14
in other words
december25
2012
Better Parenting: 7 Dos and Don’ts to Make Holidays Brighter for Divorced or Split Families
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
It seems kind of late for holiday
planning, yet it is never too late to make
happier memories.
For some kids whose parents are
divorced or separated the holidays can
be a nightmare.
Here are some ways we may
help make the holidays better for our
kids this year.
1. TAKE TIME AWAY IF YOU HAVE
TO
DON’T allow yourself to be
thrown together before you are ready.
Time may be needed to get over hard
feelings and differences. You may find it
easier to be away and celebrate a second
holiday after the holiday.
DO understand you are still a
parent and taking care of the kids is your
first priority. Maybe you can get help
from a close relative or friend, that can
help you get through the holidays so
you will be able to celebrate with your
children. As you work at it, you can
create new traditions that will make the
holidays enjoyable again.
2. FOCUS ON GIVING INSTEAD
OF WINNING
DON’T get into conflicts over
visitation schedules. Children look
to their parents as role models. The
holidays are not the time to bring up bad
feelings or make rude statements, even if
you are being pressured into reacting.
DO try to make positive
statements to and about your ex-spouse.
It will be a gift to your kids even if they
don’t get it while they are young. Your
children will recognize your qualities
and what you do, as they get older. Here
are some suggestions for now:
• Plan ahead far in advance with
your ex-spouse and your kids if you can.
• Prioritize your wish list of
activities with dates and times that are
most important to you.
• Communicate your wants and
needs without being pushy.
• Remain calm and respectful.
Listen carefully to discover exactly what
your ex really wants. You might be able
to make trade offs.
• Put the schedule in writing
as soon as you reach an agreement
and give your ex a copy to mutually
keep track of the schedule and prevent
misunderstandings.
• Always have plan “B” Make
an easy or simple alternative plan to
replace activities that were scheduled, in
case of an emergency, such as an illness.
You will have less stress, because you
are ready.
• Head off conflicts by sticking
to your agreement and being flexible with
your plans if your ex asks you to, even
at the last minute. (Remember, “it is far
better to give than to receive.” Because
when you give, it will eventually come
back to you in bigger dividends.)
3. GIFT GIVING
DON’T compete for your
child’s love and loyalty or try to outdo
each other “buying your kids”. As the
non-custodial parent you might feel that
you need to make up for being the absent
parent by indulging your child’s whims.
This is not healthy parenting. You will
grow to resent it, and your child will
likely test you and take advantage.
DO talk to your ex, if you can
about your child’s gift list and divide the
items. Or if you can, go in togetherfor a
bigger gift.
4. KIDS NEED TIME TO ADJUST
TOO
DON’T react when your kids
have difficulty going back and forth
between two homes and when they over
react to little things because of feelings
of confusion and insecurity.
DO give your kids time to
adjust and help them feel safe no matter
what home they are in. Your kids will be
comforted knowing that you understand
and will take care of them. One of the
best gifts you can give your kids is
permission to love both parents. Your
kids may be missing the other parent.
Allow your child to communicate with
the absent parent.
5. PARENTS NEED TO DECIDE
WHERE AND WHEN TO GO
DON’T give your kids too
much power. Having kids choose to
spend time with one parent over the other
is a burden for a child, which can cause
your child to feel guilty. It also gives the
child more power than is appropriate.
Divorced families often fall into the trap
of giving the kids too much power. (Your
kids don’t decide if they want to go to
school or not.)
DO allow your kids to make
age-appropriate decisions, like what
they will wear. It helps kids feel more
confident. Try to have support, a close
relative, counselor or pastor you can turn
to for advice.
6. STEPPARENT AND STEP
SIBLINGS
DON’T force children to act
happy if they are not. However, you
can request that your child spend a brief
period of time with the family. It may be
helpful to stipulate certain requirements
such as saying hello and being respectful.
DO allow your kids to share
how they feel. It is natural to experience
some sadness around the holidays when
we talk about the “old ways.” Take a few
moments to acknowledge and help your
child mourn the loss of their family the
way it used to be. Keep expectations
realistic.
7. PRISONERS OF WAR
DON’T make your kids feel
that if their mother is happy, their dad
is sad or vice versa. Is this the way you
want your children to see you? Is this the
way you want your children to act with
others? You will modeling that there is
no such thing as a compromise, only
victory or defeat.
DO Keep your eye on what is
best for your children, freeing them from
the obligation to keep both Mom and Dad
happy. Tell them that in the spirit of the
season you will organize your time with
them and their other parent according
to what works best for them. Let them
know that this will make you happy to
see them happy. You will be promoting
the selfless spirit of the season for your
kids if you do.
References: Paul B @Buzzle.com, Holly
Abery-Wetstone & Donna Ferber, MA,
CAC, Risa Garon, LCSW-C, BCD,
CFLE, Claudia M. Lenart, Kim Hess,
Alan Ravitz, M.D, MS
Thank You
from the Vernonia Prevention Coalition
To All Our Sponsors, Supporters, Partners
and the Vernonia Community
We are looking forward to all
our upcoming activities, events and
collaborations in the new year.