GOOD SHORT
STORIES
They are telling this story of the
fete Senator McCarren: On the second
flay of his illness his nurse took his
temperature and the Senator asked
her what it showed. “It’s 99%/’'was
the reply. “When* it gets to 100 sell,”
rejoined the patient.
Soon after King Edward had passed
the huge concoursb of children at
Househald, Norwich, a little girl was
seen by her teacher to be crying. “Why
are you crying; didn’t you see the
king?” asked the teacher. “Yes, but,
please teacher, he didn’t see me,” sob
bed the little girl.
The editor of a metropolitan journal
was lunching the other day with
friends in Boston when some one be
gan talking shop. “Do you suppose,”
asked this individual, solemnly, “that
the time will copae when poetry will
cease to be written?” “It’s here now,”
promptly replied the editor.
Among the patients in a certain hos
pital of Harrisburg there was recently
one disposed to take a dark view of
his chances for recovery. “Cheer up,
old man!” admonished the youthful
medico attached to the ward where
in the patient lay. “Your symptoms
are identical with those of my own
case four years ago. I was just as sick
as you are. Look at me now!” The
patient ran his eyes ovep the physi
cian’s stalwart frame. “What doctor
did you have?” he finally asked, feebly.
Attorney General Wickersham took
a party of public men out to Fort
Myer in hisautomobile to see the aero
plane tests one day recently. Charles
Nagel, Secretary of Commerce and La
bor, sat in the seat with Wickersham,,
and they kept up a lively conversation
during the trip. When they had ar
rived at the fort one of the party ask
ed Nagel hpw he and Wickersham got
along. “Oh, we got along all right,”
replied Nagel, “until Wicker sham be
gan to talk French to me. I don’t un
derstand French.” “Then why didn’t
you get even by talking law to him?”
exclaimed Secretary of State Knox.
There’s an old darky barber down
in the House shop that has a gift of
blarney that would put Bourke Cock-
ran to* the blush. One of the new rep
resentatives blew into the. barber shop.
He looked a little frowsy, and one
would assume that he had dined heav
ily and slept lightly. The barber
turned on the blarney faucet at once.
“Mistuh, yo’ is a Congressman, ain’t
yo?” he asked. “I am,” was the reply.
“Why do you ask?” “Oh, I jes’ couldn’t
mistake it. I knows a statesman when
I sees one. You reminded me of mah
old fren’ Senator Thurman, of Ohio,
jes’ as soon as yo’ set down in mah
chair.” “In what respect do I sug
gest that, noble gentleman?” asked the
new statesman. “Yo’ breff, sah.”
A traveling man who stutters spent
all afternoon In trying to sell a
grouchy business man a bill of goods;
and was not very successful. As the
salesman was locking up his grip the
grouch was impolite enough to observe
in the presence of his clerks: “You
must find that impediment in your
speech very inconvenient at times.”
“Oh, n-no,” replied the salesman. “Ev
ery one has his p-pe-culiarity. S-stam-
mering is mine. What’s y-yours?”
“I’m not aware that I have any,” re
plied the merchant. “D-do you stir y-
your coffee with your r-right hand?”
asked the salesman. “Why, yes, of
course,” replied the merchant, a bit
puzzled. “W-well,” went on the sales
man, “t-that’s your p-peculiarity. Most
people use a t-teaspoon.”
CHINATOWN’S DRAMATIC IDOL.
Wo Tok Lies Dying; Close to the
Scene of His Triumphs.
frightful face. His occidental visitor
did not understand, and watched old
Wo with pity. The old actor looked
for a mark of appreciation—he only
saw the sympathy‘that filled the other
man’s eyes. He sunk- back to his soiled
pillow and lay there for a moment in
silence. After a time the visitor arose
again to go and Wo dragged his racked
body up again.
“See,” said the brave old,Chinaman,
“make plenty funny face.” And this
time the visitor understood and
laughed, though on the landing out
side he found he had to swallow an
odd lump in his throat. Through the
half-open door he saw a yellow death
mask on the pillow. The dark eyes
were dimly gleaming with something
approaching happiness.
