42
HUMOR
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try to make the world a better place: 1 recy
cle, I give to charity, 1 voted for La Toya on
American Idol. And when a gay-themed
movie arrives at the multiplex, 1 try to
show up on opening weekend—y’know, to
help the grosses.
Plus, a lot of these movies disappear faster
than vegan cookies at a lesbian potluck. 1
swear, before I could find my shoes and wallet
and head out the dixir to see Saved! and The
Stepford Wives, they’d vanished like President
Bush’s National Guard records.
So it was with this
goal in mind that I t<x>k
myself to see De-Lovely,
the Cole Porter biopic
that purports to set the
record straight (pun
intended) on Porter’s
bisexuality. A noble
task, but I’m puzzled by
the decision to have
musical theater veteran
Kevin Kline muffle his
robust baritone so
much he sounded like
bronchitis set to music.
by Marc Acito
Would that the
ambiguously straight Robbie Williams had
been cast instead. The British pop star’s ren
dition of the title song is so flighty you expect
him to sprout wings and fly away. The guy’s
so light in the loafers he must get altitude
sickness.
Frankly, it distresses me to see our stories
told so wrong—it almost makes’me nostalgic
for the days when we had to hunt for gay
cinematic content. For instance, back in the
1980s, my only access to beefcake was Arnold
I
The Gospel
According
to Marc
Out of the celluloid closet
Schwarzenegger movies on cable (giving new
meaning to the term “cable access”). To this
day, the governor of Calee-fomia is the only
politician I’ve ever whacked off to. As far as
I’m concerned, Ah-nold’s not the Terminator,
he’s the Masturbator.
I still hunt for hidden gay meaning in main
stream films. I can't help it. It’s like I’m handed
a pair of those green and red glasses you wear
to watch 3-D movies, except mine are lavender
and pink.
This summer I’ve seen Troy, which glorified
the male form so lasciviously it could be
described as Homer-erotic. There was more
beef on display in that movie than at the
butcher counter.
Then there was Shrek 2, which got the
Religious Wrong in a kerfuffle because they
thought the movie’s “love whom you
ch(X)se” theme was a veiled metaphor for the
love that dare speak its name. It seems that
I’m not the only one hunting for hidden gay
subtext.
But the movie gay guys are talking about the
most this summer is Spider-Man 2. Now, before 1
go any further, full disclosure: The Spider-Man
movies are produced by Laura Ziskin, the pro
ducer who optioned the film rights to my comic
novel, How I Paid for College. Actually, there’s
no real journalistic reason for me to reveal this
fact; I just felt like bragging.
Since I arrived for Spidey early, 1 wandered
over to check out the new Harry Potter. As
much as I want to contribute to the
grosses of certain films, I also think of
my 8 bucks as admission to the entire
multiplex, like it’s a One-Day Pass that
gives me unlimited access to all the
attractions.
1 wanted to see if the Harry Potter movie
was as queer as the hxiks. As Michael Bronski
pointed out in The Boston Phoenix, it’s easy for
gays to identify with the moment in Harry
Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Harry’s
uncle screams: “I WARNED YOU! 1 WILL
NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR
ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!”
No such luck with Prisoner of Azkaban,
although 1 did enjoy seeing how much the
Gryffindors have grown. 1 hilly expect the next
film will be Harry Potter and the Mystery of the
Sticky Sheets. Or maybe just Hairy Potter.
But Spider-Man came to my rescue, and
I’m not just saying that because it’s produced
by the woman who optioned the film rights to
my hilarious comic novel. (Oh, did 1 mention
that already?)
Now, sitting in a theater staring into Tobey
Maguire’s moist, dreamy eyes is already a gay
experience. But, as columnist Byron Beck
pointed out to me, there’s something very gay
about a line like “It’s wrong we should only be
half alive—half ourselves,” particularly when
the hero’s own “chamber of secrets” is that he
prances around New York City in a crotch
hugging hxlysuit.
The film even has Mary Jane starring in
Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest
just so she can say the line, “1 hope you’re not
leading a double life.”
Whether it’s intentional or not, when 1
think of the millions of kids, straight or gay,
who digest the film’s positive messages along
with their buttered popcorn, one thought
comes to my mind: It’s de-lovely.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. jH
MARC A c ITO s novel, How I Paid for College,
will be published next month. Write him at
marc@marcacito. com.
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