FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2016
4 — THE BAKER COUNTY PRESS
Opinion
— Special Guest Column —
Indecision:
Where love dies
By David McElroy
Special to The Baker County Press
Life doesn’t come with convenient signposts
letting us know which is the path to happiness and
which is the path to misery, so we’re stuck taking
blind gambles. Sometimes we choose well. Some-
times we don’t. Sometimes we have chances to
change mistaken choices we’ve made. Sometimes
we don’t.
But all along the way, we’re guessing and hop-
ing, no matter how much thinking and reasoning we
bring to bear on our choices. And we frequently end
up with regrets that we carry to our graves.
I thought about this Saturday because of a woman
I met and talked with. She’s consumed with trying
to make a decision that will affect the rest of her
life. Although the specifics of her story are very dif-
ferent from what happened to me, the feelings she
described were enough to remind me of where I was
four years ago this month.
We’re going to call her Ashley. She has two men
who want to marry her, but she can’t decide what to
do. She’s dated both of them, but the relationships
have been very different. With one guy, she feels
the magical connection that most of us want to feel
and that a few of us have felt in a very real way. But
that relationship had problems. It had great highs,
but great lows. She saw things in him that she knew
needed work — for both of them.
The other guy is completely different. There
aren’t the highs and lows, but there also isn’t the
magical connection. What’s more, she feels that he
needs her far more than she needs him. He’s appar-
ently a great guy who will be a good father and hus-
band — and he’s more financially stable — but the
things she likes about him are mostly in her head,
not her heart. He needs her — and wants her — so
much that she feels guilty.
The first guy is about to move to the other side of
the country. So while she’s been waffling about who
to choose — and felt she had plenty of time to keep
waffling — she feels that she’s run out of time. She
has to decide now — and she’s scared of making the
wrong choice.
As Ashley told me her story, I flashed back to July
of 2008. I’ve mentioned a bit of this story before,
but I’m going to tell you a very intense part that I’ve
never had reason to tell before.
In my own way, I was torn between two women.
I was in love with the one I was dating at the time,
but I was scared of some things I saw in her (and
things I saw in myself, too, even if I wasn’t honest
enough with myself at the time to see it that way).
There was another woman who I’d had a very odd
relationship with before I let myself meet and date
the first woman. The second woman was something
of a “project.” Her life had been a mess when I met
her, and I had invested a tremendous amount of time
in “rescuing” her.
In the spring and early summer of 2008, the first
woman and I had talked a lot of marriage. I had
some legitimate fears about things in her that I
didn’t understand at the time, but I knew I loved her
and wanted her. She was very much in love with me,
and she wanted to marry me.
By early July, I had decided that was what I was
going to do. I took a weekend to think about it to be
sure. I realized that marrying her was what I wanted.
All that was left was breaking the news to the other
woman — who had been hoping all along that I’d
end up with her.
On Saturday, July 5, 2008, I arranged to meet
the second woman at a restaurant to talk, so I could
break the news. I knew she was going to be hurt, but
I had no idea what the night was going to be like.
I felt terrible telling her that I was going to marry
someone else. Because of the way I was raised, I
have a very difficult time not giving other people
what they want, emotionally, even when it’s not
right for me. So I felt guilty. Even though I knew
I loved the first woman, I felt that I must be doing
something wrong.
What’s worse is that she begged me to change
my mind. She told me about how she had grown
so much since she had known me and that she was
afraid of what would happen to her without me. We
started talking at about 7 p.m. and we were still talk-
ing when the place closed at 11. We moved to stand
in the parking lot near our cars for another hour or
two. Then we moved to the parking lot of a nearby
convenience store.
She begged me to change my mind. She cried. I
felt awful. I tried to explain why I needed to marry
the other woman — that I loved her and that we
were more compatible — but it was gut-wrenching.
I told her that it was what I wanted and needed to
do — and that’s the way we left it when we finally
parted around 4 a.m.
As I drove home, I felt drained and miserable. I
didn’t know what to do. I knew who I loved, but I
couldn’t bear hurting the other woman as I was. And
the more I thought about that, the more I found ex-
cuses to justify delaying a decision. I waffled back
and forth. To make a long story short, early in the
week, I made one of the worst decisions of my life.
I told the woman I loved that I couldn’t marry her. I
was refusing to make a definitive decision.
For the next six months, I talked to both of them.
The one I loved begged me to marry her, and I knew
it was what I wanted. I just couldn’t get the emo-
tional courage to make the definite choice. (I did
finally buy an engagement ring for her, which I still
have.) I talked to the other one, too. She was hoping
the first woman would be out of the picture and she
could finally have me. I felt guilty, loving one but
not wanting to hurt the other.
Almost seven months after that fateful night in
early July, the decision was taken out of my hands.
The woman I loved gave up on me and moved on.
It destroyed me in ways that I will never be able to
explain to anyone. The only positive outcome is that
it forced me to get really serious with myself and
work hard with a good therapist to figure out the
reasons why I’d done some of the things I’d done.
But I’ll never get over it.