Dying, Wo
could still “mlake plenty funny face."
TRUMPET CALLS.
A DOUBTFUL REBUKE.
Rain’s Horn Sounds a Warning Note
to the Unredeemed.
The Little Quakeress Valiantly Up
braided Her Riotous Neighbor.
Your faith lacks
force if it makes
no foes.
There are no
wings on stereo
typed prayers.
They who wound
in
sport would
soon kill in ear
nest.
Zeal for statis
tics is often mistaken for zeal for
souls.
Nothing dulls the edge of principle
like sharp practice.
You have the Bible by the wrong
end when it seems useful to prove oth
ers wrong.
They who in the darkness serve as
though they saw Him always find Him
near at last.
It would help the sale of some shoes
if they were warranted to speak in
church aisles.
Some think that faith is trusting
God to cloud the- moon when they go
after chickens.
It is well to suspect that love for
sinners which is based on curiosity
about the slums.
It is strange that the man who sends
out many business bills gets mad at
one little fiun from his church.
The only thing that sincerity does
for the man on the wrong road is to
keep him longer satisfied with it.
Self-respect is a good thing, but to
be guided by it alone is like a man’s
trying to walk in the dark by the
light from his own eyes.
In a certain little New England vil
lage in the population of which Qua
kers were long predominant, their in
fluence kept the Fourth of July “safe
and sane” for many years before the
present movement to that end was in
augurated. But. new people brought
new ways, and the'Four th. grew noisier
and noisier.
Little Lucy, brought up in the home
of her Quaker grandparents, heard, as
the day approached, much condemna
tory talk of the violent and dangerous
manner in which “the world’s people”
were wont to celebrate.
She was a shy, odd, quiet child, and
when, on the eventful morning, she
was missed just as the racket began,
the first thought of her elders was that
she had been frightened into hiding.
But at noon she appeared, running in
from the long terraced garden, her
hair blowing, her eye§ bright, her little
face radiant.
“Where has thee been, child?” asked
her grandmother. “We were becoming
troubled about thee.”
“Thee needn’t have worried, grand
mother,” was the confident reply. “I
haven’t been outside the garden, and
I have been quiet and orderly, as thee
told me, and I have borne witness
against unseemly tumult besides. Hen
ry Smith’s garden rfins back to ours,
thee knows, and he has been behaving
riotously all the morning, and I have
been sitting on a fence post, watching
him riot.
“I told him when he. began, ‘Henry,
thee ought to be ashamed!’ And every
time he set off a cracker I said, ‘O
Henry!’ And when he fired a pistol
I told him weapons were wicked. But
he kept right on rioting, and this aft
ernoon he is going to riot some more,
and I Have promised to sit on the post
and rebuke him again.”
A dismayed grandmother, discerning
the spirit beneath the letter of rebuke,
forbade; and Henry was deprived of
his audience.
Boys are, of course, the chief pro
moters and victims of our too explo
sive Fourth, but the innate instinct for
explosiveness is not theirs alone. It
was an angelic blue-eyed cherub of a
tiny girl who, at the close of the first
celebration she was old enough to
share, when the last torpedo was ex
ploded, the last cartridge fired, the last
firework set off, on the glorious day,
looked eagerly upward, still quivering
with excitement, and cried aloud to the
silver orb, floating in the heavens like
one more beautiful balloon:
“O moon, moon—bust!”
1639—The first written constitution
known to history adopted at Hart
ford, Conn.
