14
in other words
april24
2012
Better Parenting: What should I Do When My Child Misbehaves?
Part 1--For Attention and for Power
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
Everyone needs acceptance,
especially kids. Understanding what
they will do for acceptance and a sense
of belonging will help you be a better
parent or a better teacher.
They may seek ATTENTION,
POWER,
REVENGE
or
HELPLESSNESS.
Today we will describe how
misbehavior gets kids the payoffs when
they are seeking ATTENTION and
POWER.
Do Parents and teachers cause kids to
misbehave?
No,
our kids choose their
actions. However, we could be
supporting their behavior by reacting
the way they expected. If we continue
to react in the way they expect we are
helping the behavior to continue.
What kind of misbehavior should we
focus on?
1. Action or words that are disrespectful
or ignore the rights of others at home, in
the classroom or out in public.
2. Refusal to cooperate when the child
knows what is expected.
3. Actions that are dangerous to the
child or others.
How do we turn the negative behaviors
around?
If we start reacting differently,
we can give them entirely different
message that we are not going along
with their negative behavior any more.
The new goal is for them to choose
better behavior to get what they want.
Remember, this won’t happen overnight.
Where do we start?
A good place to start is by doing
the unexpected. If you do the opposite of
what your child or your student expects
then he or she will have to find another
way to belong or feel accepted.
What are the behaviors and the goals
we need to look at?
(*note, charts recognizing the
four reasons for misbehavior and things
to try for toddlers and preschoolers,
grade school age and high school age are
still at the library and city hall for you to
pick up)
ATTENTION
Marci’s dad took Marci and her
brother to the park. Shortly after, a friend
came to talk to him. Marci told her dad
she wanted him to play tennis with her.
He told her he wanted to talk to his friend
for a few minutes first. Marci started
playing with her brother. She threw her
tennis racket and started yelling. Dad
says, “Please play quieter.” Marci says,
“OK”. After a few minutes Marci begins
pounding her tennis racket against the
fence. Dad sighs, “Marci, I asked you to
play quietly.” Two minutes later Marci
yells, “Dad, Bobby is cheating!
Clues to Marci’s goal:
1. Dad feels annoyed with Marci.
2. Dad gives attention: He nags and
reminds Marci to cooperate.
3. Marci stops for a while, and later does
something else to get her dad’s attention.
Dad knows that Marci wants attention.
What could dad do instead?
1. He could ignore the yelling and noise.
If he does, he needs to keep his face,
voice, and body calm.
2. He could give a choice. Saying, “Marci
I need to finish talking”.” You may play
quietly or go sit in the car, you decide”.
3. If she cooperates, dad could play
a game with her when he is finished
talking.
4. At another time dad could give Marci
attention when she is not asking for it.
POWER
Danny said to his mother, “Jeff’s
dad said I can go freewheeling with them
Saturday.” “No”, mom reminds Danny,
“because this is your weekend with your
dad.” Danny starts demanding that she
call his dad and changes the weekend.
Mom yells back, saying that he needs
to call his dad and explain. Danny starts
whining and arguing with his mom to call
his dad for him. She shouts, “Alright, I’ll
call him.”
Clues to Danny’s goal.
1. Mom feels angry.
2. Mom argues with Danny
3. Danny argues back and mom gives in.
Mom knows that Danny is being bossy
and that his goal is power.
What could mom do instead?
1. Mom could remain silent, turn away
slowly and go to another room.
2. Mom could tell Danny, “I love you
too much to argue with you Danny.”
Repeating this statement over and over
to Danny each time he tries to argue with
her.
3. At another time when they are not in
conflict mom could talk to Danny and
discuss legalities, options and conditions
about changing visits with dad.
OTHER THOUGHTS
Doing the unexpected is not
always easy. We need to look at how we
feel. We might need to look at our own
attitude and change the way we respond.
Making this effort is important. Our
reactions effect how our kids grow and
learn.
In Part 2 we will be covering
revenge and helplessness and things
parents could do differently. Remember,
parenting is practicing, if we make a
mistake, trust me, our kids will give us
more opportunities to get it right.
Resources, American Guidance Service,
Inc. AGS, STEP, Systematic Training for
Effective Parenting.
Results of Vernonia Marathon
and Half Marathon
Vernonia’s Fleck finishes 2 nd in Half Marathon
On April 15, 2012 over 500
runners left Cedar Ridge Camp and
headed through Vernonia and ran down
the
Banks—Vernonia Linear Trail,
taking part in the Vernonia Marathon and
Half Marathon.
Organized by the Oregon Road
Runners Club, this annual event attracts
runners from all over the northwest
and beyond. The Half Marathon ended
at Stub Stewart State Park; the full
Marathon runners finished in Banks.
Vernonian George Nathan Fleck,
Terry’s
Gym
JOIN
THE TEAM!
503-901-1705
16720 Noakes Rd. Vernonia
a 17 year old junior at Vernonia High
School , finished 2 nd overall in the Half
Marathon, (out of 371 runners ) with a
time of 1:23:03.
Jennifer Draeger was the
only Vernonian to compete in the full
Marathon—she finished 37 overall, out
of 108 runners with a time of 3:59:29.
Draeger was the 10th female to finish the
race and took 2 nd in the women’s 30-34
age category.
There were several other local
top ten finishers in the Half Marathon.
For the men, Samuel Potter finished 36 th
and took 4 th place in the Men’s 45-49 age
group with a time of 1:46:59. Vernonia
High School Principal Nate Underwood
finished 33rd and took 4 th in the Men’s
40-44 age group with a time of 1:42:14.
Amanda Wolf finished 66 th in the
women’s division and 8 th in the Women’s
30-34 age group with a time of 2:06:3.
Other Vernonia runners who
completed the Half marathon were Nicole
Miller, Maria Lemay and Erin Peura.
Help Get Ready for the
Columbia County Fair
Workshop & Work Parties
Every Saturday Until Fair
Meet at 8:30 AM at the
Fair Office