in an open pat­
tern give better service than such ma­
terials as fine scrim, cotton voile or
dotted muslin, and the reason is that
¿losely woven fabrics, being opaque,
catch the sun’s rays directly and in
full force. This heat in time weakens
or burns the threads, while the open
weaves, allowing as they do the en­
trance of the sun’s rays, filtering
through, escape much of the scorching,
as they do not receive the full force of
the heat.
Straining .Her Eyes.
The maiden dropped her lovely eyes.
Later she cast her eyes down thq,
rocky slope of the mountainside. After
she had rested them upon the top­
most branches of a near-by tree she
let them fall upon the waters of a
Women in Professions.
placid lake. Then a visit to an oculist
Women in large industrial enter­ was imperative.—Judge.
prises, in real estate, in mines, in agri­
culture, in banks, in all occupations
The Pulse Rate.
where men make millions, are to-day
The rate of the pulse of a healthy
also making millions. Now the pro­ person is four times that of the res­
fessional women begins to bid fair to piration.