OREGON S GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE
OCTOBER 2 2009 4 $
Love for Dummies:
Howto Find It Without Losing Yourself
D ear M s . B ehavior :
Years ago, I used excellent advice from your
book (Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to
Gay and Lesbian Etiquette ) to prepare for fall­
ing in love. It worked. My relationship lasted
10 years. Eventually, my partner and I grew
apart and broke up. Unfortunately, when I
searched for your book so that I could once
again prepare for love, I found that my partner
had taken it. She refuses to give it back, claim­
ing she needs it more than I do. Could you
give us an excerpt in your column?
- Single K atie
D ear S ingle K a t ie :
Here’s a condensed version. Ms. Behavior
hopes it helps.
“How To Meet the Person o f Your Dreams
and Fall in Love”
Think o f the Buddhist notion o f holding
two opposing things, one in each hand; one
represents going on with your life without
thinking about falling in love, the other rep­
resents preparation for the magical moment
that you do. Such spiritual gymnastics are not
necessary for casual dating, but to be ready for
love, Ms. Behavior believes you must achieve
two seemingly contradictory states: a Zen-like
meditative bliss which keeps you happy in the
moment, and the intense preparation o f a boy
scout.
Nothing potentially batters your self-esteem
J E
more than a new relationship, so in addition to
preparing physically (grooming, working out
and lots o f moisturizing), being ready for fall­
ing in love involves pumping it up emotion­
ally, too. The unimaginative attempt to achieve
heightened self-esteem is by sitting naked in
front o f full-length mirrors, reciting affirma­
tions. The non-icky way to enhance your self-
image is to become your own ideal lover. Ms.
Behavior acknowledges the limitations o f this;
you obviously won’t be able to dive like Greg
Louganis just because you admire his body,
and if you’re a woman you should not neces­
sarily have your breasts enlarged just because
you love Dolly. If, however, you are attracted to
fit, spiritual people who read a lot, you might
start working out, meditating and spending
your free time at the library, instead o f lying
on the couch, eating popcorn, bemoaning your
fate. This method not only improves your self­
esteem; it also gets you out of your house so
that you can meet people.
You know why this self-strengthening is
necessary: once you fall in love, you lose your
center, and become a jiggly, gelatinous cling-
on. That warm, liquid feeling in your lover’s
presence becomes a drug that both awakens
you and gives you a sensation o f sleepy calm.
Your sense o f self erodes; you have to look in
the mirror all the time to remember who you
are. You shed your own interests and become
obsessed with your partner’s interests, even
if his bizarre hobbies include 16th-century
archaeology, collecting Snoopy dolls and the
care and breeding o f iguanas.
Your friends and family recede into the dis­
tance. You are late for work twice a week, and
when your boss yells, you just smile. The heap
o f laundry in your bedroom is shoulder high,
with whites and colors happily commingling.
Your therapist gets exasperated with your far­
away look and tells you that she hates people
who are in love because they are rendered deaf
and silly by their own passion.
A t first, losing yourself feels wonderful.
Merging with another person, body and soul,
feels like a giant, psychic orgasm. But soon you
realize that your life has slipped away, that you
don’t even remember what used to interest
you. Beneath your new collection of Snoopy
dolls and reptiles are small clues about what
your life used to be like, and like a victim of
amnesia, you try to piece them together. Your
memory of self has been sucked into the black
hole of obsessive love.
Ms. Behavior cannot bear to see this hap­
pen to you. All she’s ever wanted is your happi­
ness. So, here she offers her guidance on what
you need to do to prepare for falling in love:
Floss and brush your teeth.
Use high-quality skincare products.
Buy new sheets and fabulously sexy
underwear.
Spend a lot o f time cultivating your hob­
bies and friends.
Ride your bicycle.
Plant things in your garden.
Go to therapy and discuss your mother and
your father, over and over again.
Be nice to your pets.
Visit your grandmother.
Avoid people who are deeply cynical.
Burn pretty candles.
Come out to everyone you know.
Keep fresh flowers in a vase in your living
room.
Take your vitamins.
