vernonia’s
voice health and wellness
june
2009
17
Better Parenting: Never Criticize Your Children Are You Concerned
About Your Health?
By Sonia Spackman, MA, MFT
I cringe when I recall how I used to talk to my children
as a young mother. I didn’t realize how critical I was until I
heard them talk to their kids. When the memories return, I
ache inside.
Why do you criticize? If you are like I was, you are
trying to keep them in control. You want them to do what
you want them to do. Since my kids were pretty good most
of the time, rather than focus on what they did right, I put my
focus on their mistakes so they could do better.
Beware! There is a distortion as we form the accept/
reject scale. Dr. J. Jones, a parenting expert says we might
accept our child’s 98% strength, but we usually focus on the
2% weakness. In the end, most of our communication to our
children is about the 2% we want corrected. Does this sound
familiar to you? No wonder our kids think or even say: “Stop
picking on me. Don’t you see what I do good?” If we think
about it, we can see this is unfair and irritating. Imagine our
boss, our friend or spouse doing this to us! Focus on the
strengths and the good qualities and stop finding fault.
Does criticizing make you feel better? When we are
frustrated or irritable, many of us relieve ourselves by taking
it out on our kids with criticizing or blaming. Criticism has
no place in our homes or in our relationships. It is always
destructive. Faultfinders develop negative personalities.
And yes, you can become addicted to criticism. You can
bring gloom into everyone’s life by seeing other people, and
situations in a negative way. I learned my lesson when my
sensitive son changed to an angry and critical adult.
What is the message of Criticism? Young children
see their parents as all-knowing and take what they say as
truth. Children do not filter out the good from the bad; like a
recorder in their brain, they store it all. Many parents are not
aware of the intense damage they do when they humiliate,
put down, belittle, ridicule, or criticize their children. They
think: “If mom or dad thinks I am clumsy, dumb, stupid, fat,
lazy, etc., then it must be true. “You are not OK” is the mes-
sage. Even though this is on an unconscious level, this does
not mean it is not important.
What are the effects of Criticism? The words spoken
to us as a child form the internal thinking we have running
through our minds as adults. Criticism of loved ones, es-
pecially of spouse and children harms their self-worth and
confidence. It discourages and creates a fear of trying new
things. The upshot is that regular criticism eventually leaves
children feeling turned off to their parents. Every child
needs love and acceptance. When these important needs are
not provided for, children can end up feeling frustrated, an-
gry, worthless, unloved and undeserving. As adults, either
gender may become angry and critical. Or they may learn to
develop a high tolerance for criticism, thus making it easier
to get into abusive relationships.
What if the criticisms are true? We are not justified
in saying something just because it is true. Not all truth is
uplifting and supportive. Some truth can be destructive and
harmful, and we are not wise to say it: “Mary, your hair looks
terrible and that crazy outfit makes you look fat. That’s why
the dance team lost, and it’s your fault.” Don’t think that it
is OK to say something because it might be true.
How do I tell my kids what they are doing wrong?
We have a duty to correct our children.
Correction is necessary, but it is not to be done in a critical
manner. If you are angry, try to deal with the problem when
you are calmer. “I’ll talk to you after dinner, see if you can
come up with some solutions we can discuss, I’ll see you
then.” If it cannot wait, explain that you are upset and tell
your child what you need from them right now and you will
talk to them later about it.
How do I reason with my kids so they get it? If you
are tense or angry, your young child 2-6 cannot think logi-
cally through a problem and then reverse the logic. (A tall
glass of water that is poured into a bowl cannot be seen as the
same amount of water.) A little child cannot understand that
a parent can be angry and love them, too. They cannot men-
tally hold two concepts at the same time. They split off from
the loving parent while remaining with the angry parent and
think that you do not love them. If this happens regularly, it
can have a negative impact.
7-11 year olds can reason and deduct what happened,
but still need reassurance that you understand their feelings
and you love them. They see you as an adult. Your child
does not see you as a former child. Use your words in a
way so your child gets that you understand. Reassure your
children that you are correcting them because you love them,
care about them and want them to grow up behaving in a
safe, kind, respectful, and responsible way.
