My < 2003*
HUMOR
..............▼..............
I didn’t know I had curly hair until I was 14- It
f may sound strange to he unaware of something
so elemental about yourself; it’s like not notic­
ing you were circumcised or had a club foot.
But back in 1980, the New Jersey standard
was Deney Terrio o f Dance Fever, so 1 regularly
tortured my hair into submission by setting the
blow-dryer to “G-force.” All that changed on a
humid spring break in Florida, where my hair
just curled up and dried.
The discovery that I was actually a mop top
came as a complete revelation to me. Shortly
thereafter 1 also realized I was gay. C oin ci­
dence? 1 think not. I traded in my blow-dryer
for blow jobs, and I’ve been kinky ever since.
Hair is an integral part of our identity. If
you don’t think so, let us recall the story o f
“ Rosie’s Locks and the Three Hairdos.” W hen
The Rosie O'Donnell Show first aired, it was
obvious the network brass wanted to fern our
girl up; her hair was so frosted and fussy she
looked like Kathie Lee Gifford retaining water.
With the show’s runaway success, however,
she returned to her Really Rosie color and a low-
maintenance (but still long-haired) boh. Then,
o f course, there was The Coming Out Haircut,
the one that looked like she leapt out o f the
chair before the stylist was finished. Suddenly
the Queen of Nice had become a Royal Butch.
It could have been worse. She could have
worn a mullet.
Now in defense of this much-despised style,
back in its heyday (when it was fxxify or spiky on
top), being a member o f the Mulletia meant you
were hip, axil and, in all likelihixxl, queer. 1
myself can be seen wearing one for all eternity in
my 1984 high school yearbook, along with a tie
narrower than Rick Santorum’s mind. I kx>k like
the secret love child o f Daryl Hall and John Oates.
Best tressed
Is your hair naturally gay?
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by Marc Acito
But gradually mullets evolved into the
“business in front, party in back” style favored
by people who spend weekends working on
their Harleys before piling the kids in the
pickup to go tractor shopping at the coun­
ty fair. I’m speaking, o f course, of red­
necks and lesbians.
How these two Mutual Aggravation
Societies came to share a hairdo I’ll
never know, but reminding your lesbian
sisters o f this fact might actually bring
an end to the shear madness. (Another
is to remind them that the abbrevia­
tion for “short on top, long in back"
is s/ilong.)
looks like an Army recruiting office. Compared
to us, straight guys are starting to look nelly.
Stylists call the buzz cut the “Two by Four”
(N o. 2 clippers on top, No. 4 on the sides), and
it’s equally popular with lesbians and straight
guys, which means heterosexual women are the
only people left on the planet who exhibit cre­
ativity with their hair.
(Except, o f course, yours truly. Through the
years I’ve experimented with more hairdo’s
and don’ts than Madonna. In fact, to view
hat I find even more be­
wildering is that rednecks
sport the haircut gays wore
20 years ago, while gays have
somehow ended up with a style
we used to associate with red­
necks: the buzz cut. You walk into
any gay bar on a Saturday, and it
Marc’s Museum o f Manes, please visit
www.marcacito.com and cast a vote for your
favorite co if by clicking on “ Vote for M arc’s
Hair.” )
I’m certain that some o f you readers secretly
long to use your heads as a venue for self-
expression. For instance, those o f you who do
that thing where you mold your hair up into a
ridge (aka the “Fauxhawk” ). N ice try, but to me
it just looks like you’re a pointy-headed new­
born after it’s squeezed through the birth canal.
And then there are those o f you with the
“Shove,” that hedge along your forehead that
makes grown men look like members o f the
Lollipop Guild. O n a recent episode o f Queer
as Folk, Ben’s shove was standing up so straight
he must have taken Rogaine and Viagra at the
same time.
Y’know, I can’t help but feel there’s a cer­
tain internal hom ophobia underlying this
insistence on getting on e’s hair to quite lit­
erally stand up “ straight.” Personally, I
yearn for the days when fey Oscar W ilde
types twirled their shoulder-length curls
while reciting poetry in crushed velvet
knickers.
So as a gay role model, once again I’m
leading the vanguard by literally letting
my hair down. I’m currently enjoying
the floppy freedom o f an Ashton
Kutcher shag. A t my age, I figure I
might as well have fun with my folli­
cles while they last. Like they say,
“ Hair tixlay, gone tomorrow.”
And that, my friends, is The
Gospel According to Marc. JH
MARC A c i TO ’ s hairdo's and dim’ls
can he seen at uceie. marcacito . arm.
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