jUStlOUt by Marty Davis J What's in a Name? VOL. 24 NO. 23 'NEWSMAGAZINE OCTOBER 5, 2007 Plenty, at least based on the angry spewing along Interstate he Sept. 21 issue of this column ended with my acknowledgment that I’m not the brightest light around when it comes to dealing with matters identified with race and racism [“Mudslinging in Puddletown”]. I acknowledged a specific word usage that was at best thoughtless and at worst, well, worse. My plan was then to set on a journey of exploration and learn more about how my word usage could have negative­ ly affected others. I had places to go and people to see. As it turns out, 1 missed my stop. There are reasons why 1 didn’t go down that route. First, there came a moment of clarity wherein 1 realized the arrogance of expecting people of color to teach me, a white person, about race issues. Conversation and dialogue are one thing, hand holding quite another. Doors of candid, honest communication need to always be open, but to expect a history lesson from someone of another race seemed suddenly like a weak way to start an explo­ ration of my own inner thoughts and feelings. But most importantly, the two weeks after my last col­ umn have found me caught up in a nonstop emotional marathon of confusion, conflict and mental mayhem. It’s been two weeks where the word racism has been bandied about like fall leaves in the October wind. Racism. Such a powerful word. Often evoking immediate defensiveness, sparking anger and creating distance, the word is usually seen keeping compa­ ny with denial and resistance. It’s a hard word to bring to a table and set down before people. What has brought this all to the forefront of my mind the past few days is the ongoing battle concerning the renaming of Interstate Avenue to César Chavez Boulevard. The turmoil swirling about this proposed action has become one of the most disturbing and contentious political and personal issues of recent Portland history. 1 live in North Portland, I work in North Portland, and 1 deeply care about what happens here. When 1 first heard of the proposed name change, 1 did not pay close attention. Then suddenly the story was everywhere, and the more I read, the angrier I became. 1 mean angry, really angry. And all my anger has been direct­ ed at Mayor Tom Potter, whom 1 still believe is personally responsible for deepening a chasm where a bridge should have been built. It’s the process that I’ve been objecting to, or the lack thereof. Potter has created an Us vs. Them reality that now has no place to go except from ugly to uglier. With all my heart I want to simply stay mad and go about blustering in self- righteousness. That would be the easiest thing to do. But nothing about this situation is going to be easy, pretty or pleasant, including my own need to stop hiding behind a wall of anger that might well exist only to block access to parts of my soul of which I’d really rather keep on denying ownership. And that brings me back to racism. For every reason that one splutters out in objection to the name change, an accusation of racism is thrown back. Do 1 continue to deny that a part of this lies within me, or do I actually stop the BS and kx)k honestly within myself? ! T FEATURE 23 WE ARE EVERYWHERE Portland Lesbian & Gay Film Festival provides a subculture snapshot NEWS So here’s what I’m going to do, and I’m going to do this quickly, because, one, I only have limited space in this column and, two, because this is going to be like pulling off a Band-Aid slowly. Yup, this could be a little bit painful. I’m removing the blockage of anger that seals off my inner self from a truthful analy­ sis of feeling. Yes, I’m entering the deep, dark abyss of my feelings to examine what’s really there. What will I find? Deep breath, here I go. When I think about the Latino community wanting to change the name of Interstate, I feel threatened that something is being taken away from me. I don’t like it that they are going to have something that 1 feel belongs to me. (Add to the childishness of this thought, please, the fact that in 28 years of living in North Portland I’ve never once paused for a fond moment or thought about Interstate Avenue. 1 cross it, 1 don’t fondle it.) When 1 think about the name change, I feel selfish and territorial. Thankfully 1 have stopped short of peeing on a street sign. When I hear the committee members state in defiance, and self-defense, at the Arbor Lodge Neighborhood Association meeting that they are here to stay, beyond this one specific issue, to take their place in the greater community, to have strong, visible roles, I feel displaced. I abhor my own reaction, but from somewhere within me, there it lurks. When 1 hear Potter basically state that this name change will happen, 1 feel disenfranchised and powerless. When I think about the name change and am feeling powerless, 1 feel anger where others might instead feel empathy. When I think about the name change, I feel annoyed that as a lesbian I am expected to have more liberal political values than others. Powerless. That’s what 1 feel. Is this racist behavior, and are these racist feelings? I can’t yet step up and nail this sign to my own forehead. Hell, I can’t pull the Band-Aid off slowly. I don’t do painful stuff. Why would I, when there’s so many easy ways to avoid it? My turmoil shall continue. No decision will be made on the name change until the end of the year. There will be more meetings, more talks, more of it all. Am I changing my stance and now endorsing the change? No. No yet. I still have that big hunk of anger to deal with. I feel that the city did “hixxl- wink” the citizens of North Portland. I don’t think we are treated with the same regard and respect as, say, West Hills folks. North Portland has literally been “dumped” upon for too long, and it’s good that we’re finally standing up and fight­ ing back. We do need, though, to make ourselves heard without name-calling and angry spewing. That just makes me feel sad and embarrassed. In closing, here’s what I do not feel when I think about the name change. I do not feel disregard nor disrespect for César Chávez. I do not wish to see him dis­ honored in any way, shape or form. And now, with all the turmoil surrounding this, I can’t help but wonder how a name change undertaken with such rancor from so many could still be considered a fitting tribute to an American hero. © 9-17 NORTHWEST Schl training comes to Bend; bias crime reported at pub; Queens screened in L.A. fest; future leader skips town; ASL classes build community; Queer History Month celebrated; online grant offered; ISRC holds full race; vote with your palette; style for the environment; Onda makes 10; Adams announces mayoral bid; to refer or repeal; take a stand at AIDS Walk 18-19 NATIONAL Pace acknowledges gays in military; hate crime bill passes Senate; ENDA drops trans protections; Republican mayor supports marriage equality; GSA gains right to exist; court denies marriage equality 20-21 WORLD Brit Tories advertise in gay press; city bans all flags to avoid gay flag; defense minister quits amid gay conflict; more gay Canadians counted; Ch