How do I keep from getting angry? How would you
talk to your good neighbor? When I am correcting my kids, I
try to talk to them like I would to my good neighbor. Would
I yell out: Have you lost your mind? Why the hell did you
leave that rake out in the driveway? Don’t you know it could
rust in this weather? Now get that rake in the garage before
I have to do something to you!” But this is how we talk to
our kids. I don’t think it would work with our neighbor and
it will not work with our kids either.
We must remember not to say or do anything while we
are correcting our children that will hinder our relationship
with them. Our interaction with our kids needs to draw us
closer, so we can motivate them for the change needed. “In
the Brown family, we do not steal.” “How do you think we
can fix this problem?”
• You are being sensitive to your child’s
feelings.
• You are focusing on the behavior, not
criticizing or blaming your child.
• You are providing a way of working
through the problem with your child.
• You are giving your child experience in
correcting his mistakes.
• You are building trust and relationship
with your child.
Once you work through a problem, you forgive and for-
get, praise the efforts and celebrate the accomplishment.
How can I eliminate criticism altogether? How about
starting off each morning with 50 dimes in your pocket and
start handing them out each time you criticize a family mem-
ber. Have them tell you when they feel criticized or put
down. Remember, the one who feels it is the one who knows
if they were criticized. Hand over the dimes with a smile. If
you frown or disagree, you pay double! Then sincerely say,
“I’m sorry. That was unkind; thank you for helping me do
better. Here, take this money, I want to do better.” Tell them
how much you love them. If you aren’t cured in 2 weeks,
raise the amount to a quarter each time, or a dollar, five dol-
lars, whatever it takes to stop criticizing-- and just think how
much fun it will be for the family.
Parents need to continually look for the good and see
their children in a good light. If parents can focus on “catch-
ing their kids doing good,” we will see their behaviors get-
ting better. Encouragement and appreciation is a wonderful
alternative to criticism and it is a fun way to parent for the
whole family.
Resources: Dr. James Jones, American Parenting Insti-
tute; Shirley King, Parent News; Jim Fay, Cline/Fay Institute.
Sonia Spackman has her Master’s in Marriage and
Family Therapy and can be reached at soniaspackman@
msn.com.
Is healthy nutrition important to you? If so, would you like to join
a group of Vernonians who are banding together to maintain the
eight-year tradition of Azure Standard deliveries to our town?
Since we have a new delivery/drop-off site (at theVernonia
Museum parking lot, Bridge Street) we have to be sure to have
enough people ordering to guarantee the delivery (enough money
in orders).
For the moment we are aiming for a June 11 or 12 delivery
with a June 9 cutoff date for orders. Tell your neighbors; tell your
friends; check out the amazing variety at www.azurestandard.
com; and /or order a catalog ( and the bi-monthly sales catalog).
Regular stock includes organic meats, vegetables, and
fruits from the Dufur area organic farms, grains in bulk, oils,
some canned and frozen specialties, as well as the complete
range of supplements, toiletries, cleaning products, from the
best known and lessor known brands (even farm and gardening
supplies, organic seeds, and starts, etc!) For those like me with
lactose intolerance or allergies there is available a non- dairy,
probiotic-bacteria-loaded (and delicious!) yogurt made from
coconut milk. I have even found German homeopathic prod-
ucts from the Weleda Line.
Sales are bi-monthly.
Get on board. Help support Oregon organic farms, the tiny
town of Dufur, and other Vernonians who’d like to get access to
the best healthy products without driving over the hill.
Call Carol Sawyer today at 503-429-4748.
Vernonia Health Board
Considers Changes
The Vernonia Health Center Board of Directors has contract-
ed with Providence Health & Services for the last decade on behalf
of the community to provide health care to the town and surround-
ing areas. Many of you may not be aware of the years of service
The Board has quietly provided this community. Even prior to the
contract with Providence, the Board (a non-profit organization) has
diligently sought to make affordable, convenient and accessible
health care for this community a priority for over 30 years.
