z may 21.2004
BOOKS
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Yo mama
Portland’s hippest queer p aren t tu rn s 10
by
cS A u u ism cf c( j i { t s
G ina D aggett
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c vZomaniio sAccessmies/
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f Hip Mama magazine is, as is oft quoted,
“conservative Americas worst nightmare,”
then Ariel Gore is Freddy Krueger.
I
Since Gore turned in her senior project
just over 10 years ago at Mills College in Oak
land, Calif.— issue No. 1 of Hip Mama maga
zine— she has become the ultimate hip mama.
"1 sort of slapped a subscription form on the
back to make it kxik real,” she says. "Then
people subscribed, and 1 was like, ‘Oh.’ ”
By accident, Gore gave mothers permission
to take back their lives and provided a plat
form for nontraditional parenting.
Before the 33-year-old conceived Hip
Mama she gave birth to her daughter, Maia,
now 14. “At the time the whole family values
campaign was just starting,” she explains, “and
st) as a teen welfare mom, 1 was Satan."
She wanted an alternative to the parenting
press, which, she says, is completely inane and
totally apolitical. "They’re just stupid service
magazines to tell you what brand of cream to
put on your kids...they’re stupider than
women’s magazines." Whoa!
But it was more than just coming up
empty-handed at the magazine rack.
“Becoming a mom can be such an isolating
experience,” says Gore, who is raising Maia
in Southeast Portland with her partner,
Maria. “Especially if everyone in your com
munity isn’t having kids at once— like in
queer communities.”
Gore says that she felt like a “big dork"
when she had Maia and that she couldn’t really
connect with other mothers. “You try and find
this world of mothering and...they’re all just
talking shit, and it is super-isolating. The hard
parts (of motherhcxxl] are totally glossed over.
There is this sort of dark humor among moth
ers, but there’s also a Prozac pretty face that
everybody puts on it,” she remembers.
So Gore decided to become, if you will, one
mother of a mother. And Hip Mama— a mostly
reader-written forum packed with more person
al essays than expert advice— reflects the shift.
txm Hip became a hit. Time magazine
called Gore “the reigning mother superior.”
The New Yorker said she “provides succor to
moms who cannot relate to our culture’s
S
W hatever , M om : H ip M ama ’ s
G uide to R aising a T eenager
by Ariel Gore with Maia Swift; Seal Press,
2004; $14 95 softcover
hirtysomething Portland mom Ariel
G ore— the quiet and unassuming
publisher of Hip M am a magazine—
has several books under her belt: birth
and parenting helpers The Hip Mama
Survival Guide and The Mother Trip,
the memoir Atlas o f the Human Heart
and the co-authored anthology Breeder:
Real-Life Stories from the N ew Generation
o f Mothers.
The queer author’s new book,
Whatever, Mom: Hip M am a’s Guide to
Raising a Teenager, was written at the
shock of daughter Maia turning 13 and
declaring her cool, alternative, tattooed mom
to be a “major freak.”
Maia’s journey to independence has just
T
W rite u s!
ju s tria
welcomes letters to the editor.
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Information will not be published
mawkish notions of motherhixxl." These flat
tering remarks are not smoke and mirrors from
friendly reviewers but, rather, badges of honor
for Gore.
“As a feminist, it took me a really long time to
admit that 1 define myself as a mom,” she ex
plains. Part of Hip Mama’s vision was to remind
her that it’s more than OK to be herself. “The fact
that it’s really difficult some days doesn’t mean
that I’m a weak, degenerate person...[mother-
h(xxl) is really rough and really joyous.”
The scope of the magazine has changed
since her days at Mills College. “When I first
started the zine, I thought it was going to be for
young welfare moms and urban moms. But
right away, that’s not who it was,” Gore notes.
“All of a sudden they were people I’d never
dreamed o f...I didn’t foresee or understand that
everybody felt the same way— that they
weren’t allowed to tell the truth.”
Even though Hip Mama is a maga
zine for nontraditional moms, Gore
has realized along
Ariel Gore celebrates
the way that her
the 10th anniversary of ideas about what’s
her groundbreaking
traditional and
magazine and publishes
nontraditional
a new book to boot
often doesn’t quite
match up with real
life. “The thing that’s surprising to me
all the time is that super-suburban
people are just like m e...and then
there are crazy queer moms who are
really secretly conservative.”
The dyke publisher and author
believes that parents are usually the
worst sex educators and that it’s vital
not to add to the shame kids can feel
about sexuality. “It’s important not to be
weird about your own sexuality," Gore
proffers. “It’s tricky; an important part of
someone’s emerging sexuality is privacy
and boundaries...I think the main
thing is to be comfortable with your
own sexuality, which is a long process.”
In between each quarterly Hip
Mama issue, G ore’s not far from her
computer. In the past 10 years, she’s
penned four books— the latest,
W hatever, M om : Hip M am a’s Guide
to Raising a Teenager, is co-authored with her
daughter. (Gore playfully says M aia’s getting
a chance at a rebuttal.)
In the end, Gore hopes Hip Mama, this
year celebrating its 10th anniversary, will be a
part of the expansion of people’s concept of
being a mother. “It’s a constant effort to share
our stores and be real and remembering the
super-obvious things like totally sacrificing
yourself to your kid’s alleged happiness isn’t
going to get you anywhere,” she shares. “As
kids grow up, they want to feel like they have
interesting mothers. They don’t want to feel
like somebody gave their life for them. T h at’s
a bad place to be." J H
Visit HlP M a m a at www.hifmiama.com.
GlNA D a g g e t t is a Portland free-lance writer.
Reach her at www.ginadaggett.com.
REVIEW
begun, and that
robs the book of
a host of
personal
experiences,
stories and
insights that will
still be provided
to Gore during
the next few
years. Still,
Whatever is well-
Hip Mama’s guida to rounded by
Raising a Teenager
thorough
research and
statistics, as well
an abundance of
chapters with
voices of teens of all ages, including Maia’s.
Topics tackled are common teen issues like
drinking, curfews, sex, drugs, suicide and, of
course, uncool parents like Maia’s: “There isn’t
Whatever,
Mom
Avid '¿oixi
really anything you can do about your mom or
dad embarrassing you.... I think it’s something
that can never be properly fixed.”
What is most appealing about Mama Gore
is her tmthfulness. Her parenting txx)ks are
intimate kx)ks into daily joys and painful
moments that come with raising a “woman
child,” and she is never afraid to admit that she’s
on unknown territory, searching and dcxibting,
stmggling to let go and thrive in transition.
W ith a healthy dose of humor and panache,
Gore volunteers gentle guidance for the
journey to come, always exposing the limits of
the society that bred us. And truly
groundbreaking is her reassurance to all mamas
in mama-bashing patriarchy that being and
doing the best they can is enough: “Whatever
is going on, you already have everything you
need to meet this moment in your life. You do
not require a makeover.”
That is the beauty of Gore in a nutshell.
— Els Debbaut