Meditate.
Recycle.
Once you have done all o f this, you will be
ready to fall in love. Also, you will be pretty
damn appealing. J S 3
M eryl C ohn is the author of Do W hat I
Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian
Etiquette. Signed copies are available directly
from the author. Send questions or correspondence
to msbehavior@aol.com.
OUTREACH
»AIDS 8 HIV
CAREAssist pays for health insurance premiums, prescrip­
tion drugs and insurance plan co-payments and deductibles
for eligible people with HIV/AIDS. Program of the Oregon
Department of Human Services and the Ryan White CARE Act
(8 am-5 pm Monday-Friday 503-731-9029 or 800-805-2313
www healthoregon.org.)
CASCADE AIDS PROJECT (CAP) educates youth and
adults about HIV prevention, supports people with HIV
and their families and advocates for sound HIV policy and
legislation on the national, state and local levels. Spanish-
language assistance available (Suite 300. 620 SW Fifth Ave
503-223-5907 Oregon AIDS Hotline 8 0 0-777-2937.)
CITYGUYS hosts monthly HIV testing nights at The Escape and
Steam; provides free risk reduction counseling, condoms and
lube; and offers free rapid HIV testing and STD screening at
the Men s Wellness Center (5-9pm Tuesdays and llam-2pm
Wednesdays for HIV/STD and 5-9pm Saturdays for HIV only).
928 SW Stark St.. 503-995-7699. cityguysGcascadeaids org
CLACKAMAS COUNTY COMMUNITY HEALTH IN
OREGON CITY offers anonymous and confidential HIV test­
ing and counseling for gay and bisexual men No needlesl
Free condoms! Call for appointment or walk-in testing times.
(3:30-6:30 pm Tuesday 1925 Beavercreek Road Clinic:
503-655-8971. Information: 50 3-792-53 82.)
CLARK COUNTY offers free rapid HIV testing and hepati­
tis A and B vaccinations to men who have sex with men in
Vancouver. Wash. (5-6:30 pm Thursday. 3701 E Fourth Plain
Blvd 360-397-8098.)
COLUMBIA COUNTY PUBLIC HEALTH offers anonymous
and confidential HIV testing counseling and case manage­
ment to anyone Se habla espahol. We lend HIV books and
videos and offer educational materials and free condoms.
(503-397-9651 or 800-299-9870.)
DAILY BREAD EXPRESS provides home delivery of high-
quality meals to HIV-positive individuals in need Fresh meals
delivered weekdays, frozen meals for weekends Volunteers
invited to inquire anytime (Mara 503-960-3822.)
ESTHER S PANTRY in Milwaukie provides food and per­
sonal care items to people with HIV/AIDS. Call to donate
or for services (503-399-9699 www ourhouseofportland
org/programs/estherspantry.)
FUZEON INFORMATION GROUP welcomes people
contemplating, using or caregiving for Fuzeon recipients
Facilitated by experienced patients, nurses and social work­
ers (5:30-7 pm second Wednesday. 5525 SE Milwaukie Ave
RSVP to Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235 www ohsu edu/partner-
ship/fuzeon.html
HEALTH. EDUCATION. AIDS LIAISON (HEAL) offers infor­
mation about alternative views of AIDS causation and HIV
testing Call for a free packet of information (503-227-2339
bwport»comcast. n e t)
MULTNOMAH COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT'S HIV
COMMUNITY TEST SITE offers confidential testing by
appointment with or without your name. Some walk-in testing
Sliding-scale fee Se habla espahol: other interpretation by
appointment. (9 am-9:95 pm Monday-Friday except 11:00-9:95
pm Wednesday. 926 SW Stark St.. Sixth Floor. 50 3-9 8 8-3775.)
HIV DAY CENTER offers hot meals, counseling, laundry
facilities, clothing, showers and hygiene supplies, computers
with Internet access, phones, mail drop, recreational activi­
ties. massage and haircuts. We are in need of volunteers to
work in the kitchen, meal delivery drivers, massage therapists
and folks to help cook lunch to clients on Fridays. Feel free to
call Mara at 503-960-3822. (9 am-3 pm Monday-Friday 2991
NE Ainsworth St. 503-960-3822.)