Even though I’d lost my “true love,” the other
woman was still there and waiting. I eventually
started seeing her regularly, but there was never
any real feeling or connection there, despite the fact
— Letters to the Editor —
Thanks from the Rotary Club
To the Editor:
An impressive American Flag display
lined the streets of Baker City on Monday,
February 15, in recognition of President’s
Day. Residents and sightseers traveling
through Baker City remarked on the im-
pressive presentation of the U.S. Flag.
All Baker City Rotarians join me in
expressing our sincere thanks to Baker
City businesses and individuals for their
participation in our U.S. Flag Community
Service Project. Truly, Baker City resi-
dents expressed pride in their community
and country when the Stars and Stripes
lined Baker City’s byways!
The Baker City Rotary wishes to extend
a Special Thanks to City Manager Mike
Kee and the City of Baker City for its as-
sistance in drilling flag holes so additional
businesses were allowed to display a U.S.
Flag at their store front as well.
Please help us in saying thanks to the
Businesses in our Community for display-
ing Old Glory!
Anthony Bailey
Baker City
County’s reputation upheld
To the Editor:
In response to those who criticize
County Officials and denigrate folks who
gather peacefully at a Halfway rally, it s
eems to me that County Officials would
be wise to continue investigating and
discovering truth in matters regarding the
BLM, Forest Service, and other Federal
agencies that claim ownership jurisdiction
on public property in eastern Oregon. Do
they hold Title to the land and did they
gain that Title as lawfully prescribed?
What good ever came of burying one’s
head in the sand? If there’s two sides
to every issue why not investigate both
sides? What better reputation could be
developed for this County?
It is clear to me that road closures,
mining and timber restrictions, citations,
heavy-handed tyranny and unfair prosecu-
tion against many private landowners is
reason enough to investigate and get at the
truth regarding federal powers exer-
cised in our county. Baker County can
use the truth. The truth can help us all.
Alaska filed a $29 billion lawsuit against
the feds for lost revenue and other dam-
ages in 1993 when the feds reneged on
their agreement to turn land over to the
State of Alaska. Now Utah and other ju-
risdictions have dozens of lawsuits against
federal violators all over the country.
We have County officials who have
taken an Oath to uphold our private rights.
No Federal agency has such Oath or
obligation to us. I’m thankful for strong
officials who refuse to sit in apathy but
work hard to understand both sides of
every story. That’s professionalism, folks.
That’s the reason they’re collecting their
pay. So let them do their job. And my
thanks to Mr. Harvey and Mr. Bennett for
doing what’s right.
Peggy Jean Anderson
Baker City
that I tried
to force it.
I couldn’t
commit to
her, because
she was a
convenient,
pragmatic
back-up
plan, not a
woman I
loved.
Eventu-
ally, she
realized
Submitted Photo
David McElroy is a a writer, photog-
that I was
never going rapher and filmmaker in Birming-
ham, Ala., who plans to become
to love her
benevolent dictator of the world
and she
just as soon as he recruits enough
realized
devoted minions to make it happen.
that I was
He’s been a journalist, political con-
always go-
sultant and small business owner.
ing to love
Visit www.davidmcelroy.org.
the other
woman, so
my back-up
plan walked out of my life later that year.
I had two choices of really wonderful women. I
was in love with one of them. The other one could
have been a good and stable wife, even if I could
have never had the connection I had with the first.
But I lost them both — simply because I wasn’t
willing to make the tough choice that I had to make.
When I talked with Ashley Saturday, I gave her two
pieces of advice.
First, I said, do what your heart says. If you’re
sure you love one of them, choose him over the
other one, even if the other choice is more stable
and seems like more of a “sure thing.” There’s a rea-
son that most of our songs in life are about intense
love, lost love and being desperate for real emotion-
al connection. There’s also a reason that we don’t
write many songs about which husband can build
you the bigger house. As you go through life, it’s the
emotional connection and understanding that count.
Call me crazy, but I think that’s what matters.
Second, I told her, make a choice. I told her the
story that I’ve just told you, and I told her that the
worst thing she can do is to keep trying to sit on a
fence between them. Even if she can’t see how it’s
going to happen, trying to have it both ways was go-
ing to mean she would end up losing both choices. I
told her which choice made sense to me — based on
what she was saying — but I told her whether she
agreed or not, she had to make a choice. And she
had to trust her gut.
I have no idea what choice Ashley will make. We
had a long and intense conversation Saturday after-
noon, but I might never hear from her again. (I gave
her my card and asked her to let me know what she
did.) After she walked away, all I was left with was
to ponder my own history — and my own devastat-
ing loss.
I watched the love I wanted and needed get
washed away because of my indecision. I pray
Ashley chooses better than I did, because failing to
choose leaves a person with regrets that will remain
until his or her dying day.
Letter to the Editor Policy: The Baker
County Press reserves the right not to pub-
lish letters containing factual falsehoods or
incoherent narrative. Letters promoting or
detracting from specific for-profit business-
es will not be published. Word limit is 375
words per letter. Letters are limited to one
every other week per author. Letters should
be submitted to Editor@TheBakerCounty-
Press.com.
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202.456.1414
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