Explorer’s Feat Dwarfed by Man’
1706
—
Benjamin Franklin, statesman
Who Forged Formosan Language.
and scientist, born in Boston. Died
Those who gave credence to the
in Philadelphia, April 17, 1790.
claim of Dr. Cook to have reached the
1730
—Gov. Montgomery granted the
North Pole need not be disconcerted
city of New York a new charter.
by the verdict that his claim is, un
founded, or the gleeful self-satisfac 1777—Vermont passed a declaration of
independence.
tion of the people who denounced him
from the first. It would require a 1781—Americans under Gen. Morgan
defeated the, British at Compens,
nature schooled in duplicity and in
S. C.
ured to deception to suspect as an im
poster every one who comes along. 1794—Commodore James Armstrong,
Salverte, a French philosopher, de
distinguished naval officer, born in
Shelbyville, Ky. Died August 25,
clared that “man is credulous because
1868.
he is naturally sincere,” and Shake
speare, who knew human nature so 1806—John Breckinridge of Kentucky
well, assures us that “suspicion always
became attorney general of the
haunts the guilty mind.” It is no dis
United States.
»
grace to have believed the plausible 1814—Thanksgiving in Great Britain
doctor from the City of Churches, and
for successes over Bonaparte....
it would be a most uncomfortable
Pomerania and Rugen annexed to
world if we^had to act upon the theory
Denmark.
that all men' are liars, guilty until 1830—The charter of Randolph-Macon
proved innocent.
- College granted.
Nil Nisi Bo num.
Nor, on the other hand, need those
1838—Canadian rebels forced to evacr
who now loudly proclaim Cook as the
Dear
Henry
’s gone! No more we’ll
uate Navy Island.
see
greatest faker that ever lived, plume
themselves upon having anticipated 1842—Sir Charles Bagot arrived in 'Him speeding o’er the chalk-marked
Canada to take office , as governor
lea.
the verdict of history. It is hardly
general.
No more he’ll buck the line and punt
likely that the doctor will be able to
And do his wond’rous hurdling stunt;
rehabilitate himself, but even so, he 1846—Fifty lives lost in a theater fire No more he’ll dodge, and twist, and
in the city of Quebec.
cannot hope to occupy the most ex
fight,
alted niche in the gallery of imposters. 1849—Vancouver island ceded to the;, And, unobserved, discreetly bite.
Hudson’s Bay Company.
His fraud, if such it was, must be
He had his faults, ah, yes, but who
regarded as a very cheap and paltry 1856— First State election held in Kan Could tackle, lad, the same as you?
sas.
And so they broke his head.
deception alongside of the exploits ac
credited to George Psalmanazar and 1857— The Kansas territorial Legisla
ture met at Lecompton.
Dear Frank’s departed! Nevermore
other really clever prevaricators.
He’ll equal, quite alone, the score
1858=
—
Attempted
assassination
of
Na
Psalmanazar, after wandering over Eu
Of all the team opposed. In vain
poleon III. by Orsini.
rope in many picturesque disguises,
We’ll seek him on the blood^taine
1861
—
Confederates
seized
the
forts
and
passed himself off as a Japanese con
plain,
barracks at Pensacola.
vert from Formosa and fooled the
No more he’ll lay the runner low
1862
—
Confederates
defeated
in
battle
And give, unseen,, the stinging blow.
Bishop of London as well as the
at Middle Creek, Ky... .John Tyler, He had his faults, ah, yes, but none
savants of Oxford. He invented not
tenth President of the United Was quite his equal on the run—
only a fabulous geography of Formosa,
States, died at Richmond, Va. Born
And so they broke his neck..
but an entire language, grammar and
at Greénway, Va., March 20, 1790;
all, which he declared to be Formosan. 1863— Engagement between Federal Dear Willian^’s left! He’s gone to
Compared vith this imposter, or even
and Confederate forces p * Baÿofi:
shores
with the Ireland who forged a Shake
Teche, Louisiana... .Federal forces Where naught is known . of football
spearean play and the Macpherson
captured Arkansas Post, Arkan
scores.
sas.
- e
$
His last touchdown is made, and we
who wrote the Ossianic poemq, Dr.
Cook appears as a very amateur of 1864— Sir John Lawrence made viceroy Shall nevermore such tackling -see.
of India.. Society for promoting He’s kicked his final, goal, alas!
Munchausens, and his inventive genius
aerial navigation formed in Paris. And made his final forward pass.
decidedly deficient.
