community
july
2009
Better Parenting
23
continued from page 17
for a behavior you must do it each time. Each
time the behavior happens the consequence
happens.
Should I give them a break once
in a while? Stick to the rules! The rules and
consequences need to stay the same. Let’s
say that your rules have been in place for over
a year and you decide to make an exception
and give them a break. This will be a mistake.
Your child will misbehave more often looking
for the next exception. “If my parents did it
once, they’ll do it again.”
Why don’t my kids listen to what
I say? They do not listen because we lie
to them when we do not follow through with
what we say. We train our kids not to listen to
us when we say things that do not happen. It
destroys credibility and trust. Kids only pay
attention to what we do and not to what we
say. They become parent deaf.
When is it OK to negotiate
consequences? NEVER! Once the rules
are in place, they can only be negotiated at
the family meeting. If lost stereo privileges
were for arguing over the volume, you must
make it stick. Do not let them talk you out of
it by bargaining with you. “Mom, please, can
I please, this is my favorite music, I’ll lose
it tomorrow.” If you do this, you become a
liar. You also invite begging and bargaining
about consequences in the future. In other
words if you negotiate now - here is what
is happening: 1. You are not taking away
privileges that should be for arguing. 2 You
are rewarding arguing by allowing the music.
3. You are letting your child disrespect the
rule. 4. You are training her to argue in the
future because there is a payoff.
What if my child thinks I am being
unfair or cruel? One of the characteristics
of a great parent is in the determination to
do what is right and what is best for the child
rather than what is most convenient for the
parent. Stick to the rules, if you don’t, your
kids will lose respect for you. Keep the same
consequences for the same behaviors on
good or bad days.
Dad:
“Sorry, boys I gave you a choice,
and I respect your decision not to go on the
trip.”
Boys: “We didn’t decide that.”
Dad:
“Yes, you did. By not doing your yard
work as agreed, you decided not to go. It was
your
choice and this is the result.”
(at this point they will probably promise
anything)
Boys: “But dad..!”
Dad:
“Sorry boys. I don’t lie. I said if the
work was done you could go. Is the work
done? No.
I hope you make a better decision
next time and it works out better for you then.”
Let your words always be the truth. Make
an issue of truth. The kids will see you as the
model and put it in their hearts and minds.
What if an unexpected behavior
happens that’s not on our list? If your
child does something that was not on your list
of behaviors and consequences say: “I am
unhappy, I do not want this to happen again,
the consequences will be -----------. feel free
to bring the incident up at the next family
meeting.” Then add the information to all the
copies of the list.
Are there pay offs for not lying?
Yes! #1. When you tell them “no” they don’t
argue because they know it will be useless.
#2. They do their work because they know
the promised consequences will surely take
place. #3. You tell them once, and they listen.
Resources: Dr. James Jones, Familyhood
Education
Foundation,
C.
Harrison,
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Girls, Dogs Raise Money For Fireworks
Sara Rhodes and Lily Buchanan both
love fireworks. So when the girls, both
aged nine, heard Vernonia might not have
enough funding for the annual 4th of July
display, they got to work. The girls put
together a Dog Wash Day and raised $126
to help defray the expense of the show. “I
think I thought of the idea first,” said Lily.
The girls earned the money the hard way.
“All the dogs were giant!” said Sara. “We
only washed one little dog.” The girls also
had lemon aid and cookies for sale for cus-
tomers while they waited. And of course
the story has a happy ending---together the
community raised enough money to pay
for the Fire Department to fund a fireworks
display again this year!
Sara Rhodes, “Dude”, and Lily Buchanan give money they raised with their Dog Wash to
help pay for the 4th of July fireworks to Dean Smith of the Vernonia Fire Department
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