22
in other words
december13
2011
Better Parenting:
By Sonia Spackman MA, MFT
Most kids picture happy holi-
days where dreams come true. Yet, for
some kids whose parents are divorced
or separated the holidays can be a night-
mare. We will explore 16 ways parents
can help.
NOTE: This column covers 7 of the 16
Ways. You can pick up the complete list
at the Vernonia library on the counter.
Or e-mail me soniaspackman@msn.
com.
1. TAKE TIME AWAY IF YOU HAVE
TO
As parents we need to adjust
to being divorced or separated and try
to begin a new life. Don’t be surprised
if this doesn’t happen right away. Time
may be required to patch over differ-
ences and hard feelings. Rather than be-
ing thrown together before you are ready
you might find it easier to be away and
celebrate a second holiday after the holi-
day.
You are still a parent and tak-
ing care of the kids during the divorce
or separation crisis is your first priority.
Maybe you can get help from a close
relative or friend, who can help you get
through the holidays until you are able
to celebrate with your children.
2. FOCUS ON GIVING, NOT
WINNING
Plan ahead far in advance with
your ex-spouse and your kids if you
can, so that your ex doesn’t feel under
pressure.
Prioritize your wish list of
16 Ways Holidays Can Be Brighter For Split or Divorced Families
activities with dates and times that are
most important to you.
Communicate your wants and
needs without being pushy. Talk with
your ex-spouse when it is convenient for
both of you.
Remain calm and respectful.
Listen carefully to discover exactly what
your ex really wants. You might be able
to make tradeoffs.
Put the schedule in writing as
soon as you reach an agreement and give
your ex a copy to mutually keep track of
and prevent misunderstandings.
Always have plan B. Make an
easy or simple alternative plan to replace
activities that were scheduled, in case of
an emergency, such as an illness. You
will have less stress because you will be
ready.
Head off conflicts by sticking to
your agreement and being flexible with
your plans if your ex asks you to, even
at the last minute. Remember, “it is far
better to give than to receive.” (Because
when you give, it will eventually come
back to you in bigger dividend.
3. SHARE THE TIME FOR SPECIAL
HOLIDAYS AND BIRTHDAYS
Just because parents are di-
vorced or separated it does not mean that
the amount of holiday time doubles. In
reality, it means that each parent now
only has half the time with the kids.
Maybe you and your former
spouse can meet with a family counselor,
a mediator, or a neutral third party who
can help you both reach a compromise if
you are unable.
Some parents avoid splitting the
holidays by alternating major holidays
yearly. This gives both parents time to
relax with the kids and avoids the chil-
dren feeling overwhelmed by being
rushed between two houses for celebra-
tions on the same day. Or if one parent is
far away, Christmas can occur in July. It
could be your celebration your way.
4. DON’T EXPECT YOUR KIDS TO
LIKE A STEPPARENT OR STEP
SIBLINGS
Kids need to be able to share
how they feel. Don’t force children to
act happy if they are not. However, you
can request that your child spend a brief
period of time with the family. It may be
helpful to stipulate certain requirements
such as saying hello and being respect-
ful.
5. INVOLVE KIDS TO ESTABLISH
NEW HOLIDAY TRADITIONS
When you remarry or enter a
new relationship with someone who has
kids, discuss ways to get all the kids in-
volved, even the kids that are not living
with you. Have them share traditions
they had in the past that they want to
keep or change. Allow a child to have
something they can do alone with their
own parent. Ask them for ideas for new
traditions they would like to try together
as a remarriage family. Whenever possi-
ble, let your children help make choices
about when and where to celebrate the
holidays, and with whom. However, be-
fore asking their opinions, make it clear
that all plans must be cleared with every-
body involved. This will teach your kids
to be part of the negotiation between the
adults.
6. KEEP YOUR PROMISES
Around holidays and birthdays
be extra careful to follow up on the plans
you make with your kids.
7. STOP BEING STUBBORN
Parents in high-conflict divorces
are so used to wanting to win they de-
mand their own way. They put their kids
in the position of being prisoners of war.
Imagine what it must be like for a child to
know full well that if his mother is hap-
py, his father must be sad or vice versa.
Is this the way you want your children to
see you? Is this the way you want your
children to act with others? Because you
are modeling that there is no such thing
as a compromise, only victory or defeat.