He had his faults, ah, yes, but then
There is still one chance, however, 1865— Bombardment and assault of He kicked as none will kick^ again—
Fort
Fisher..The
Fédérais
took
to inscribe his name on the roll of
And so they broke his back.
Fort Fisher, North Carolina.
fame. If it shall be proved that he
-The Sun.
consciously deceived the world and 1866— Lyman Trumbull of Illinois in
Refined Railery.
troduced the civil rights bill ir the
got away with $100,000 of its money,
“Poor Lal Brough,” said an actor at
United States Senate.
he must be acclaimed as the greatest
hold-up man of all times, and his 1868—Gov. Jenkins of Georgia removed the Lambs’, “had a great liking for
from office by Gen. Meade.
... . London ’bus drivers and conductors.
lightning foray exceeds the dashing
exploits of Jesse James.—Pittsburg 1875— Gladstone resigned the leadership,. He was always telling quaint yarns
, of the Liberal party.
about them. He told me once that, as
Gazette-Times.
1876— Memorable debate in the House he sat on a ’bus in High Holborn go
of Representatives between James ing towards Tottenham Court Road,
LONDON THEATERS.
G. Blaine and Benjamin H. Hill of an Elephant and Castle ’bus went by
Georgia on the subject of “Amnes-' the other way, and Brough’s conductor
The Ordeal of Getting; Past the
Aged Ticket Taker.
ty”
took off his badge and dangled it by
The first difference I always find be 1879— Sir William Johnston Ritchie ap-.. its cord in the Elephant and Castle
pointed chief justice of Canada.
tween going to the play in London and
driver’s face.
in New York is that in' New York the 1880— Albert Institute, Windsor, open-
“The driver, at sight of the dangling
man who has paid for a seat is made • ‘ ed by the Prince of Wales.
badge, turned purple with rage. He
to feel that he is a patron of the 1884—The new Iowa, State capital at swore and shook his fist and went on
Des Moines dedicated.
house, while in London he is greeted
terribly, while the conductor on
by the staff of the theater not ex 1887—The huge upper table rock at Ni Brough’s ’bus jiggled the badge by its
agara Falls fell, due to weight of string and laughed as if he would
actly as an intruder, but as a neces
accumulated ice.:
sary’ evil. They appreciate that an.
burst. Brough had watched the odd
audience is a necessary evil, but soon 1891—Indian war in the Northwest incident with a puzzled smile.
ended
by
the
submission
of
the
er than have one they would almost
E- “ ‘What was the idea of that per
hostile Sioux.
prefer to close,the house.
formance?’ he asked, as theconductor
In London for that dmportantly stra 1893—Mural tablet placed in Plymouth pinned on his badge again.
Church,
Brooklyn,
in
memory
of
tegic outpost of ticket taker an old-
Henry Ward Bèecher.. . .F. Bi E* “ ‘Why,’ said the conductor, point
man of eighty is always employed.
Stockbridge
re-elected
United ing his thumb derisively at the driver
You think this is accident, but it is
States Senator from Michigan... jd who still, from f a distance, shook his
not. Old age naturally suggests fail
William
McKinley inaugurated fist and swore—‘why, ye see, ’is father
ing eyesight, and when he keeps you
Governor of Ohio.
was ’ung.’ ” |
waiting in the foyer while he exam 1895—Toronto visited by a million-dol-r
Good Work.
ines your ticket and assures himself
lar fire, the second within a week
r
“
You
have
had that cook a long
that it is not a laundry bill or a mo
... .Casimir-Perier resigned the
présidency of the French repub- time, haven’t you?”
tor bus receipt you attribute the de
“Quite a while, and she’s the goods,
lay to his old eyes. But in detaining , lie.
you he has a motive. Standing at his 1897—Anglo-American arbitration trea too.”
ty signed at Washington... .Alvp £ “I wish you’d tell my tyife how you
elbow, scowling darkly, there always
Adams
began his second term at manage to keep her.”
is another man, apparently a plain
Governor of Colorado.
