J C . 36
voices ►
MARCH 18, 2011
WWW.JUSTOUT.COM
Safety First?
My question is about sex between
women. I am a lesbian, and after get
ting out of a long-term relationship, I am do
ing the Internet dating thing. 1 want to have
more sex but the only way 1 can really get into
it is if I feel comfortable not worrying about
STDs. Nobody I have talked to has used a
dental dam! I low do I suggest to sex partners Either we’re embarrassed to talk
that we use gloves and dams? What is the eti
about safe sex with our partners or
quette, and does wanting to use these precau
we just don’t know how to. It’s as if,
tions make me a neurotic freak?
Q
First of all, respecting yourself and your
partner enough to want to care about your
health does not make you a neurotic freak.
I am constantly amazed by the lack of con
versation we have in the lesbian community
,about safer sex. Comparatively, the gay hoys
talk about it all the time. A regular trip with
friends to the clinic for an STI) check is com
monplace for many single, gay men.
Can you imagine going with a group of your
favorite lesbo friends to Planned Parenthood
for a checkup? 1 cannot.
A lot of women in the community are in
your shoes. We want to take care of ourselves,
but either we’re embarrassed to talk about safe
sex with our partners or we just don’t know how
to. It’s as if, by asking, we’re implying that they
are dirty, or that we are—that there is some
thing frightening about being intimate, or that
we somehow can’t trust each other.
The truth is if we respect ourselves, and our
A
by asking, we’re implying that they
are dirty, or that we are— that there
is something frightening about being
intimate, or that we somehow can’t
partners, we should be having these conversa
tions. We should be working through the
shame and embarrassment that we have about
enjoying sex as women and heading to the doc
for regular checks. We should be doing that for
ourselves and our partners.
How do we do that? Directly and clearly
Be aware of the true health risks. Many of us
don’t know what they are. We hear that lesbians
have a lower risk of contracting things like HIV
and HPV (human papillomavirus) than gay
men and straight women, and we think that
puts us in the clear. But there are real risks to
having unprotected, and even protected, sex.
blow. I had been in a monogamous, lesbian re
lationship for four years. There was no real ex
planation for how or why, other than the super
helpful “any skin-to-skin contact” can transmit.
Suddenly I began seeing every handshake as a
sex-crushing, intimacy-ending encounter. The
knowledge that at least 80 percent of all women
have been exposed didn't make me feel better.
Most HPV clears the system in two years, but I
was pretty sure I’d never have sex again.
But I did. I was up front with the women I
dated. When we reached the point where it
became relevant, I told them. And we worked
together to find what worked for both of us.
It wasn’t fun, but it forced me to really con
sider what my boundaries are and how to talk
about them. Now that I’m HPV free, I will be
using the skills I learned to talk with a potential
partner about safer sex. A simple “I’m not go
ing to have sex with you tonight” whispered
into her ear can very clearly manage expecta
tions and start a conversation about boundaries.
And, in my experience, if you’re nibbling on her
ear when you say it, you’ll only become more
interesting. Women...
My experience with HPV also reinforced the
fact that there are amazing, patient, under
standing women who respect their partners. Be
honest and up front about your boundaries, and
you’ll find the right one for you. J#]
Put yourself and your health first. Know your
comfort level. Communicate it up front and
stick to it. The last thing you want to be think
ing about when a woman is kissing your neck is
what your boundaries are, so make sure you’re
solid about them in advance.
Anyone who wants to guilt you into having
unprotected sex when you’ve expressed that
you’re not comfortable doing so doesn’t have
your interests in mind. Actually, I use it as a
bit of a test. If a woman isn’t willing to talk
about safer sex with me or wants to guilt me,
she’s not someone I want to be in a relation
ship with—even if chemical reactions in my
body are telling me that I really, really want to
be in bed with her.
I’ve always been a big proponent of safer
sex. My friends know that I “require paper
work” (yes, including proof of a doctor's visit
and clean labs) when it comes to intimate
partners. I’m a big handwasher and I have
plenty of latex on standby. But I found myself
forced into a new arena of discussion when I
got a surprise from my doctor at my annual a
little more than a year ago.
K ristin really w ill talk about anything. Try
I had HPV. It was a total surprise and a huge asking o ver at askthegay.com.
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