The building currently occupied by the clinic is owned by The
Vernonia Health Center, and medical services and staff are provid-
ed by Providence. The flood raised several issues as to the safety
and accessibility of the building should another event occur. After
thorough study of resources available, the Board has determined
that flood-proofing or raising the building is not a viable option. In
order for medical services to be accessible during any event, the
Board is currently reviewing options to move the clinic.
Providence, likewise, has begun an assessment of how they can
best participate in continuing to provide quality care to the region.
In order to become a more invested partner with Providence, the
Board will be restructuring its organization and business model.
To maintain compliance with new regulations regarding
floodway management, the Board has set a deadline for moving
by fall, 2011. Reorganization of the business model will be done
concurrently with consideration to providing a seamless transition
for the community. As a first step of this restructure, the Vernonia
Health Center Board of Directors would like to invite applications
for new board member positions from any person currently living
in the service area. This is an exciting time for members of the
community to participate in designing how health care services are
provided here in the Upper Nehalem Valley.
To apply, please submit a written summary of experience and
why you would like to participate in this process to: Carolyn Keas-
ey, 14426 Keasey Rd., Vernonia, OR 97064.
For Goodness Sake... Promoting Health of the Mind, Body, Spirit and Community
By Heather Lewis, LMT, CLT, NT
In the early morning stillness, we begin our day. Dawn is just break-
ing and light is gently pouring in the bedroom window. It looks to
be another of our glorious spring mornings. Before our walk, I let
the kids (Bridgette and Lily) outside and I take a few moments for
myself. Morning ritual: Brush my teeth, brush my hair, large glass
of warm water with lemon juice and 5 minutes of gratitude.
It is so easy today to get caught up in the insanity of our hecti-
cally scheduled lives. They fill up quickly with the worries of the
day: unstable banking system, unemployment rate, to bailout or
not to bailout, wars and rumors of wars, natural disasters. Even lo-
cally: to commute to work, whether or not I have a job to commute
to, kids to school, whether or not there will be schools for them
to go to (there will be), to raise my house or not, where will I get
the money to raise it. Even when we are not directly affected, our
neighbors’ grief impacts us. Their worries become ours. We are a
community.
Now, more than ever, it is beneficial to take time in stillness
for reflection on what we can be thankful for. I hesitate to use the
word meditate. So often when we think of meditation, we think
something mystical, of rooms filled with incense and people chant-
ing unfamiliar sounding things. However, every world religion
sees benefit in meditation and thanksgiving. The Hebrew Scrip-
tures say: “Meditate within your heart, on your bed and be still,”
(Ps. 4:4, note: this is not translated “you’ve made your bed, now
lay in it”). Meditation is not so much making your mind blank as
it is sharpening your focus, so that all of the clatter falls away, leav-
ing only that which you are focusing upon to be clearer and bring,
hopefully, a deeper understanding. I like to focus on things I am
thankful for.
You might ask, what do I have to be thankful for? Let’s start
with the basics. I am thankful that today I have breath to breathe.
I am thankful for clean drinking water. I am thankful for food for
my family. I am thankful that I will hear a child laugh today. I
am thankful for the opportunity to make someone else’s life better
today...
My routine is using my breath as a cadence. On the exhale, I
give thanks and on the inhale, like Oliver Twist, I say, “May I have
another please sir,” as I envision being filled with more things to be
thankful for. By the end of 5 minutes, I feel calmer, more balanced,
and prepared to face the challenges of the day.
There are specific physiological changes that occur in the pro-
cess of meditation that promote this “feeling.” Studies from the
NIH, University of Pennsylvania, Harvard and the University of
Montreal, show meditation stimulates changes in brain chemistry
that affects all of our major body systems. Other studies show that
continued stress and worry depletes our immune system and is a
major risk factor in many disease processes today. How fortunate
that we have available a resource that is free, easy to use, can fit into
any hectic schedule, and that when practiced on a regular basis will
counter the effects of stress with no hangover or side effects. One
more thing to be thankful for!
So instead of reaching for a cup of java to start your day, (or
in addition to it) try stimulating your neurons and dissolving those
worry lines by reaching for a cup of “peace that passes understand-
ing” and see if you don’t feel bigger and stronger and, before you
know it, able to leap small curbs in a single bound!
Here’s wishing you all good health…