in other words
january22
2013
Better Parenting: Raising Resilient Children Prepared to Succeed In Life
be helpful.
WHEN DO WE START BUILDING
WHAT IS RESILIENCE?
RESILIENCE IN OUR CHILDREN?
Resilience is the capacity to rise
The best starting point is infancy
above difficult circumstances, the trait or as early as possible in a child’s life.
that allows us to move forward with con- The actions parents take in the years be-
fidence and hope in spite of problems.
fore adolescence can make a difference
WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME in the success of their teen or adult child.
RESILIENT?
Regardless of your child’s age, howev-
Resilient people are more suc- er, it is never too late to begin new ap-
cessful because they push their limits proaches to building resilience.
and learn from their mistakes.
HOW DO WE STRENGTHEN RESIL-
WHAT CAUSES A LACK OF RESIL- IENCE IN OUR KIDS?
IENCE?
1. Live a balanced life
Christi had a mom and dad that
If our goal is to build happy, re-
wanted to be good, committed parents. silient kids who are prepared to thrive
However, they argued loudly and struck in good times and bad it is very impor-
each other at times. During conflicts tant that we model how to take care of
Christi’s parents often heaped blame, ourselves in a good way. The greatest
judgment and criticism on each other. gift you can give your child is to live a
When she fails to get the grade she wants balanced life. If you see you are having
on a test, Christi throws a tantrum. She money, marriage, alcohol or emotional
blames her teacher or accuses classmates problems it is your adult responsibility
of cheating if they do better. Christi to deal with these problems in a respon-
learned from her parents’ behaviors.
sible way. Your kids will learn and ben-
In another family, Sandy con- efit from your efforts.
trolled and over protected the children, 2. Take Action Steps
focusing on work while her husband was
Nothing we tell our kids is as
aloof and uninvolved. Each of the chil- impacting as what they see us doing.
dren developed anxiety, anger and ex- We are their examples. When problems
cessive fears that became disabling dur- come up and we look at our problems
ing adolescence and in adulthood. These as a chance to improve and do better
parents modeled the opposite of healthy we are encouraging a resilient mindset
communication and problem solving in our kids. Our kids need to see us be-
choices.
ing positive and taking the “bull by the
WHAT CAN BE DONE?
horns.” Involve them in age appropri-
These are examples of two fami- ate problems the family is having. For
lies who live in pain and need help- not example, the car breaks down and there
just the children, but the entire family. isn’t enough money in the budget to get
Someone outside the family, often a pro- it fixed, brainstorm as a family ways to
fessional counselor, is needed to treat the save or shift money to get the car fixed.
exact issues. It is well worth the effort to They might learn to make needed sacri-
find and use such resources.
fices.
a. A Neurological Evaluation 3. Be Real, Don’t Try To Be Perfect
is needed if you suspect your child’s be-
When we acknowledge and ad-
haviors are caused by abnormal neuro- dress problems, we say no to the shame
logical conditions.
or disgrace of not being perfect. Our
b. Mental Illness in the fam- kids will have less stress and more confi-
ily may be inherited. The best option is dence being who they are when they see
to work with your doctor who will work us admitting our faults and our mistakes
with a psychiatrist for an assessment to them. They learn to feel comfortable
and/or medication that can be very help- being honest with themselves and others
ful for your child.
about their own weaknesses, hurts and
c. Developmental Roots insecurities.
where there has been neglect or abuse 4. When You Reach Your Limit -
from caregivers in infancy. When love Reach Out
has been missing – a parenting specialist
It may seem impossible to find
therapist can help with skills to put the this kind of help when you are under
child’s emotions in balance.
stress. Allow someone to help you find
d. Unhealthy Parenting The and use community resources. When
above mentioned families are an exam- you do this, you are a good example that
ple. Sometimes there are problems with strong people seek help and guidance.
children of permissive parenting as well. So take care of yourself in the way you
A good parenting training program can want your kids to if they get in a similar
situation.
5. Lead The Way - Show Your Kids
How
Healthy strategies are what give
you the energy to take care of yourself
and to give to others. Have interests,
hobbies and healthy ways to relieve your
stress and chances are your kids will too.
In closing I would like us to ask
ourselves: if we could protect our kids
from stress and disappointment, do you
think they would experience the satis-
faction of overcoming problems, and
learn that they are capable of handling
the hard situations in life?
Would our kids be able to cel-
ebrate success or have joy and pleasure
if they never faced some struggle, failure
or rejection?
Our goal must be to raise chil-
dren who can handle the ups and downs
Owned and Operated by
Don & Kim Wallace
Serving
breakfast, lunch & dinner
Ice cream - cones, shakes & sundaes
Daily Specials
Family owned and operated for over 40 years.
721 Madison Avenue, Vernonia
(503) 429-5018
Resources: Grace Ketterman, M.D.,
Ginsburg, KR, Jablow MM. Building
Resilience in Children and Teens, Giving
Kids Roots and Wings, Elks Grove, Il;
American Academy of Pediatrics, 2011.
PLEASE NOTE: A hand out for kids on
how to develop their own personal stress
plan, which strengthens resiliency, is
available for parents and students at
the Vernonia Library.
If you are interested in a parenting
training please call me at 503-429-6540
or e-mail me at soniaspackman@msn.
com.
ral
Path Health Ser
ces
vi
Mariolino’s
Pizza & Grill
the world has in store for everyone. We
need to prepare them to cope with dif-
ficult challenges and bounce back. We
must help them find happiness even
when things are not going their way.
Na
tu
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
9
Dr. Carol McIntyre
Naturopathic & Chinese Medicine
503.429.3928
cccmnd@yahoo.com
naturalpathhealthservices.com
786 Bridge Street
Vernonia, OR, 97064
