OREGON S GAY/LESBIAN/BI/TRANS NEWSMAGAZINE
AUGUST 7 200S
35 J i
VOICES
Coll Me When You're Out of Rehab
Wednesday morning— one o f the two
phones on my nightstand is sounding an
alarm. I can’t tell whose it is and it’s too early
to care. I yawn and pick it up— 6:30? I met
Jack last night at Rontoms, smiled seductively
at him over whiskey Cokes, broke out all the
French I knew to impress him. Now he is
awake next to me, log-rolling out o f my bed.
“Heading to work?” I ask, stretching my
arms wide, stifling a yawn.
“No, actually,” he tells me, sliding on
his pants, buttoning his shirt, smoothing
his hair in the mirror. “Rehab. Check-in at
eight.” Suddenly I’m awake, hung over, my
eyes wide with disbelief.
“Rehab!? We were both drinking last
night!” I say, confused. It is far too bright
for being this early, far too hot in my
apartment.
“Yeah, I’m not in for drinking, but it’s
definitely rehab,” he tells me cryptically,
leans down and kisses me on the cheek.
When was the last time I got a fucking kiss on
the cheek? “\ gotta get out o f here. Talk to you
soon!” Suddenly, he is gone, dashing out o f
my studio door— it slams shut and I sit up
in bed so fast the comforter flies off me in a
rumpled pile. The yellow door stays shut— I
am naked and cross-legged staring at it, my
head starting to pound, utterly mystified.
I raise my hands to my face, lie back, and
begin to laugh.
REMEMBER
TO
BREATHE
by Nick Mottos
For oil the philosophical
and sociolo gical debates
one con enter about
a d d ictio n and recover/,
for me it comes down
to one th in g -th e task
of bettering one's life
requires a steadfast
determ ination to change...
J o c k ’s am bivalence about
m aking a positive change
in his own life was the
biggest red flog I could
osk for.
Later, Kathryn meets me on the swing­
ing bench beside W olf & Bear’s vegan Iraqi
Jewish food cart. It’s still early, but her white
blouse is already wet with perspiration. Cars
semble my dreams, Jack’s ambivalence about
speed past on Twentieth Avenue with an air making a positive change in his own life was
o f importance, mocking those o f us with
the biggest red flag I could ask for.
nowhere to be this morning.
My phone chirps cheerfully— one text
“I’m not even going to fuck around on
message from Jack. Great time last night!
this one, Nick— run,” Kathryn says between
River later this week ? I slide my phone back
bites o f her pita. “Just run. I don’t even think into my pocket with hung-over weariness— I
I need to catalogue how many bad signs won’t text him back. Definitely a great time,
there are with this guy, or why you specifi­ I think, sending out my telepathic message,
cally shouldn’t date someone in recovery.”
but we both have fa r bigger things to wrestle
“You act like I’m some sort o f mega
with. You can absolutely change your life, ju st
drunk!” I laugh, pouring hot sauce onto my as much as I need to, but we have to do it
falafel. “I’m not that bad, am I?”
ourselves.
“All I will say— one, if he’s in rehab,
Around me, bamboo has won its siege
he’s got more important things to focus on upon my neighbor’s lawn and shoots sky­
than going on dates. Two, you’re not a mega ward, hipster boys in ironic tank tops ride
drunk, but... I’ll just say it. Remember the fixed-gear bikes past me with scowling faces,
last time we were at Invasion?”
the air above the asphalt undulates with heat
I slap my forehead with sickening recol­ and life. Everything is vibrant with a million
lection. “Oh God. Thanks for not scheduling reasons why our lives are worth saving, Jack’s
an intervention that very night.”
and mine both, vibrating so strongly that I
“Anytime, Nick. Just remember— run.”
stop in my tracks on the sidewalk. Godspeed to
As I walk home down Morrison Street, you, Jack, I send out into the vast mouth o f the
I realize that Kathryn is right— for all the cauldron o f the world, Godspeed to both o f us.
qualities for which I’ve been praised, sobri­ And please, handsome, I think, starting to walk
ety is almost never one o f them. For all the home— call me when you're out o f rehab. J K
philosophical and sociological debates one
can enter about addiction and recovery, for
N i c k M a t t o s gives a shout out to his dear
me it comes down to one thing— the task of friends who’ve saved their own lives in recovery.
bettering one’s life requires a steadfast de­ He is the Portland correspondent fo r NYC-based
termination to change. As someone ardently
mens fashion blog HommeBoy.net and co-editor
trying to shift my life to more closely re­ of the literary zine When to Change.
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