$ /‘I got the mayor of the city to ap
clothes out from Scotland Yard, un
point her to the office after giving
1900
—
Disastrous
fire
at
Dawson
City,
«
comfortably disguised in evening
dress. And while the aged ticket taker 1901— Kingdom of Prussia celebrated her a sort of civil service examina
tion, and now she thinks she is hold-
its bi-centenary.
pretends to scrutinize your ticket the
|
ing a political office, and, you know,
1903
—
National
Board
of
Trade
of
thé
lookout man scans you. You cannot
United States passed a resolution officeholders never let go.”—Houston
escape his eye. He never sleeps. No
favoring reciprocity with Canada. Epst.
American, no matter how reckless,
1904
— Extreme cold in Eastern Canada,
Wonderful Musical Memory.
can hope to pass that man with a
breaking the record for many Sir John Stainer had a wonderful
concealed bomb or a revolver or wear
years.
musical memory. It was put to the
ing a white tie with a dinner coat.—
11907—Governor Cummins of Iowa in test once at the Crystal Palace when
Collier’s.
inaugural address urged reform of
“Window Leaves.”
United States constitution to pro he had to play the organ in the “Mes
vide for election of President, Vice siah” and a folio copy, on which alone
In South Africa Dr. R. Marloth dis
President and Senators by the peo he could see the score, was not forth
covered six species of plants possess
ple. .. .Grand jury at Findley, Ohio, coming. The conductor was in despair,
ing what are styled “window leaves.”
returned 939 indictments against Sir John cut the knot by a wonderful
They are all stemless succulents, and
the Standard Oil Company and its tour de force, playing the part fault
the egg-shaped leaves are imbedded in
high officials..
the ground, only the apexes remaining 1908— American battleship fleet wel- lessly right through and entirely from
memory, probably the duly time the
visible. This visible part of the leaves
corned at Rio de Janeiro.
is flat or convex on the surface and 1909— King Victor ^Emmanuel of Italy “Messiah” has been so rendered.—Lon
don Standard.
colorless, so that the light can pene
received the officers of the Ameri
trate it and reach the interior of the
Petty.
can battleship fleet.... Banquet ' in
leaf below, which is green on the in
Atlanta in honor of President-elect Pet names he used to call her,
And—well, he does it yet;
Taft... .A. Lawrence Lowell elect
side. With the exception of the blunt
ed president of Harvard Univer But they’re married now, and be It far
apex,,no part of the leaf is permeable
From us to tell what names they are,
sity.
to the light, being surrounded by the
When she is in a pet.
soil in which it is buried. The first
—St. Louis Republic.
Col.
Michael
Shaughnessey,
Civil
of these plants discovered is a. species
War veteran and former United States
Some people are too honest to take
of bulbine.—London Graphic.
Marshal in the South, is dead at Salt
advice
they haven’t paid for, and oth
“There is one thing to my credit/- Lake, Utah. He is said to have fought ers are too wise.
a
bloodless
duel
during
his
term
of
of
said a brakeman today; “when kin fice with Senator Lamar of Mississip«
Many a »man with a will of his own
come to my house to visit, and I don’t pl.
PREDECESSORS OF COOK.
Poor old Wo Tok is dying in the
dingy little room above the Chinese
theater. For years he has been one
of the principal actors of that trans
planted playhouse. Men and women
from Broadway have called him the
Mansfield of Pell street and his pig
tailed countrymen have watched him
with impassive faces, which gave no
hint in the enjoyment they felt in the
ludicrous face he wore in comic opera
parts, or the gloom of his tragedy.
Now the white plague has fastened
upon him and the man who was once
the dramatic idol of the Chinese resi
dent in America is dying all alone,
says the New York correspondent of
the Cincinnati Times-Star. The walls
of his little room are covered with
silken flags, embroideries in quaint
celestial characters. On a little teak
wood tabaret by the side of the narrow
iron bed in which he lies is an opium
layout—which has been cold for many
days. The narrow window sill is cov
ered with many medicine bottles. Once
—maybe twice—a day a soft-footed
Chiinaman patters up the dirty stairs
to see if Wo Tok is still alive.
