2 4 J “ * * o u t * august 1. 2003
Transforming
relationships
PHOTOS BY MARTY DAVIS AND TIMOTHY KRAUSE
Partners
of trans men
and women
share their stories
of change
by Kathy Beige
renda Schellenberg and Devan Deuel had been
dating for about three months when Devan felt
safe enough to tell. Although female on the
outside, Devan was trying to find the words to let
Brenda know he felt like a man on the inside and
was considering a sex change. Brenda misunderstood what
Devan was trying to say and in her most supportive
voice said, “But, honey, you’re 100 percent woman to
me!” Eight years later, they can laugh about it, hut
Devan, at the time, was crushed.
When a partner comes out as transsexual or
traascender, the impact on a relationship can
he devastating. Many if not most relationships
do not survive. When someone comes out as
trans, much like coming out as gay or lesbian, a
huge personal transformation takes place.
What few people recognize is that the partners
also go through a transformation.
Adrienne Wolmark, a Portland therapist
specializing in gender issues, says partners often
get lost in the shuffle. She says its important
for partners to become educated about the
process and to get support.
Here are personal stories, from the non-
transit ioning partners’ point of view, of a few
couples who’ve made it and a few who are
still working hard to stay together. They
share they triumphs, their struggles, their
hopes and fears.
The women with male-to-fcmale (MTF)
partners felt free to use their partner’s previ
ous names and pronouns, and almost spoke
identity, she knew that she and Steve had a
connection that she could not deny.
Together, the two spent many hours talk
ing about gender. “I’m a radical feminist,” she
says. “Studying gender and thinking gender
has always been fascinating to me. I was really
happy that I had this partner that was into
thinking about gender at a really deep level
with me.”
As their relationship grew, Ani began to
of them.as if they were two dif
ferent people. Those inter
viewed who have a female-to-
male (FTM) partner used only
the male pronoun and were
very protective of his previous
name.
Com ing o u t
ortlanders Ani Haines and
Steve Mitchell met at
KROO-FM, where they
Radical feminist and lesbian
each served as the host of a radio program.
Ani Haines (left) was
Ani, 37, has identified as queer since high
relieved to once again
school. She was president of the women’s
identify as a dyke when her
union in college and co-founder of the les
boyfriend Steve (inset) came
bian alliance. Yet she found herself falling
out as trans woman Theresa
in love with Steve.
She was contused. Many of her lesbian
friends had a hard time accepting that she was
seeing a man. Although Ani struggled with her