44 J o s t o u t ■ december 19. 2003
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Queer eyes on the prize
Ju st Out reco g n izes 2 0 0 3 ’s
dubious d istin ctio n s in cin e m a
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THE EX-GAY FILES
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a benefit fo r
t he P o r t l a n d L e s b i a n C h o i r a n d
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Exodus International has some stilt compe
tition in Ben Attleck. Six years ago he straight
ened out lesbian Joey Lauren Adams in Chasing
Amy; his latest victim was on-again, off-again
fiancee Jennifer Lopez in Gigit, a disaster that
expected us to buy her as a muff diver who
switches sexual orientations like longdistance
plans. “Keep an open mind, because you never
: know,” Attleck’s pushy mom (Lainie Kazan)
j tells the couple prior to J-Lo’s abmpt conver-
j sion. “Life is not always black and white.” G ee,
why didn’t 1 think of that?
Stephen Glass swapped spit with another
guy...w e think
Holly Hunter, who gave her best performance in
years as the drained mother of a young girl gone
wild. Evan Rachel Wood (T V ’s Once and Again)
effectively personified every parent’s worst night
mare: drugs, shoplifting, slutty clothes and, natu
rally, a quick dip in the queer end of the pool.
THAT’S SEW GAY
“ How did I let her talk me into doing this
lousy movie?”
GERRY’S KIDS
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W hile Attleck was working his hetero
magic, his best bud Matt Damon tipped the
Kinsey scale in the other direction. Gerry,
which reunited him with openly gay Good Will
Hunting director Gus Van Sant, culminated
with a homoerotic wrestling match in the
desert between Damon and Affleck’s little hro,
Casey. How do you like them apples?
T he year’s most pleasant surprise was School
o f KiK'k, a cute comedy from director Richard
Linklater (Dazed arid C onfused) and writer
Mike W hite (C huck & Buck). But much of the
credit belongs to Jack Black for chewing the
scenery as L\‘wey, an impostor substitute
teacher who convinces his repressed students
to form a band. He even lets fabulously fniity
fifth-grader Billy (Brian Falduto) get into the
act as their glam costume designer.
MISDIRECTED
Tins was a helluva year for openly queer film
makers. In March, three of them were vying for
the Best Director Oscar: Rob Marshall (Chicago),
Stephen
Dildry (The Hours) and Pedro Almodo
PINK ELEPHANT
var (Tidk to Her). Unfortunately, none of their
Portland’s favorite son Van Sant continued
immense talent has nibbed off on col
his winning streak (we’ll just pre
league Joel Schumacher, who solidi
tend Psycho never happened) with
fied
his status as Hollywood’s hugest
Elephant, a voyeuristic venture into
homo hack with Veronica Guerin, a
the hallways of a Columbine-
biopic about the Irish journalist (Cate
inspired high school. Queer audi
Blanchett) who was murdered for
ences appreciated the depiction of a
exposing drug lords. In his inept
Gay Straight Alliance meeting, and
hands, this potentially powerful story
they didn’t seem bothered by the
was reduced to a sub-Victoria Princi
intense same-sex smixich ’n’ shower
pal made-for-TV level. And guess
between the assassins (which put
who’s been tapped to tarnish the
that other shower scene to shame).
long-awaited silver screen version of
Bruiser came out of
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s beloved
TRISKAIDEKAPHILIA
the doghouse in
musical
The Phantom o f the Opera!
Thirteen w'as a lucky number for
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