THE LINK, a social networking group for HIV-positive gay and
bi men. meets the second and fourth Wednesday of every
month for social events, discussions and other outings (928
SW Stark St. 503-223-6339. ext 555. thelinkGcascadeaids.
org.)
MANIFEST (formerly Q LAND), a nonprofit men s wellness
community, prevents and addresses HIV and STDs by empow­
ering men to pursue their wellness passions together through
programs like yoga, cycling, hiking, meditation, healing
touch classes, vision teams, wellness coaching, information
and referrals. (503-223-8822. ext. I. www manifestpdx org.)
MULTNOMAH COUNTY OFFERS FREE HIV RAPID
TESTING to gay. bi and trans guys in NE Portland Se habla
espahol (5-7:15 pm Tuesday. 5329 NE Martin Luther King Jr
Blvd 503-988-3030 )
OHSU HIV CLINIC provides comprehensive health care for
people living with HIV/AIDS Services include HIV specialty
care, psychiatry, counseling addiction treatment (including
buprenorphine/suboxone) case management, same-day
visits and online chart access. Appointments are available
regardless of insurance (503-999-8562 )
OUR HOUSE OF PORTLAND provides Oregon and
southwest Washington s only network of integrated health
and housing services for people with HIV/AIDS. Programs
include Our House (29-hour residential care). Neighborhood
Housing and Care. Community Services and Swan House
To volunteer, contact Kathryn Siebert (503-239-0175. www
ourhouseofportland org.)
PARTNERSHIP PROJECT provides services to people with
HIV/AIDS, their families and those at risk Programs include
HIV Case Management: Supporting Healthy Options for
Prevention (SHOP), behavior change counseling to motivate
people to protect themselves and their partners: and ALL
ABOUT HIV. providing basic information for people living
with HIV/AIDS Se habla espahol (Intake Line 503-517-3590
SHOP Laura or Kurt 503-230-1202 or 877-795-7700 ALL ABOUT
HIV: 503-230-1202. Positive Living Julia 503-230-1202. ext 235
www ohsu edu/partnership.)
PORTLAND AREA HIV SERVICES PLANNING COUNCIL:
WE WANT YOU to join us in planning services for people living
with HIV/AIDS in the six-county metro area This decision­
making body identifies needed services and allocates Ryan
White Program funds annually We need members from all
walks of life. (3653 SE 39th Ave 503-988-3030. ext 25703
www.hivportland.org.)
POSITIVE DIRECTION SERIES offers life skill workshops to
people living with HIV/AIDS at Cascade AIDS Project Topics
include employment, parenting, health, women's self-image
and sexuality, budgeting and tenant education (Shyte Ruder
503-223-5907. ext. 202 www cascadeaids.org )
POSITIVE LIVING SERIES is a seven-week self-manage­
ment series for people living with HIV/AIDS designed to assist
you in taking care of your illness, give you skills to carry out
normal daily activities and provide you with the tools to man­
age emotional changes. (Julia 503-230-1202. ex*. 235 www
ohsu edu/partnership/fuzeon htm l)
♦TALK is a five-week program for people living with HIV
designed to reduce stress around talking about your HIV
status and negotiating safer sex New sessions start monthly
(Josh 503-223-5907. jferrer@cascadeaids org.)
QUEST CENTER FOR INTEGRATIVE HEALTH offers
conventional and alternative health care, nutrition classes,
support groups and recreational sports activities for people
seeking a wellness focus to living and dying, especially
those living with HIV/AIDS or cancer (2901 E Burnside St..
503-238-5203. info®quest-center org)
www ourhouseofportland org/programs/swanhouse)
TOD'S CORNER in Milwaukie provides clothing, household
items, companion pet care, cremations and more to people
with HIV/AIDS Call to donate or for services (503-399-9699
wwwourhouseofportland.org/programs/todscorner.)
