ju q m H
What Now?
How to reignite the lire
alk: “Don’t wait another minute,”
says Cody. “Most couples wait far
too long to address this issue,
waiting until years of built-up resentments
and resignation has seriously undermined
things.”
If couples want to get somewhere, it’s para
mount that they really show up and bring
everything to the table. Set aside a specific
time to talk about sex—and don’t do it in the
bedroom.
“You can’t talk about sex in the bedroom,”
says Blenning. Think of your bedroom as a
sacred space that should be reserved for fluid
intimacy, not the stuff that muddies the water.
• Be honest: “You’ve
got to start getting bru
tally honest with your
self,” says Blenning. Not
only does each person
need to understand
where she stands, how
she feels about sex and
what her issues are,
“we’ve got to learn to
accept ourselves on all
these levels.”
Likewise, it’s crucial
that we look at ourselves
as scrupulously as we
look at our lover. “Exam
ine your patterns of
relating, how you de-
eroticize the relation
T
t X\ VjJTVE
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0
ship, how you expect your partner to fig
ure you out, how your past wounds or
expectations about sex, love, intimacy,
etc. are influencing you now,” advises
Cody.
• Don’t focus on orgasm: Lesbians
often are so fixated on having an orgasm
that they miss the sex. “We focus on
orgasm rather than being sensual with each
other,” says Blenning.
Redefine what sex means to you. “If
your sexual relationship has previously
been focused on orgasms, or lack of them,
move out of seeing orgasm as the goal of
sexual connection,” encourages Cody. This
means not only exploring your partner’s
body but your orgasmic plateaus with
breathing techniques and such.
“Our task is to learn a new message
about sex: We do not need to feel shame
about who we are and how we
choose to get our sexual fulfill
ment," pens Loulan.
• Reach out: Go see a
therapist—they’ll not only
help facilitate discussion but
offer you a safe space to ask
the right questions, dig up the
root of the problem and explore
constructive ways to fix them.
“Most importantly,” says Rich-
man, “do whatever you can to
have hope that there will be reso
lution, even if it is not what you
think it will be. If this is too hard,
ask for help in gaining the ability
to have hope.”
Seek out resources and open
yourself up (literally) to stories
space to explore fantasies, wishes and turn-ons,
the better,” says Richman.
Get to know your own body as well as your
lover’s. “In this society we are not encouraged
to look at our genitals,” writes Loulan. Take
some time alone to touch and explore yourself.
Put that hand mirror to new use and check out
what’s going on “down there.”
n the end, Cody believes lesbian couples
have an advantage. “I find that, percentage
wise, heterosexual couples are generally
more reluctant to talk about sexual
dissatisfaction with each other than are
lesbians, who have already been forced to deal
to some degree with their sexual psychology
just to claim their basic sexual identity.”
So whether you decide to buy your first
strap-on, dust off your vibrator, rent some pom,
go see a therapist or get to know your vagina,
you must first set aside time to talk about sex
with your partner. The choice is yours. But the
time is now. jn
I
G lN A D a g g e t t is a Portbnd free-lance writer.
Drop her a line at www.ginadaggett.com.
and suggestions. “Unless queer women— and
all women—seek out images, erotica, stories
of other women’s sexual experience, personal
relationships and other resources that nourish
and support and expand our sense of our
selves, there will be shame, self-hatred and
various types of psycho-emotional self-mutila
tion,” says Cody.
• Explore: Watch videos, take a sex class at
It’s My Pleasure, poke around online at Good
Vibrations. “The more you can make a safe
When decisions
will affect a
lifetime...
B uckley
L e C hevallier I’C
?no4
• Adoptions
• Divorce
• Paternity
• Custody
• Domestic
• Estate
Partnerships Planning
• Prenuptial
Agreements
Resources
• Wendy Blenning:
www.wemlyblenning.com or 503-329-3225
• Gwenn Cody:
gwenntiana@earthlink.net or 503-230-0518
• Beth Richman:
bethrichmanlcsw@yahoo.com or 503-754-6145
• It's My Pleasure: 3106 N.E. 64th Ave.
or 503-280-8080
• Good Vibrations: www.goodvibes.com
Jaye Taylor
A l l o i m 'v s J l l .n v
( 503 )
620-8900
www.buckley-law.com
Chris Costantino
Three Centerpointe Dr.
1-5 at Kruse Way in Lake Oswego
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