theater
Keeping It Real
For theater artist John Ellingson, coming out was an important step
in connecting with the integrity of his craft
by Timothy Krause
ive John Ellingson something fierce to
G
wear. Add some jewelry. Paint his nails.
And don’t forget his trademark black
eyeliner. After growing up closeted in
suburban safety, this talented young the
ater practitioner is ready to be noticed.
At 21, Ellingson is quickly becoming a familiar
sight at Northwest Children’s Theater, seen last as
the mischievous Cat in the Hat in Seussical, the
Musical. He’s also a skilled visual artist, painting
scenery for Theatre Vertigo and other companies.
And this summer he returns to NWCT in the lead
role of Moby Dick: The Musical.
For Ellingson, growing up in Beaverton was
comfortable and secure. Stable home. Steady girl
friend. Loving family with parents who didn’t bat
an eye at his interest in performing as a clown,
singing in school musicals or apprenticing as a sce
nic artist. He was also convinced he was straight.
“Then 1 found out one day that everyone [at
school] thought I was gay, which was very traumat
ic because, for me, that was an evil, sinful, l’m-
going-to-hell thing,” he says. “I thought that if
someone thought that of me, 1 was doing some
thing bad.”
Raised in a church-centric family by pastor par
ents, Ellingson shoved aside questions about his
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sexuality and, upon graduation in 2003, headed to
University of Victoria to study drama. This was his
chance for a new start where he could leave the
issue behind and focus on school. That is, until the
following year when he returned from Christmas
break to find that—for the first time since junior
high—he hadn’t been cast in a show, leaving him
with time on his hands to do little but think.
“I knew I was really trying to hold something
down,” he recalls, “and when I wasn’t busy, 1 could
think about it more. I was scared. It was painful
and awful.”
Though not cast in a production, Ellingson did
partake in a play reading as, ironically, a gay man
secure in his sexuality opposite another man less
sure. “The play was about two guys asking ques
tions," he notes. “It wasn’t about whether he was or
not, but why can’t he ask, why he’s so scared to ask.”
That seemed familiar territory to Ellingson. At
the same time, a friendship with an openly gay stu
dent helped him understand how much more there
can be to queer culture besides sex. After that, it
wasn’t long before friends were throwing him a
coming-out party. He began to understand himself
better than ever before, and he drew stronger con
nections to his life’s ambitions.
But halfway through his dream academic pro-
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gratn, everything changed when Ellingson, home
for the summer, decided to tell his parents.
“I love my parents, and it was funny to me
that I felt 1 had to he deceitful and lie about some
thing that 1 felt good about. That didn’t make
sense to me,” he says. “It was rough when 1 left.
I finally heard and felt what they feel about it.”
In short, his parents didn’t approve. When
they withdrew their support, Ellingson left college
and returned to Portland, where he now performs,
paints and teaches children’s theater classes.
“Through it all, the peace you get from all that
is knowing who you are. I still have a lot to learn,
but the core is there,” he concludes. “When I go
to bed at night, I’m happy. When I wake up, I’m
excited. There are bad days and stressful things,
but right before I came out, I wanted to be alone—
which is not something that is me. 1 didn’t want to
work, and 1 felt lost. And 1 think at the end of the
day, if you’re happy at what you're doing, it’s a good
thing."
Though sometimes painful, the process has kept
him honest in his craft, too.
“You just can’t bullshit in theater. If there's con
flict in yourself, it reads onstage," he says. “Theater
is a mask, but it should be a mask that we choose to
put on—not one that you put on because you don’t
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1625 NE ALBERTA ST.
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John Ellingson stars in Moby Dick: The Musical
as the headmistress of a bankrupt all-girls
academy that stages its own version of the
Herman Melville epic to raise money to keep the
school afloat.
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want to show something of yourself. You don’t hide
behind it; you wear it proudly.” ©
Northwest Children's Theater presents M oby D ick :
T he M usical July 14 to Aug. 6 at Artists
Repertory Theatre, 1516 S.W. Alder St. Tickets are
$ 16-$20 from www.nwcts.org.
When not applauding local theater, TIMOTHY
K rause is communications coordinator for City
Club of Portland.
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