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“We’ve gone from being a gay movement now to being a gay
market, apparently. Amazing. We’ve even got our own little
brand now—that little ‘equal’ sign thing. Y’know, it’s cool, but
just for a couple of years, I wish we had done the ‘better than’
sign. Don’t you think?”
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“I did meet an incredible [airport security] woman in a pat
down in San Francisco. I never knew 1 would enjoy random
wanding that much—they only let you go through one time,
and that’s sad. But 1 now know the meaning of‘a heightened
state of alert’!”
“The little plane to Provincetown...it’s like an eight-seater,
right? And so when you get on, they ask your weight...like it
matters for the safety of everybody on the plane. It’s going to
Provincetown! I’m getting on a plane with seven gay guys
who you KNOW are lying!”
“Have you had the cat urine smell? That’s the worst smell in
the universe. That’s unbelievable. It’s like, if you’re in a rix>m
with it too long, you can lose all your memory of fifth grade.”
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Clinton’s still on fire after all these years, especially now that
she’s got so many deserving targets: rhe vice president’s wife
(“Lon Cheney”), a bestiality-obsessed senator (“Rick
Sancti-moron”) and the pope (“an old man with a Melitta filter
on his head”). Sharp and wise.
She can't live up to her overhyped introduction as “the funniest
lesbian comedian in the world.” (But then again, who the hell
bestowed that title?) The jokes are often dated and obvious
(9/11, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, “pop” vs. “soda”), and
Westenhoefer wastes too much time on petty spats with her
closeted girlfriend of 11 years (including a disturbing riff about
the time she masked over rainbow bumper stickers with duct
tape—“apparently, it was easier to be thought of as white trash
than homosexual”).
couldn’t believe it. I’m sitting there on The View, trying to
get people to turn on the Sci-Fi Channel for the Halloween
parade, and Barbara’s throwing down with me. I’m like, ‘Bring
it, bitch!’ ”
“There are parts of Kabul that are, like, quasi-liberated, but it’s
great for the women: still in the burkas...still can’t leave their
homes without a man or else the cleric with the big stick
beats them until they go back in. Isn’t that great? ...They go
back in...they clean the bucket of clits....”
Girlfriend’s got it goin’ on! We expected the trash-talking potty
mouth, but who knew she had a heart of gold? Her stories about
a USO tour are politically astute and surprisingly touching. She
even bonded with one shrieking soldier who set off her gaydar:
“I knew the minute I heard the gay inhale...I was like, ‘I found
my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan!’ ”
“I swear to God, gays invented every sport there is.... Boxing?
Two topless men...in silk shorts...fighting over a belt and a
purse. Baseball? Nine men mnning around diamonds trying to
get in some batter’s box. Football? Look at the names of the
teams: Oilers...Rams...Packers!”
“I can sleep with a girl—no problem. It’s not the sex. It’s the
talking afterwards. ‘What are you thinking about right now?
C’mon, open up and share!’ ...How do lesbians get any sleep?”
Shows promise, especially considering he’s one of the only
openly gay men doing standup. Ant has the audience in stitches
while sharing silly stories about his days as a flight attendant,
but he occasionally kills the vibe with bitchy, misogynist
comments.
“Gays who want to be in the military—here’s how I feel about
it: Anyone DUMB ENOUGH to want to be in the military
should be allowed in it. End of fucking story.... Where did the
fucking military get all [this moralizing]? ‘I don’t want any gay
people hangin’ around me while I’m killin’ kids.’ ”
“Nonsmokers...obnoxious, self-righteous slugs. I’d quit
smoking if I didn’t think I’d become one of them.... Shut
the fuck up right now. God damn it, if I don’t smoke, there’s
gonna be secondary bullets coming your way. Do you
understand this? I’m fucking tense!”
Frighteningly ahead of his time, Hicks must’ve been sent here
to teach a lesson that the country just wasn’t ready to learn.
(Until now, thanks to his first official DVD release.) Network
censors axed his routine—even though it was twice approved
by the powers that be—from what would’ve been his 11th and
final Letterman appearance in October 1993.
THINGS OF DRY j
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by NAOMI
NAOMI WALLACE
WALLACE
PORTLAND
CENTER
THE PORTLAND SPIRIT PRESENTS PAGEANT!
STAGE
THEATER
LIVE
A GOOD FRIEND IS NOT AN APPLE SEED.
A GOOD FRIEND DOES NOT FIT IN THE HUMAN HAND . . .
Six Contestant*, One Crown...you do the Math!
"IhiA bun billed musical entertainment M more than a glitzy drag show: It's a devilishly
playful send up ofc old time, overproduced beauty contests" The Oregonian
Friday Evenings Only • January 21st through February 25th
Scheduled performances: 7 pm - 9 pm, 10 pm - Midnight
$20 advance / $25 at door
503
274-6588
JAN I8-FEB 5
WWWPCS.ORG
2005
contains nudity
Illi sw BROADWAY
NEWMARK
[isferJlfetafe»]
ANN PORTER
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theatre
30iV...’l5
Call (503) 224-3900 or (800) 224-3901
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