22
vernonia’s
voice in other words
october
2008
Voices In My Head:
Possum Knowledge
Safety Matters
By Chief Mathew Workman
By P.J. O’Leary
I like delivering mail, but sometimes I wish I had some real world
skills like mechanics or electricians or heating and refrigeration pros
have. Sure, I know a lot of addresses, but that kind of information
isn’t particularly useful outside of work. Know something about auto
repair, and you can be a neighborhood rock star. Help a buddy rewire
his house, and you are a real life American Idol. A lady I work with
has one of those clever husbands. He’s like the professor on Gilligan’s
Island. You can give him three feet of wire and a coconut, and the
next thing you know you’ve got a short-wave radio. Imagine you’re a
desperate castaway. Who do you want to hang with-the guy who can
harness the fluorescent qualities of common seashells to signal passing
aircraft or me, the goofball who can’t stop wondering why the Howells
packed so many clothes for a three hour cruise?
Have you ever seen the Red Green show? Red was one of the
denizens of the Possum Lodge, and he could create some amazing
things using only spare parts and a roll of duct tape. He used to say,
“If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you
handy.” Another of my role models, Napoleon Dynamite, also spoke
of modern man’s need for expertise. “You know, like nun chuck skills,
bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boy-
friends who have great skills.”
Somehow I managed to find a great girl despite my lack of skills.
I guess I could work on acquiring some now, but I’m afraid that there’s
no room left for information about useful skills in a brain that is so clut-
tered with utterly pointless bits of information. I’m not sure I believe
all that stuff about the huge untapped potential of the human mind. I
can only speak for myself, but my brain at this point is like a new tube
of Colgate. You could squeeze a little more in, but something’s bound
to squirt out the other end. If you taught me how to replace my own
brake pads, I might forget the starting offensive lineup on the 1967
Green Bay Packers championship team. That’s not negotiable. Some-
thing as simple as learning to install a dimmer switch could cause me to
completely forget the story lines of two or three Andy Griffith shows.
I’m not sure the trade-off would be worth it.
Over the years I’ve learned that it’s easier to fake skills in social
situations than to admit that you don’t possess any. Conversations with
skill guys are really more like lectures, so there’s typically not that much
feedback required. Say for instance there’s a fellow telling you about the
carburetor he just rebuilt. All he really needs is for you to occasionally
interject a phrase like “yea dude, I been there,” or “you got that right.”
This will make him feel validated and encourage him to go on about the
process for another fifteen minutes. Do not at any point admit to him that
you have no idea what he’s talking about. The ensuing silence would be
terribly uncomfortable for both of you. On rare occasions the skill guy
will call your bluff and insinuate that maybe you’re not the guy you’re
pretending to be. At times like this remember that official motto of the
Possum Lodge-“Quando Omni Flunkas Moriatati.” Translation-“When
all else fails, play dead.”
By now everyone has heard that I have accepted the Chief
of Police position with the Warrenton Police Department. I again
want to thank everyone for the last four years (since May 2004)
that I have had the privilege to be your police chief. I would also
like thank the hundreds of people who have expressed their sup-
port and well-wishes for me while also expressing their sadness
to see me leave. I have been touched by everyone’s sentiments
and want you to know that Vernonia has made a lasting impres-
sion on me and my family. When I am asked why I am leaving
I have a one word answer; time. The position is Warrenton will
still be a working chief’s position but will afford me more time
to be with my family. Though I am fully committed to my job,
family will always be my number one priority. Thank you again
Vernonia and remember I will only be a short distance away and
will always be available to answer any of your questions.
My last Safety Matters article will coincide with the last
3-Flags Safety Blitz being conducted the Pacific Northwest. The
Blitz is designed to enhance and focus police enforcement efforts
on DUII drivers and traffic offenses with an emphasis on Safety
Belt use and Child Safety Seats. The last Blitz dates were Sep-
tember 8th to September 21st and the VPD conducted enhanced
patrols and participated in saturation patrols on Highway 30 dur-
ing the Rockfest Concerts.
