in other words
may1
2014
Better Parenting: Never Argue with Your Kids
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
Arguing grows out of different
interests. Arguing is a power struggle, a
contest of wills.
So why do you do it? You got
into a wrong way of communicating
your wants. You’re trying to get your
child to agree with what you want. You
think you need to explain your decisions
to your child.
Why do your kids do it? They
are interested in what they want. They
want to point out the mistakes in your
reasons. To them it is not about the issue,
it’s about getting what they want.
When does it go bad? Af-
ter ONE minute, since it is a contest of
wills. When you are not the one ask-
ing the “why” question. There is never
a good reason for parents to argue with
their kids! NEVER, DON’T DO IT!
What makes you do it then?
Because you believe your kids should
understand your reasons. You believe
you should explain your reasons. You
believe when your kids see your rea-
soning they will instantly agree and be
happy about it.
What should you do instead?
#1 Set Limits: Give your reasons, do
not argue. Say: “Here are my reasons,
one.., two.., three… and say: “I don’t
feel right about it.” Add: “And my deci-
sion is final.” To curb further hassles go
to the next step.
#2 Give Empathy: Say: “I understand.
I imagine I would be disappointed too, if
I were in your place. Just the same the
decision is final.” If your child continues
arguing, go to the next step.
#3 Give Choices: Say: “This is the fi-
nal word; any more hassles will result
in consequences.” And then give your
child two options, make sure that either
one will work fine for you. For example:
“What would be best for you, to be fun
to be with here or find another appropri-
ate place to be?” “Would you rather be
fun to be with here or find another ap-
propriate place to be?” “You may be fun
to be with here or find another appropri-
ate place to be.” You are saying the same
thing with a different phrase; choose the
one that is most comfortable for you. If
your child does not choose or decides to
do something you do not like, then you
choose.
What should you not expect
and what should you expect? Do NOT
expect: that your kids will understand-
or that your kids will agree-or that your
kids will be happy about it. DO expect:
your child will not understand your con-
cerns-and your child does not have the
advantage of your experiences in life-
that in life we all are sometimes required
to follow decisions we don’t like or un-
derstand.
Why then do my kids STILL
argue with me? 1. Kids get to put off
doing what they are told. 2. Kids want
to talk you out of your decision. 3. Kids
want to bargain for a better deal.
4. Whoever is asking the “why” question
is in control. 5. Kids cause a hassle so
you will give in. 6. Kids enjoy the con-
test of wills with you. 7. Kids make you
suffer first. 8. Kids expose your objec-
tions to argue longer and its fun some-
times.
What can stop this arguing?
Things you can try to stop the arguing:
1. THE SPONGE Gather information.
YOU become the one who asks “why”.
When your child begs and pleads, ask:
“Why should I let you?” and “Why do
you think you need this?” And “Tell me
more about it.” You might ask your child
to write out all the reasons and bring you
a list. Gather his/her entire argument so
they will use their energy thinking and
feel more heard, and say: “No, you can’t,
but thanks for asking.” or “I am sure it
would be fun, but the answer is no.”
2. THE BROKEN RECORD Ac-
knowledge your child’s wants. Say: “I
understand that…”
If your child continues to protest use the
words nevertheless, regardless, in spite
of that. For example: Child: “That’s a
stupid reason.” You: “Honey, it may be
stupid but nevertheless the answer is
no.” Child: “It’s not fair.” You: “Regard-
less of if it is not fair or not, the answer
is no.” Or you can repeat over and over
again: “ I love you too much to argue.”
And if you need to, give choices
again.
3. ZERO TOLERANCE Do not
allow ANY harassment. If you
do, you are teaching your child to
mistreat you. This is a boundary
issue. You need to set clear bound-
aries. Say: “I am your mother/fa-
ther, when you are disrespectful
you will have consequences.”
4. DELAYED CONSEQUENC-
ES Immediate consequences
are usually better than delayed
consequences. However; if you
don’t know what to do or if you
are angry you may make a poor
7
decision. Delayed consequences will
give you time to think of a consequence
or talk to someone to get help. It is im-
portant that you do not let things get out
of hand. Stop justifying your decisions
or you will make things worse. If your
child gets angry, makes threats or fol-
lows you, say: “I am going to have to
give you a consequence for this but don’t
worry about it right now.” Then add: “I
will be discussing this with you (then
state a time that is convenient for YOU.
Then stop talking immediately, stop eye
contact, slowly turn your face in another
direction and walk away slowly.) You
want to guide your child in love and not
do anything that will hinder the relation-
ship you and your child have.
Resources: Dr. James Jones, American
Parenting Institute, Jim Fay,Cline/Fay
Institute.
Sonia Spackman has a masters degree in
Marriage and Family Therapy, and can
be reached at soniaspackman@msn.com
Next Vernonia Area
Chamber of Commerce
Meeting
will be held at
Grey Dawn Gallery
879 Bridge St.
Tuesday, May 13
at 6:30 PM