“Big actor once—little actor now,”
is the way he reviews his life. “Once
Wo make all China mans laugh: No
can make laugh now. No hab got
money now. No can smoke opium—
forglet tlouble. Wo just lie here and
think—think of time when hab plenty
money. Then Wo make laugh—see,
inake plenty funny face.” The poor
old Chinaman struggled up to the foot
of the bed clinging to the enameled
rail. A cough stopped, his progress
and he fell back, only to fight his way
again to a sitting posture. He thrust
his yellow, weazened countenance over
the bed rail and distorted it into a like it, I don’t pretend to.”
has a codicil added to it by his wife.
“The dog is man’s companion; the
elephant is his slave,” writes Sir Sam
uel W. Baker in “Wild Beasts and
Their Ways.” ’ The dog shares with
his master the delight of hunting, and
defends him from an enemy’s attack;
but an enemy might kill an elephant’s
mahout, and the huge beast would not
interfere to save him. Te. never vol
unteers his services, although he can
be trained- to do certain acts, for he
has a wonderful capacity for learning.
But he will not do them unless he is
ordered to by his mahout, to whose
guidance he submits, because he knows
that disobedience will bring punish
ment.
The mahout, sitting on the elephant’s
neck, governs the animal by an iron
hook and spike, which resembles á
boat-hook, and weighs from four to
six pounds. The mahout drives the
elephant by digging the point of the
spike into its head, and pulls him back
by inserting the hook in the tender
base of the ears. Without the hook
the elephant is like the donkey with
out the stick. • He obeys not from af
fection, but because he knows that he
will be punished if he disobeys.
An elephant whose mahout rules him
responds to the secret signs of his
driver. The gentle pressure of the
mahout’s >toe,<the compression of his
knee, the delicate touch of his heel,
or the slightest swaying of his body
to one side, guides the mighty beast
as a ship is guided by an almost im
perceptible movement of the rudder.
But the mahout must himself be cool
and free from all nervousness if he
expects the elephant to obey him.
Illustrating the fact that a poor
driver makes a disobedient elephant,
Sir Samuel says that a man may sit
a horse gracefully, byt if he has not
the gift of a “good hand” there will
be little comfort for the animal and
no ease for the rider. A rider with
a “bad hand” makes that fact known
to the horse almost as soon as he seats
himself in the saddle. The result is
that the horse becomes nervous, and
does not perceive what his master
wishes him to do.
The élephant is not bitted, and there
fore is not disturbed by a “bad hand.”
But if the mahout is nervous, or hesi
tates, or vacillates, he will be sure to
have a “bad knee” or a “bad toe.” His
mood will influence his muscles, and
the elephant feels that the mahout
does not exactly know what he is
about. Instead of obeying instantly
the pressure of knee or toe, the animal
vacillates, swings his head, becomes
unsteady, and if engaged in hunting
or scenting a tiger, turns round and
runs away—made a coward by his ma*
bout’s nervousness.
The only way in which a man can
make his’wjfe agree with him that a
woman guest has’ stayed too long, is
for him to make love to the guest«
“The sun is very low, doctor.” “Yes,.
indeed—I don’t think it will last:
through the night.”
Mother—Alice, it is bedtime. Alt
the little chickens have gone to bed..
Alice—-Yea, mamma, and so has the
hen/
“My new book is out.” How much?”
“Haven’t heard from my publisher yet,,
but I suspect about $200.”—Atlanta
Constitution.
“But why do you want to separate,.
Rosa?” “I don’t want my friends to*
think that you were the only man 1
could catch.”
Examiner—Now, children, what is,
the difference between “pro” and.
“con”? Bright Boy—Please, sir they
are spelt different.
Said He—Since I met you I have
only one thought. Said She—Well,,
that’s one more than you had when*
we met.—Chicago Daily News.
