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free to ask
**
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next day, 1 say hey to the virtual friend I’ve known
the longest, Intelligencia. He’s a smart and sportsy
30-year-old suburbanite muscle-bear who’s in the
high-tech sector—and an open relationship.
Mutual admiration has led to instant-messaging off
Gay.com about not only sex, but arts, politics and
religion, too. Like me, he has a bit of an obsession
with life online. He’s looking to meet interesting
people, for chat or sex. When he’s lucky, it’s both,
but he has no real expectations of either.
“The times I do come on here with the specific
idea of hooking up, I’m usually disappointed,” he
remarks. “It never seems to work out. You have to
find someone else who you think is hot, who is also
looking for right now, and when it comes right
down to it, 1 think a lot of people on Gay.com are
on here because they are chicken of actually hook
ing up. They like the idea of it more than the actu
al hooking up part.”
It’s a man’s thrill of the hunt, though even
when you find “fresh meat,” it doesn’t always mean
you’ve got something cooking. “It’s almost like, if
they turn out to be cool and someone you would be
friends with, you don’t want to hook up, because it
might screw that up,” Intelligencia says.
Hi-Def is a Eugene business consultant hanging
out in the Portland bears room. His partner of 17
years died in 2003. Hi-Def tried Gay.com as a way
to deal with loneliness and isolation.
“A year into it, I met a boyfriend who turned
out to be a major player,” he says. “I thought it was
a new love, and he loved the regular sex he wasn’t
getting in his relationship, which he lied about.
That was a wake-up call as to what the people
could be like here.”
Hi-Def also sees bad online habits bleeding into
real life. “People are learning they do not need to
be courteous anymore. We are all strangers that can
be turned off by a click of a button.”
Still, he’s not completely dissuaded; he knows
six couples who met online. He’ll be back.
Nearing the end of my daylong dalliance,
exStream chats me up about my story, asking,
udpuddleOR is a 21-year-old student kx)king
“White guys only, or are black guys eligible too?”
for chat, friends, dates, fucks—in that order.
He’s searching for a monogamous relationship. In
He’s made a grand total of one friend and hasn’t yet
fact, he’s looking pretty hard, spending at least an
met anyone for sex in real life.
hour a day chatting to as many guys as possible.
“I find the conversation appealing—the rapidity
“In the bar, I can only talk to one guy at a
of starting conversations with people one doesn’t
time,” he explains. “Online, 1 can be simultaneous
know,” he says, quickly adding that he doesn’t think
ly chatting with several men.”
guys online are honest enough to sustain healthy
He’s annoyed when I ask what he chats about;
real-life friendships. And online anonymity might
1 try to explain that chat’s not the same for every
lead to precarious sexual encounters.
one. It’s different online, I say.
“Chat is easy to find,” he says. “Friends, less so.”
“That’s ’cause most guys online are socially
Yet, the same anonymity gives MudpuddleOR
retarded and wouldn’t be able to walk up to some
the courage to approach people online who he
one in person and say hi or strike up a conversa
never would in person. “For instance, if someone’s
tion,” says exStream. “They’re afraid to go to a gay
quite attractive, I can know something about them
bar and get shut down ’cause all they want is to get
in a safe way by reading their profile or even
a piece of ass. For those guys, Gay.com is their life
mustering the courage to send them a message," he
line.... They are just a hole to be filled, or a dick to
says.
suck. And nothing wrong with that, that is their
When we bid adieu, he adds that this—our
choice.” ©
chat—is why he gets online. “Because something
unexpected like this occurred on an otherwise
After 24 hours online, TIMOTHY K rause was
unthrilling Friday night.”
anxious to go to bed... to sleep.
Hours pass. One chat blurs into another. The
Several hours pass. I browse pics. 1 skim profiles.
I attempt to say hello to a few guys but never hear
back. I suspect my honesty in revealing my journal
istic intent is turning off the horny. Too had that
doesn’t dissuade irritating invitations from hots—
automated advertising posing as chatters popping
up more frequently than boners.
Along comes NipsyPDX, 47, looking for “bed
buddies.” He’s partnered but doesn’t get enough at
home. He says they have a “don’t ask, don’t tell”
relationship and wants to “keep it discrete." He’s
looking for “truthful and honest” guys who don’t
play games.
Around midnight, 1 chat up Numbers, a semi
closeted 23-year-old who says he’s past the phase of
Internet h<x)kups—or hopes so. Unlike three weeks
ago, Numbers says he isn’t looking for sex tonight.
He’s found a significant other...one who happens
to be out of town. Numbers says he’s monogamous
but not exclusive; 1 think 1 get his drift.
“Most people online are looking for sex, and if
they’re not—if you’re hot enough or experienced
enough—you can convince them that they are
looking for sex,” Numbers suggests. “When you
find someone who is willing to resist temptation,
I can guarantee that there is someone close by who
is more than eager to bring them down.”
He concedes that sometimes there’s construc
tive talk about STDs and HIV, but his overall skep
ticism remains.
“I never believe anyone on Gay.com,” he blurts.
“People are a lot meaner online, too—me includ
ed—because you’re not face to face, because you
can be. In a bar, if you’re mean, you’ll get hit in the
face or kicked out or something. But trust me,
1 know Gay.com. One word: slut. Or jerk.”
So I ask the obvious question: Why keep com
ing back?
“There are diamonds in the rough,” he messages
back, “and that’s what you hold out for. It’s either
that or slit your wrists, I guess.”
*
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anyth,no
>n Chai
Ha»» a «»beam ?
• Video ma, n,lw,
“People are learning
they do not need to be
courteous anymore.
We are all strangers that
can be turned off
by a dick of a button.’’
-Hi-Def
I
“When it comes right
down to it, I think a lot
of people on Gay.com
are on here because they
are chicken of actually
hooking up. They like
the idea of it more than
the actual hooking up.”
-intelligencia
“I came thinking
I’d find sex,
but I found friends.
I stayed
for the community.”
-SaoPaulo
M
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