Y « E 2 8
WW W JU STOUT C O M
MAY 7 2010
V O IC E S
Fast Times at Focebook High
Facebook: as ubiquitous these days as
West Siders hijacking Blow Pony or Sarah
Palin’s folksy, down-home charm front and
center at Tea Party rallies. Facebook: the most
time-sucking o f black holes—even more so
than porn sites or G rindr (and hey, at least in
those cases you get your business done). We
bask in its mundane escape from reality, a wel
come respite from routine stress. As we amass
friends like precious collectables, we contem
plate moves while evaluating ones made by
everyone else; it’s like a modern, slighdy more
mature take on high school, still we measure
and define popularity—and cliques are more
fertile than Kate Gosselin.
Facebook, though, isn’t just popularity’s
breeding ground. In myriad ways, the social
networking juggernaut represents the ultimate
in passive-aggressive maneuvering; we happily
use every tool in Facebook’s vast arsenal to ac
complish our goals, our endgame. Events that
seem mere coincidence coalesce into patterns
and regular practices. We peruse our respec
tive news feeds, often wondering: Was that
status update about me? Christ, did he delete me?
Should I rethink this status update— w ill my date
(or trick) last night read too much into my words?
Maybe, instead, I make a dig? Oh, the power
we wield with each keystroke! M y storied FB
past compels me to scrutinize disparate situa
tions that, woven together, emerge a cohesive
whole.
FB houseoleaning is now os
common o port of splits os
deciding who takes the dog.
We can’t risk dreaded exes or
theirfriendsreadingourevery
whim and fane/.
FB’s potential to transform into a vir
tual parade of exes and sexual conquests— and
mistakes (much like a walk through Blow
Pony)— can prove unnerving. Said indiscre
tions anthropomorphize, climbing atop soap
boxes, spewing whatever they like. Once,
an unbalanced acquaintance (and one-time
mistake) used Facebook to unleash a public
volley of hateful vitriol. His status updates
stood erected as monuments dedicated to the
destruction of my character. O ur one hundred
or so mutual friends viewed it, offered a variety
o f opinions and, essentially, virtual hell broke
loose. I felt like Carrie covered in pig’s blood at
the prom. I responded in kind, but eventually
dubbed—proclaimed— his assault the most
beautiful poetry ever written. Fortunately, a
revenge fuck shortly after offered vindication.
Not long after, mutual deletion: the newest,
most favored means o f eliminating someone
from your life without actually having to ad
dress troubling situations. Surely you’ve done
it. I have. After my partner and I split, we soon
deleted each other. Then, anyone associated
with the other. FB housecleaning is now as
common a part o f splits as deciding who takes
the dog. We can’t risk dreaded exes or their
friends reading our every whim and fancy. W e’re
relieved if our secrets are locked up tight. We
delete to protect our privacy, without speaking
a word—we circumvent confrontation.
Last weekend, my dear friend and room
mate came home from a night o f bliss spent
with a new beau. We discussed the evening
at great length— as girlfriends do— and the
conversation inevitably veered to Facebook.
She was terrified to post any status update,
fearing inadvertent (or intentional) loaded
language. W hat if he read too much into what
she posted? Instead: nothing. Countless people
take the opposite approach, spilling far more
than anyone wants to know. I’ve experienced
both— people come out o f the woodwork, de
manding to know if my words were meant for
them. So, how often do we censor ourselves to
avoid detection?
Another conundrum: what if Grandma
friend-requests you? Fortunately, the folks
behind our social networking behemoth cre
ated filters. You can say “yes” to Grandma and
control how many posts she reads about hang
overs and makeout bandits. But be warned— if
you don’t adjust things quite right, you may
soon realize Grandma has, all along, kept up
on your exploits and nights on the town. Yoli
may be out and proud, but you might not be
thrilled with family viewing and commenting
on pictures o f you at Red Dress, demanding to
know if you’ve traveled to the tranny dark side.
Do you delete them? No. Simply exhale; let it
all out, be unencumbered by worry o f secrets
or scrutiny.
No matter how surreal or oddly passive
aggressive Facebook gets, odds are I’ll love it
until the end. No matter how much it might
creep me out that Big Brother monitors every
move, I’ll certainly continue making them. I ’ll
relish my role as voyeur, spying on whomever
I can, whenever I want. I’ll prescreen poten
tial dates and mates, examine exes, friends o f
exes—perusing pictures, statuses and the like. I
doubt I— or anyone— will ever tire o f that. To
any remaining holdouts, join us on the dark
side. I promise not to delete you, unless you
anger me. Then I might, and not whisper a
word about it.
!•:
Am I utterly o ff base? (I hear some people say
they use FB ju st to keep up w ith old acquain
tances.) Tell me: danielborgen@gmail.com.
Admit it!
1/ You L O V E looking
at houses.
And I love showing
houses to buyersI
You may be surprised to find
something in your price range.
Give Steve a call!
S te v e B u c h e rt
Bonnie Roseman
Principal Broker
T h e G arden o f Paradise
Principal Broker
p: 503.495.5777
In n er-C ity European Style Vacation Resort
5 0 3 -9 7 0 -3 8 0 1
www.thegayportlandrealtor.info
bonnie@rosecityroseman.com
602 SE 38TH Ave- Portland, OR 97214
Wed - Sat 503.231.3922
JLandrysalon@qwestofficc.net
VRBO.com/242312
RE/MAX Equity Group Realtors, Inc.
m
237 NE Broadway, Portland OR, 97232
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