7.2003 *,
HUMOR
............ ? ............
Fags and flags
e all know the words:
I led the pigeons to the flag
O f the United States o f America...
Or something like that.
On Oct. 14 the Supreme Q uirt agreed to
consider whether reciting the Pledge of Alle
giance with the words “one nation, under God"
was an unconstitutional endorsement of reli
gion by the government.
It’s about time.
1 was raised in an agnostic household. My
fathers attitude toward the existence of a deity
was pretty much “W ho knows? Who cares?” So
I always felt uncomfortable saying “under God"
when I wasn’t entirely certain there was a big,
invisible man in the sky.
My only positive childhcxxl memory of the
Pledge of Allegiance is from Mr. Newmans
fourth-grade class. Mr. Newman was a single
gentleman in his mid-30s, given to florid ties
and an above-average enthusiasm for musical
theater and physical fitness. He was the first
male teacher I ever had. He was also the first
man I knew who had pecs.
Every morning when we recited the pledge I
would steal a glance at Mr. Newman as he
furtively slid his hand inside his jacket and mas
saged his left tit, undoubtedly sore from chest
day at the gym, or perhaps because his nipple
was overworked by (what 1 feverishly imagined
to be) an equally fit male lover. O f course, 1
didn’t have pecs of my own at the time, but I
knew that when I did, I’d feel the same way
about mine as Mr. Newman did about his.
As a gay kid, I grew up with an awareness of
what it is to be an outsider. What I seemed to
know instinctively as a child— and what the
God into any secular exercise makes us a
nation divisible between believers and non
believers. No one should be excluded from
pledging allegiance to the republic for which it
stands— not even atheists.
I can’t help but notice that the peo
ple who rush to protect the flag don’t
seem remotely concerned that
they trample other people’s
civil rights to do it. Nor
do they seem to compre
hend that when religion
and government mix, funda
mentalism increases. Once you
believe Gixl is on your side,
you’re free to perform whatever
atrocities you’d like in His name.
But ;\s long as we’re rallying
around the flag, I think it’s high
time the gay community came up
with a pledge of our own. After
all, we’ve had the rainbow flag for
25 years now. St) would you all please rise,
place your hand over your hard-on and recite
with me:
With liberty and justice for most
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
b y M a rc A c ito
supporters of “under God" fail to understand—
is that a democracy protects the freedom of all
by protecting the freedom of the few.
The Under Godders argue that the Found
ing Fathers were Christian. Well, the Founding
Fathers also wore wigs and high-heeled shoes,
so why isn’t Qmgress legislating cross-dressing?
And it’s not as if the Pledge of Allegiance is
some sacrosanct statement Betsy Ross recited
to herself while she was sewing. In fact, the
creation of the pledge is actually a story of cap
italism, Qimmunism and coincidence.
n 1892, Youth Com/ranion magazine, the
Reader’s Digest of its day, commissioned the
pledge to honor the 400th anniversary of
Christopher Columbus landing in the New
World and giving syphilis to the Indians. The
magazine sent out leaflets containing the
pledge to schools all over the country.
Now, here’s the amazing coincidence. The
owners of Youth Companion were also in the flag-
selling business! Q tn you imagine? Only in Amer
ica would a company invent a pledge as a way to
move merchandise (26,000 flags to be exact).
Since then, the pledge has been amended
three times, the last being in 1954 when the
words “under Gixl" were added as a way of
distinguishing Americans from the godless
Commies. (The author of the pledge, Baptist
minister Francis Bellamy, was a Socialist.)
America has changed a lot since 1954,
and I’d like to think that an increased sensi
tivity to “liberty and justice for all” would
inspire the courts to
amend the pledge
once again.
Given the
current state of
the economy, I
might suggest
something more
k>
accurate like, “One
nation, unemployed.”
Or, with the heightened
state of alert under
Attorney Generalising
John Ashcroft, “One
nation, under guard.” Or
perhaps a tribute to the
man really running our
country: “One vice presi
dent, underground.”
Make no mistake. 1 now
believe in God with all my
heart. And I proudly salute my
nation’s flag. Just not at
the same time. Slipping
/ pledge allegiance to the fags
O f the United Gays o f America,
And to the recruitment o f Britney's fans,
Fun taste in underwear,
Individual,
With Liberace and juicy dish for all.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. J D
rX
M arc A cito ' s first novel, How I Paid for Qtllege,
will be published by DouNeday in September ¿004.
Write him at rnarc@nuircacito.com.
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