46 ju st
out » august b. 2QQ4
HUMOR
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n Madonnas Reinvention tour, the Artist
Currently Known as Esther does yoga, lectures
on Kabbalah and tells us war is a had thing.
And, like pilgrims to a shrine, loyal gay fans
gather from all over to worship their Madonna.
Meanwhile, Cher continues to roll along like OP
Man River as she stretches out a farewell tour
destined to hist longer than the Crusades.
Whitt’s notably absent from these extrava
ganzas, though, is any mention of the biggest
issue facing the majority of either diva’s audi
ence: marriage equality. It’s particularly galling
when you consider that
both have gay family
members. I mean, if 1
wanted to see someone
deny a queer relative,
I’d go to a Dick
Cheney rally.
I suppose 1 care t<x>
much about my gay
icons (I’m still pissed
Judy Garland didn’t
win an Oscar for A
Star Is Bom ), hut after
all the money we’ve
spent on them, you’d
think they’d do more
for us than lip-sync their greatest hits.
The next generation isn’t doing any better.
Neither J-Lo nor Britney have said a word on
the subject, perhaps because they’re doing their
part to preserve the sanctity of marriage.
Still, not all divas are struck dumb. Some
were dumb to begin with, like Miss Spears. So I
was pleased to see that my secret birth mother,
Liza Minnelli, spoke up at a recent gala for the
Human Rights Campaign. “ If two people love
each other, and they want to be together, they
I
Consenting adultery
Gay divas and marriage
should be allowed to be together,” she said
more likely slurred, but it’s the thought that
counts. O f course, I’m not surprised. Liza’s had
a few gay marriages of her own.
And then there’s Barbra Streisand, the hon-
oree at the HRC gala, who also wins the Marco
Award for Best Diva-crat by a nose. “When two
people form a deep Kind,” she said, “there is usual
ly a soul connection, and the soul has no gender.”
I LOVE that. I’m going to embroider it
onto a pillow.
What a contrast to that other Jewish
princess in the queer kingdom, Bette Midler,
who recently stammered to The Advocate that
she hadn’t “done enough research or reading
on it to have an informed opinion.”
Research? Reading? Does this woman live
in a bubble? I’m not sure what bugs me more—
that it isn’t an automatic no-brainer for her or
that she hasn’t Kithered to get informed. Don’t
forget, Miss M: Queers made you, and we can
destroy you. Remember Donna Summer?
Bette’s been on my hit list ever since she
made this enlightened comment on Larry King
Live: “Gay men, they like to— you know—
move around.... T h at’s part of the fun of being
a gay man. So if they’re married, does that
mean they’re not going to cheat ?”
Ah, the old promiscuity argument. Lately
we’ve gotten so respectable I was beginning to
miss it.
What Midler fails to understand is that
focusing on monogamy sexualizes the debate.
No straight men were harmed
in the making of these films.
Straight people have screwed around
(with and without their spouse’s per
mission) for as long as marriage has
existed, so the hets have no moral
authority on this one. In fact, if
monogamy were a prerequisite for marriage,
most of the Senate would be single today.
Where gay men differ is in their honesty.
Like the guy I know who went ballistic
when his partner emerged from a back
room with semen on his sweater.
“I thought you were OK with my going
in there,” the partner said.
“I am,” replied my friend. “ But that’s a
cashmere sweater.”
(Sort of gives a whole new meaning to the
phrase, “Here comes the bride,” doesn’t it?)
Or how aKxit the first male couple to
be married in the Netherlands, who, when
asked whether they were monogamous, .
responded that they were committed to “fideli
ty,” which is another way of saying they fiddle
around— or, as the Dutch call it, “huntincock.”
Barbra Streisand said that the “law cannot
legislate matters of the heart.” I’d add that it
cannot legislate matters of the hard-on, either.
Twenty years ago, the Divisive Miss M mar
ried an avant-garde performance artist she had
dated for just two months. T he ceremony was
performed in Las Vegas at 2 in the morning by
an Elvis impersonator. Also wed that same
weekend were Sally Field and Olivia Newton-
John, though not to each other. Their girl-
next-door Gidget and
Sandy reputations caused the
tabloids to predict that the
quickie, campy marriage of a
foul-mouthed performer who got her start in
sex clubs would be the first to fall apart.
But it turns out that Sally’s husband hated her,
he really hated her, and Olivia’s hubby wasn’t
hopelessly devoted. Like Cher’s face-lift, though,
Bathhouse Bette’s marriage endures.
It’s time her fans had the same chance.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. j H
M ARC A c i t o ’ s novel, How I Paid for College,
mil be published in September. Write him at
marc@marcaci to. com.
9
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