Beggar—Say, mister, would youse
givd a pore feller a dime ter save his
life?' Stranger—I should say not. I’m>
an undertaker.—Chicago News.
She—I have just discovered that the
diamonds in the diadem you gav*e me
last year are false. He—Why, then,,
they just suit your golden hair.
“Does your husband ever speak,
harshly to you?” “No. Thank heaven,,
my husband and I are not on speak
ing terms.”—Chicago Record-Herald.
Visitor—What became of that other
windmill that was here last year? Na
tive—There was only enough wind for
one, so we took it down.—Boston Tran
script.
Dorella—I take a long walk every
morning for my complexion. Mordelle
—Why, I thought there.was a drug
store just around the corner.—Chicago
Daily Nfiws.
She—Short stories seem quite the-
thing just now. He—I should say so.
Nearly every fellow I meet stops and
tells me how short he is.—Boston
Transcript.
She—Some day I want to show yon,
our fam^y tree. He (looking at her
admiringly)—I should like to see iL
I am sure it must be a peach.—Somer
ville Journal.
<
“Is Brown’s place in history secure?”
“Secure! I should think it is. Six
men have already made affidavits to
prove that he doesn’t deserve it.”—De-.
troit Free Press.
“Won’t you try to love me?” he
sighed. “I have tried,” she replied,
kindly but firmly. “My rich aunt has.
just died/’ he went on. “In that case,
dear, I will try again.”
“I’d like to get on some big New
fork newspaper.” “What could you do
on a New York newspaper?” “Well,
I believe I could write the uncon
firmed rumors.”—Pittsburg Post.
Belle—How silly men act when they
propose! Why, my husband acted like
a perfect fool. Nelle—That’s what
everybody thought when your engage
ment
was
announced.—Cleveland
Leader.
“When I returned from our poker
party last night’my wife just looked
at me; not a word was spoken.” “My
wife looked at me, too, and I don’t
believe that a word was unspoken.”—
Houston Post.
“That is a hallucination you have
about possessing a weak heart. Three
weeks’ treatment with me Will dissi
pate all of your fears.” “Dissipate my
fears? Gee, doc, that’s how I got my
weak heart.”—St. Louis Star.
“Old Moneybags is afraid that prince
he bought for his daughter is a bogus
one.” “Why so?” “When it came to
settling up. he asked for the prince’s
debts, and the fellow told him he
hadn’t any .’’^-Baltimore American.
Elsa—Oh, mamma, my bread and
butter has fallen butter side down
again! Mother (to her governess) —
Miss Smith, I must ask you to be more
careful to butter the child’s bread on
the right side.—Meggendorfer Blatter-
“Here,” said the editor, “are a num
ber *of directions from outsiders as the
best way to run a newspaper. See
that they are all carried out.” And the
office boy, gathering them all into a
large waste basket, did so.—Green Bag.
“You say it was your ‘double’ that
stole the chickens?” “Yessuh.” “You
know I gave you thirty ^ays once for
chicken stealing.” “Ah remembah,
suh.” “Well, this time you get sixty.
That’s the court’s double.”—Philadel
phia Ledger.
“Couple of fine girls, ain’t they?
One of ’em is a fine singer, and the
other one can cook.” “Yes, old man.
But there’s a tragedy in your home.
The one who sings thinks she can
cook, and the one who ’cooks thinks
she can sing.”—Cleveland Leader.
“How do you suppose she manages
to keep up appearances on her hus
band’s income^” “What is her hus
band’s income?” “I don’t know, but,
• of course, it can’t be as big as it would
have to be if they could afford to live
as they do.”—Chicago Record-Herald.
Friend—My dear girl, you have
brought all this wretchedness on your
self. What made you want to marry
such an unattractive, disreputable fel
low as this spendthrift lord? .Titled
Wife (sobbing)—I didn’t want to mar
ry him, but papa got him so cheap I
couldn’t resist such a bargain.—Balti
more America!