Keep your eye on what is best
for your children freeing them from the
obligation to keep both mom and dad
happy. Rather, be kind. Don’t think of
yourself. Don’t worry what you will get
in return. Be a role model for giving to
your children, and your ex-spouse. Tell
them that, in the spirit of the season you
will organize your time with your chil-
dren according to what is convenient
for your ex-spouse and the children, and
that you will support what they would
like to do for the holidays, even spend-
ing more time with the other parent. Let
them know that this will make you happy
to see them happy.
Good communication and a
willingness to be generous for your
child’s sake is needed. Exchanging par-
enting time to allow participation may
be the best gift you will give your child
this holiday. You will be promoting the
selfless spirit of the season for your kids
if you do.
Creature Comforts~Keeping Holidays Safe for Pets
By Victoria K. Guerrero
they do try to eat, they will vomit whatever they do eat.
In some cases they will have diarrhea as well. If the
Nothing is more fun than involving pets in
object has not fully blocked the intestines, they may
family celebrations, with festive photos of children,
vomit only for a short time. With a complete blockage,
family, and pets all together safely enjoying each other.
the pet may be unable to keep anything down, includ-
Despite best intentions however, holidays can pose ex-
ing liquids.
In any case it is highly recommended
tra dangers to pets. Here are a few of the potential haz-
that you visit your Veterinarian for the first step in diag-
ards to keep in mind to help keep your pets safe.
nosis. We are blessed in Vernonia with two Veterinarian
Most pet owners are well aware of the habits
Clinics--Vernonia Vet can be reached at 503-429-1612
of their pets, be them good or bad, but foraging in the
Mondays, Wednesdays & Saturdays in Vernonia and
trash is an old tradition for both dogs and cats, and can
after hours at 503-397-6470. Valley Vet, is in Vernonia
be very harmful. Keeping pets safe from the trash is a
on Thursdays and can be reached at 503-556-3084, or
victory usually conquered in the puppy or kitten stage.
after hours as well at 503-556-3084.
During this busy time of year though, guests can throw
Another danger lurking for pets is holiday
off a family’s routine as it can be busier than usual.
plants, among the varied list of hazardous plants is Pine
Dangers lurk in the kitchen garbage, like interesting
Needles, Poinsettias, Holly, and Mistletoe to name a
foods, and other objects pets have no business eating.
few. When eaten these plants may cause anything from
Be that as it may, they do! It is no secret that a dog
stomach upset to hallucinations and even death. Please
refer to the Animal Poison Control Cen-
ter for more information. They can be
reached at www.petpoisionhelpline.com,
or 1-800-213-6680 (if calling with a
medical emergency there is a $35.00 fee)
1305 Grove Street
They do mention on their web site, “The
3 bdrm, beautiful wood floors throughout,
living room has woodstove, large kitchen,
sooner the diagnosis, the easier, less ex-
gas heat, fenced yard, garage. $850/mo.
pensive, and safer it is to treat your pet.”
We do hope for a safe, happy, healthy
Available in early November - please do
holiday
for all of Vernonia’s residents
not disturb current tenants.
and beloved pets! You may have noticed
in this issue of Vernonia’s Voice on page
184 Bridge Street
13, Creatures is offering a 15% off cou-
Vernonia, 2 bdrm, 1 bath, duplex,
pon for grooming! The coupon expires
completely remodeled kitchen & bath, new
on December 24th, so call today for your
carpet & paint, garage, w/d hookups.
Income Tax Preparation
appointment, as our schedule is filling
$625/month
(Individual & Small Business)
quickly! We also have a new supply of
Bookkeeping
gift ideas for pets, and pet lovers! See you
For more info contact Ted at 503-799-0999
soon! 503-429-pets(7387).
QuickBooks Assistance
has anywhere from 100 to 300 million sense receptors
depending on age and breed. While cats have 45 to 80
million, the average human has a mere 5 million. So
sniffing out the icky candied fruit bread well-meaning
relatives send, or the delicious dark chocolate from
Belgium hiding under the tree is no hard task for them.
What is hard, is the after effects of such a binge, which
at times can be fatal.
Without question, for cats the serious dangers
involve decorations. Tinsel, ribbons, and string can eas-
ily turn from a great time of attacking the shiny object,
to a deadly foreign body. According to PVI pet insur-
ance, a foreign body is one of the most common insur-
ance claims for a pet owner. Be it a ribbon that kitty
ingested, or a ham bone puppy dug out of the kitchen
trash, there are signs to look for if you suspect your
pet has ingested a foreign body. Most pets will become
lethargic, or listless, they will also stop eating. Or if
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503-429-1819
edisheldon@gmail.com
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