WASHINGTON COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT offers
low-cost HIV testing at community health clinics for guys who
have sex with other guys No appointment needed Results
in 20 minutes Se habla espahol (Beaverton: 5:30-7:30 pm
Monday. 12550 SW Second St. Hillsboro: 9-5:30 pm Tuesday
and 9-11 am Friday 266 W Main St.)
»HEALTH
Recovery
AL-ANON GLBT IN THE COUVE a 12-step recovery fellow­
ship of families and friends whose lives have been affected
by alcoholism, meets in Room 19 at Vancouver Heights United
Methodist Church in Vancouver. Wash (7-8:15 pm Wednesday.
5701 MacArthur B lv d )
THE RESEARCH 8 EDUCATION GROUP provides access
to HIV/AIDS research trials of new drugs and therapies
for people in Oregon and southwest Washington. (2311 NW
Northrup St »105 503-229-8928.)
CENTER FOR FAMILY AND ADOLESCENT RESEARCH
offers free counseling for parents of drug-abusing youth 15 to
20 who refuse to go to treatment Counseling is also available
for adolescents 13-17 who have both substance abuse and
depression, as well as for adolescents 15-22 who use metham-
phetamine All of our programs are part of a federally funded
treatment study to help qualifying parents engage resistant
youth in counseling, have a family therapy focus, and are
free of charge (503-293-1065 www ori org/cfar/portland )
THE RISK REDUCTION ZONE a program of Outside In.
provides a queer safe space that offers HIV. hepatitis C and
STD prevention programs: Internet resources: peer counsel­
ing: referrals: and support groups in a nonclinical setting
(1030 SW 13th Ave 503-535-3895.)
DUAL DIAGNOSIS ANONYMOUS is a peer support program
based on a version of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
with an additional five steps focusing on dual diagnosis
(mental illness and substance abuse) Meets at Live and Let
Live Club. (7-8 pm Friday 1210 SE Seventh Ave 5 0 3-222-69 68 )
SELF-INJECTION MEDICATION SUPPORT GROUP
provides a monthly education and support group for people
taking any medication that requires self injection (Fuzeon
Insulin. Interferon. Vitamin BI2. Testosterone) or those who
are considering taking those medications. Providers, care
givers and support people are also welcome Group meets
the fourth Tuesdays of the month from 1-2:30 p m at Our
House at 2727 SE Alder St. Portland. OR 97219 (For informa­
tion or to RSVP contact Julee Graven RN Partnership Project
Nurse Case Manager at 503-720-6939 or 503-913-6389 www
ohsu edu/partnership)
EXTENDED
FAMILY hosts queer-friendly Alcoholics
Anonymous meetings at Metropolitan Community Church of
Portland (5 30 pm daily 2900 NE Broadway 503 281-8868 )
SOCIAL AND SUPPORT GROUP discusses HIV issues for
men at Quest Center Meet other nice guys, share information
and have fun. (7-8 pm Tuesdays. 2901 E Burnside St., contact
Arthur a* 503 290-9389 )
SWAN HOUSE is a specialized adult foster care home for low-
income people with HIV/AIDS who need assistance with per­
sonal care, mobility medications or drug/alcohol/mental health
support (Business 503-786-9829 Volunteers 503-239-0175
HIV* AA MEETING at Rosewood Apartments invites those in
recovery who are either infected or affected by the disease
(7 pm Monday and Thursday 9810 NE Sandy Blvd )
LUNCH BUNCH hosts queer-friendly Alcoholics Anonymous
meetings at Metropolitan Community Church of Portland
(Noon daily. I pm Sunday 2900 NE Broadway 503-281 8868 )
LIVE AND LET LIVE CLUB offers the sexual minorities com­
munity a safe place to find friendship recovery and clean-
and-sober activities Meeting space available for 12-step
groups (1210 SE Seventh Ave 503-238-6091)
MAN2MAN RECOVERY GROUP invites gay bisexual
and questioning men to explore their relationship with
drugs alcohol and compulsive behaviors pas* or present
Newcomers should call first to schedule an orientation
(6-7:30 pm Wednesday 9225 NE Tillamook St *10 a meeting