in other words
february28
2012
Better Parenting: Teach Your Child About Making Choices
By Sonia Spackman. MA, MFT
Last time we talked about
parents working their way out of the
parenting job. This time we will discuss
how parents can be more successful if
their kids had practice making choices at
home.
Real world experiences now vs. later
As we parent our kids with real world
choices and real world consequences
they can learn life-long patterns. These
patterns guide them to make good
choices and decisions that will help them
both now in school, and in the future to
be more successful in life.
Because the lessons get harder
and cost more later, we need to start
as soon as possible, but we can start
anytime and still help our kids.
A failure example
About ten years ago one of my husbands
old students stands out as an example.
He was bright but didn’t believe in
rules, respect or responsibility. Being
from a powerful family the pattern this
student learned is that his father would
run interference for him when he got in
trouble. His parents bought him a fancy
new car. His father paid his son’s traffic
tickets and bought him a second new car
after he wrecked his driving recklessly.
Can you imagine the lessons this young
man is now learning because his parents
failed to prepare him for the real world
when he was at home?
Schools and parents working together
The Vernonia School District put much
energy into the Positive Behavior
Intervention Support (PBIS) Program.
This program along with the Self
Manager Program and The Class
Guidance Lessons help many students
develop and practice good behavior at
school. However, research reveals that
parents have the most influence on how a
child learns about making good choices.
Set firm limits
Parents, adults and teachers set firm
limits in a loving, kind or respectful way
- without anger, lectures or threats. This
is how the real world works.
How choices work in the real world
The IRS gives choices like “Would you
rather pay your back taxes with cash or
your house?”
Your boss might respectfully give you
a choice like: “What would be best for
you, start getting to work on time or to
look for another job?” A police officer
gave me choices when I got stopped
out of town, “You’re welcome to mail
in a check for the amount of the fine or
you’re welcome to show up on the court
date to see if you can get it reduced.”
This cop didn’t get angry or
yell at me, or lecture me on what could
happen when I speed or threaten to give
me a good spanking or ground me from
driving.
Kids don’t handle the situation better
than we do
This might be hard for some of us. Try
to remember, if we get angry, lecture
or threaten - our kids will focus on our
anger rather than on the choices we are
trying to give them. Also remember if
we react in an angry or frustrated way
they might react back, tune us out or
become fearful of correction. We can
lose the opportunity for the lesson we
want to teach them.
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510 Bridge Street
(503) 429-0300
Hours: Mon, Wed & Thurs 8:30 - 5:00
Don’t worry if you blow it
If you make mistakes, trust me, your
kids will give you more opportunities
to practice. Try to remember, there is no
such thing as a perfect parent, and there
is no such thing as a perfect child. We
are practicing parenting and our kids are
practicing the lessons we are teaching
them.
Rules for Giving Choices
#1 Be sure that you like both choices. Do
not give one you like and one you don’t.
Kids know and will choose the one you
won’t like.
#2 Do not give a choice that you are not
willing to follow through on. Kids need
to experience the consequences for their
choices.
#3 Never give choices if the child is in
danger.
#4 Be sure to make a choice if your child
won’t choose. Saying: “ Since I am such
a good mom, grownup, or teacher I am
willing to give you 5 seconds to make
a choice.” If the child does not make a
choice you might say: “Since you have
decided not to make a choice I will have
to choose for you, sorry.”
#5 The way you state the choices is
important. Make the choices short and
clear so they are thinking about the
choices.
Your welcome to ….or ….
Feel free to ….or …
Would you rather …or ….?
What would be best for you ….or ….?
Examples of choices:
For parents, “You’re welcome to clean
your room in the morning or before you
go out to play after school.” For teachers,
“What would be best for you--to turn in
15
your work on time for a full credit or
later for partial credit?”
Reasons for the use of choices
Choices help kids think. It is harder for
them to argue with you while they are
trying to figure out what choice they will
make.
Choices help kids learn the consequences
from their mistakes in real life situations.
Choices help us avoid control battles
with our kids.
Choices provide ways for kids to feel
that we trust in their ability to think,
and the process gives them more self-
confidence.
Choices help to build trusting
relationships between parents and their
kids.
BE CAREFUL!
It is very easy to turn your choices into
threats. Parent example: “Make the
right choice or else you will be sorry.”
Teacher example: “Knock it off or you’re
going to the office.” This is a little like
your neighbor saying: “Do you want to
clean up your yard this weekend or get
reported to the city?”
In closing, I have two quick to
read handouts parents may find helpful
on how to deal with arguing kids and
how to delay consequences. “What
works best for you-to pick them up at
City Hall on the table or at the Vernonia
Library at the counter?”
Resources, Cline/Fay Love & Logic
Institute, Inc. BEGIN WITH THE END
IN MIND, Working Our Way Out Of The
Parenting Job By Sonia Spackman MA,
MFT soniaspackman@msn.com
Drawing Class Offered
What: Drawing Class mentored by Sally
Harrison
Where: The Vernonia Community Learning
Center
When: Every Wednesday, starting
March 7th, 7pm to 9pm, for 6 weeks
Who: Anyone, Any age
How Much: Only the rent of the room will
be considered in the charge. The rent will
be divided equally among students.
Clinic manager Sara Miller, receptionist Tonia Clark, Physician Assistant
Albert Rodriguez, Medical Assistant Jessica McLaughlin and
office manager Charrissa Miller.
Needed Materials: A 11”x14’ drawing
tablet, 2 pencils (#2 and #6) a gum
eraser, a small pencil sharpener.
If you are interested in a fun and creative time please call, Sally Harrison @ 503-429-8425
Take a chance. It’s only paper and pencil. You may surprise yourself!
Mariolino’s
Pizza & Grill
Serving breakfast,
lunch, dinner
& ice cream
Phone (503) 429.2617
Kitchen Countertops
Fax (503) 429.0941
Fireplace & Furniture
ABSOLUTE@AGALIS.NET
Tubs & Vanities
www.absolutemarbleandgraniteinc.net
Family owned and operated for over 40 years.
721 Madison Avenue, Vernonia
(503) 429-5018