Child Safety Seat and Booster Seat laws can be confusing. In
an effort to clear up the confusion I will quickly review the laws.
I have also placed a handy chart outside the front window of the
police station that shows you, depending on the height and weight
of your child, what state law requires. Oregon State Law requires:
Infants to ride rear-facing until they reach both one year of age
AND twenty pounds; Children over one year old AND between
20 and 40 pounds must be properly secured with a forward-facing
child safety seat up to a minimum of 40 pounds; Children over 40
pounds must be properly secured in a booster seat until they are
age 8 OR 4’9” in height; Children age 8 or older OR are taller than
4’9” must ride properly secured with the safety belt system. I have
placed flyers outside the VPD window with all of this information
on them.
Vernonia’s Voice wishes to
thank Chief Workman for his ser-
vice to the Vernonia community,
his professionalism, and his sup-
port for our publication. We wish
Chief Workman and his family the
best of luck in Warrenton.
On The Shelves: What’s
Happening At Vernonia Library
By Nancy Burch
It’s hard to believe that the book discussion group has
been meeting monthly for over five years now. The group
has grown from the original three or four to about twelve
regular members. Books chosen for discussion have includ-
ed mysteries by Dana Stabenow and Nevada Barr, classics
by John Steinbeck and Harper Lee, offerings by Oregon au-
thors such as Jane Kirkpatrick, Robin Cody and April Henry,
non-fiction by Frank McCourt and Laura Hiltenbrand, books
written for young adults, books that are easy reads and those
that take time and thought, books that are funny and those
that have made us cry---over sixty books to date.
Each member has had favorites and those that he/she
didn’t like at all, but these meetings give us the chance to
express these opinions and to offer the reasons for them. In
many cases members have done research on a particular au-
thor, era, or event to share with the group. Last month’s
selection, West with the Night, by Beryl Markham prob-
ably produced some of the liveliest and varied discussion to
date. This book, published in 1943, is a beautifully written
glimpse of East Africa during the 1930’s. Controversy exists
concerning whether Ms. Markham wrote the book by herself
or whether she had considerable help from her third husband
who was a screen writer. While there is no question that Ms.
Markham led an extraordinary life—as a bush pilot in Af-
rica, training race horses, and flying solo across the Atlantic
from east to west, biographies written about her tell aspects
of her character that aren’t even hinted at in the book. Since
Ms Markham’s life and experiences were interwoven with
those of the Karen and Bror Blixen and Denys Finch Hatton
(Out of Africa), the discussion was expanded to include these
relationships.
New members are always welcome and sometimes we
even have cookies! The next meeting will be Monday, Octo-
ber 20th at 5:30 in the library.
ANONYMOUS DONOR
In support of Vernonia’s Voice!
It’s that time of year again...
Get your gun.
Go to Sporty’s!
A Gift for Our Members
Wauna Federal Credit Union
has arranged a complementary
professional portrait opportunity
for our members! Please reserve your portrait time soon
as appointments are limited. This offer will be made
available to you on the following dates and locations:
Location
Hunting
Fishing
Camping
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Dates
Phone
Vernonia (at the
Community Church)
October 21, 2008
503.429.8031
St Helens Branch
October 22, 2008
503.366.1334
Clatskanie (at the
Fire Station)
October 23 - 24, 2008
503.728.4321
Astoria Branch
October 29 - 31, 2008
503.325.1044
The 8 x 10 inch portrait gifts are one gift per sitting and
one sitting per household. Our member (account
holder) must be in the portrait. Members will choose
from a variety of poses approximately three weeks after
the private sitting. Additional portraits will be available
with no obligation to purchase.
1.800.773.3236
www.waunafcu.org
Astoria Clatskanie St Helens Vernonia Warrenton