I«S_30
JULY 1.2011
The first day of spring term 2011,1 left the
university and rode on a standing-room-only
bus wearing uncomfortable shoes and feeling
overheated. With one hand I managed to text
my friend Sarah, telling her I might need to
get off the bus and have her pick me up. My
chest felt wrapped with a large band being
tightened by a vice. Air would not enter my
lungs and I wondered if I would pass out. It
seemed a large object was sitting on me,
crashing me, and the longer I felt that way,
the more worried I became. Sarah told me I
would be okay and to take slow breaths and
focus on everything being fine. She’d walked
me through this before. I wasn’t ill, I wasn't
having a heart or asthma problem—I was
having a panic attack.
Anxiety is the most prevalent mental illness
in the United States, affecting more than 40
million people and costing upwards of $42
billion a year in medical costs. There are many
variations of anxiety disorders: generalized
anxiety, social anxiety, post-traumatic stress,
obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorders
and phobias. Most affect women more than
men, with the exception of social anxiety and
obsessive-compulsive disorders, which affect
both genders equally.
I have general anxiety and occasional panic
disorder when under a tremendous amount of
stress. I experience muscle tension, fatigue,
restlessness, difficulty sleeping, irritability,
edgincss and gastrointestinal discomfort.
These symptoms may come and go or contin-
vo ices >
A d iabetic c a n ’t control his blood
sugar sim ply by willing it; a person
w ith a heart condition c a n ’t talk herself
through low ering her blood pressure;
a n d I c a n ’t just stop m y thoughts. It’s
no different than any o th er chronic
m a la d y — m ine is just in m y brain.
ue for long periods of time. My anxiety is like
an annoying relative—part of my life but not
someone I’m ever happy to see. I frequently
wake up in the middle of the night, plagued
by fear or situations real or imagined. I worry
about money, deadlines and homework as
signments. I obsess over my current annoy
ance or what I would do if my partner were
killed in a car accident or left me for another
woman. A tape in my head loops around and
around, adding increasingly dreadful details
and images until I get out of bed and do
something to redirect my thoughts. As much
as I would like to make the tape stop on my
own, I can’t. I try to tell myself to relax, but
W W W .JUSTOUT.CO M
of it” or choose not to be this way. It’s no dif
ferent than any other chronic malady—mine
is just in my brain.
My anxiety has both negative and positive
consequences and, in order to cope with this
chaos in my life, I have to focus on its positive
aspects and give it credit for helping me to
achieve. Sometimes I capitalize on my periods
of anxiety and use them to complete tasks,
taking on projects or making long mental lists
of things to do, allowing my anxiety to drive
me. I fear that without something tangible to
focus on, my anxiety will consume me. I know
that in many ways it has shaped my personal
ity and who I am in the world. I must believe
it has brought me closer to my goals and let
me experience life in ways I otherwise would
not have been driven to. There must be some
thing good about it.
I don’t know if I will ever have the calm life
I wonder about. It’s possible that when my
children are grown, I'll have much less going
on and fewer episodes of panic and sleepless
nights. It’s also possible they will get worse.
At this point, I can only accept the condition
as a part of me and continue to use the tools I
have to deal with it. I must push through the
difficult times and pause to appreciate the
quiet and beautiful moments. It is drawing on
that peace that helps me along. J#'
my body continues to tense to the point where
I’m clenching my jaw and digging my nails
into my palms. I change positions and try to
comfort myself but I can’t stop the thoughts,
however irrational.
It took me many years to realize that I had
a physical condition, and I often turned to
unhealthy ways to cope with my symptoms.
After my third baby, I suffered from post
partum depression and went on medication—
the first time I coped effectively. Looking
back, I realize that anxiety has been a part of
my life for a very long time. Although there is
no known cause, I believe I come by it natu
rally; both of my parents suffer from forms of
anxiety, as did both of their mothers, and I’ve
already noticed symptoms in my daughters.
Anxiety is not something a mere blood test
or scan can diagnose—it’s something that is
difficult to understand and even more difficult
to recognize without insight and help from a
medical professional. A diabetic can’t control
his blood sugar simply by willing it; a person
with a heart condition can’t talk herself K athryn M artini is a freelance w riter and
through lowering her blood pressure; and I fu ll-tim e student a t Portland State University.
can’t just stop my thoughts. I can’t “snap out She can be reached through kathrynmartini.com.
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