tabruary fi. 2004
JR: What about all of the single queers
out there? How do you suggest they cele
brate the holiday?
DS: 1 suggest they fill a bathtub with
warm water and take a razor and open their
vein and slowly bleed to death.... No, I’m
teasing. Please don’t kill yourself on Valen
tine’s Day. It’s so cliché. It’s one thing to be
depressed and lonely; it’s another thing to be
a depressed, lonely cliché statistic.
One of the great unspokens is that single
people almost have more fun on Valentine’s
Day than partnered people. There’s no pres
sure on you, you have no one’s expectations
to fulfill, you’re not going to be disappoint
ed...and the bars and clubs will be full of
single people. The restaurants and bedrooms
are full of coupled people.
JR: Now let’s look at lovers who are in
long-term relationships. After years of res
ignation that it would never happen, we
might be three months away from the first
gay marriages in the United States. Consid
ering how rapidly this has come about, do
you feel like some same-sex couples might
rush into something they aren’t ready for?
DS: The danger, I think, in gay marriage
is to the young and naive gay people
who...grow up hearing that gay love isn’t
real and they’re like: “Oh, yes it is! My gay
love is so real that, look, we’re having a com
mitment ceremony! We’ve only been going
out for eight weeks— that’s how real our gay
love is!” It’s that kind of overcompensation
that can make people do embarrassing things
like make premature commitments to people
they barely know. And when gay marriage is
legalized, that will increase tenfold as people
divorced six months later if you didn’t know
that person very well.
So you ought to take it slow and be care
ful. Just because gay marriage is increasingly
an option in a lot of places doesn’t mean it’s
something you must do. You can get a fist in
your ass. You don’t have to.
"One thing
that I think homos
should not im port
from Heteroland
is this weird
association
that heteros
have always made
between arousal
and food"
JR: Speaking of Rick Santorum, are you
using the success of SpreadingSantorum.com
as a gauge of how well the 2004 election
will go?
DS: I have no idea how things are going
to go in the next election. I’m just gearing
up for 2006, when Rick Santorum is up for
re-election. I’m going to move to Pennsylva
nia and cause trouble for Rick Santorum. I
may run against him.
News Editor JlM RADOSTA can be reached at
jim@justout.com.
JR: And lick his stapler?
DS: Or worse. I’ll get a dog to lick his
stapler. It’s that dog-on-stapler sex.
—Dan Savage
JR: My friend Bruce says Wesley Clark
is the most “fuckable” presidential candi
date. Do you agree?
DS: I think Wesley Clark’s son is the
most fuckable person around. Wesley Clark?
I don’t know.... He just comes across like
Jeffrey Dahmer.... There’s something a little
off and odd, and I wouldn’t he surprised if he
has a couple of vats full of disintegrating
people in his basement.
make really idiotic decisions out of a defen
siveness: “I’ll show that Rick Santorum!
.. .I’m going to get married! That’s how in
love I am!” Then you’re going to have to get
JR: Do you think presidents have to be
attractive to get elected and, if so, what the
hell are we going to do if John Kerry gets
the nomination?
DS: Well, they have to be telegenic__
Hmmm,
Canada or Massachusetts
(isn't it great to have a choice?!)
T hat’s one of the problems for [Howard]
Dean, is he doesn’t come across well on TV.
You know, TV is the way people in America
assess modem national candidates__It’s
one of the qualifications for office. You used
to have to speak well; obviously, th at’s not
the case anymore with George Bush in
office. Now, you just have to play well on
the boob tube. jn
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