aprii 18.2003’
li'm u riv i 4-i m e w s
past [5 months have been most
bittersweet for Wayne Kirk. Early
last year he finally came out of the
closet—to his doctor. His partner of
34 years was sick, and the strain of
concealing the true nature of their relationship
and trying to provide 24-hour care finally had built
to a point where he couldn’t hold back anymore.
Sadly, Dan Marks lost his three-year battle
with Lou Gehrig’s disease last fall. But their long
relationship taught Kirk important life lessons
about the significance of family and friends—
and of being true to yourself.
he couple met in 1967 in Pittsburgh, where
Kirk was working as an engineer. Marks,
who had grown up in the area, noticed him ice
skating at a rink in Monroeville. One day the
tall, young man introduced himself: “I’m Dan.
You’re quite the skater!”
With those simple words and the dinner the
two shared afterward, a relationship began that
spanned the country and more than three
decades— years that saw such seminal events as
the 1969 Stonewall riots, the emergence of queer
communities all over the world and the AIDS
epidemic. The couple created a life together that
took them to California and eventually to the
Pacific Northwest. Both had engineering back
grounds that led to work in the defense industry
of Southern California, a world of high-security
clearance and low tolerance for being “different."
It all came to an end last October when
Marks died in his sleep at a hospice in Vancou
ver, Wash. Ironically, the 57-year-old was due to
be released the next day. Kirk, who had hardly
left his side during the awful progression of his
illness, was sleeping in a bed next to him.
Marks’ decline in health began with a fall
from the hack patio at home. At the time it
seemed like a freak accident, hut a neurologist
saw something troubling on an X-ray and rec
ommended surgery to correct a loss of feeling
that Marks had developed in his right foot.
When the surgery resulted in absolutely no
change, a doctor gave them his diagnosis: Marks
had lower motor neuron amyotrophic lateral
sclerosis. The rare, progressive and usually fatal
neuromuscular illness is better known as Lou
Gehrig’s disease, named after the great New York
ballplayer who died from the condition in 1941.
Initially the couple were hopeful, and Marks
refused to accept a grim prognosis. Even at the
time of his death, the couple were planning a
cross-country trip. However, the disease had
spread into the upper extremities, where it can
affect the nerves and muscles that control
breathing and other vital functions.
T
T
he story of Kirk and Marks is of two men
living together and being faithful to each
L ove and L oyalty
Lou Gehrig's disease ends 34-year relationship
by Jack Turteltaub
^
0
|
1
g
§
conservative and
security-conscious
than the society
around them,
When
Kirk
had a job with a
Los Angeles com
pany in the 1970s,
he also carried a
top security clear
ance that allowed
him to do work in
Las Alamos, N.M.,
where the original
atom bomb had
been developed in
total secrecy dur
ing the 1940s.
While the couple
were not com
pletely
isolated
from gay culture,
Wayne Kirk volunteers at Hospice Southwest, which offers families an alternative they had to he
“homelike” environment where loved ones may receive end-of-life care
secretive and tact
ful, especially in
the early years, in a world where
any hint of sexual deviance could
lead to immediate termination.
Kirk recalls inviting un
suspecting friends to parties at
their house: “I remember friends
coming over from work and talk
ing about football. They thought
Dan and I were relatives or
cousins. Nobody ever brought up
or discussed our relationship.”
Fortunately, as the world
opened its mind to queers, work
places became friendlier, too. Kirk
speaks warmly about some of the
Daniel M arks (left) and Wayne Kirk celebrate Christm as
people at Hewlett-Packard, where
three years ago
Marks was employed when they
other hut also remaining officially in the closet moved to the Northwest. Not only did the com
until January 2002, when Kirk finally broke pany allow Marks to keep working from home
on a contract basis almost until the day of his
down in his physician’s office during a checkup.
He marvels that his doctor “spent an hour lis death, bosses and peers became close and sup
portive friends.
tening to me,’’ then referred him to a therapist.
The importance of family runs like a thread
Kirk describes being “out” as “the most won
through all of Kirk’s conversations. Looking
derful feeling of freedom. I’m not afraid anymore
back, he realizes he’s been a “people person” all
if someone should ask.”
But why did he and his partner stay in the clos his life, developing many close friendship» and
et for so long? Kirk and Marks worked as engineers trying to have a p>ositive effect on those around
in a defense industry subculture that was more him—gay or straight.
Kirk and Marks once helped an abused
mother and her six children deal with domestic
violence, drugs and abject poverty over a period
of years. They helped the family escape from a
violent relationship, moving them out of a
shack and into a rental property they owned.
Kirk remembers telling the woman, “We
can’t help you unless you leave your husband.”
She replied, “He’s sleeping right now; can you
come and get us?” Kirk and Marks did, and it
made quite a difference.
The woman’s oldest son, then a teen-ager,
lived with the couple for several years, eventual
ly graduating from Evergreen High School.
Today he is a married father and a sales repre
sentative “who makes more money than 1 ever
did.” Kirk proudly notes, “You know, to this day,
he calls or visits me every week.”
Kirk loves photographs—of all the people
important in his life— which he displays in his
Vancouver living room. He proudly shares pictures
of him and Marks getting married many years ago
by a gay Unitarian minister at the Metropolitan
Community Church in Long Beach, Calif.
Kirk came from a big family— three sisters
and three brothers— and reveals that one of his
brothers for years had trouble accepting him
because of his sexual orientation and his rela
tionship with Marks. His brother finally visited
him a few years ago, and they reconciled.
Kirk will travel hack to Pennsylvania next
month to bury the same brother, who recently
committed suicide because of health problems.
He is looking forward to the ceremony and to
reuniting with other family members, an event
he sees as healing and redemptive.
K
irk learned one of his most important life
lessons while volunteering at Hospice South
west. After retiring in the early ’90s because of
heart problems, he looked around for other ways he
could contribute to society. Having been appalled
by the poor treatment his dying mother was sub
jected to in a nursing home, his eyes were opened
to alternative care for the dying. He says that the
experience has been profoundly moving and that
“I learned how to be more patient with people."
Later this year construction will begin on the
first free-standing hospice center in the Southwest
Washington area. Kirk hopes to play a role in the
building and development of the facility, which is
in the planning stages. He says his involvement
with the hospice staff has helped him appreciate
the profoundly important work they do. JT1
For more information about HOSPICE
S o u t h w e s t call 360-696-5/00.
J a c k T u r t e l t a u b is a psychologist, coach and
free-lance uniter who may be reached at
turtelta@e-z.net.
Dignity in Being You
EQUITY
F OUNA ATION
Investing m Dignity
Sebastian is a boy dyke who came out when he was 14. She says the youth
and adult advocates at Sexual Minority Youth Recreation Center encouraged
him to be who she wanted to be.
"S M Y R C was the place where I could g o try on any identity that I wanted to.
They asked me questions and listened non-judgmentally. They taught me to play
pool and be around people of all sorts without being afraid.”
Equity Foundation supports organizations such as S M Y R C that encourage youth
to be themselves, whether they're queer or questioning. Your gift to Equity is an
Investment In dignity.
Founded In 1989 by O regon’s Gey end Lesbian com m unity.
Ad sponsored by Marvin Salles, Realtor end Susan Nestor, CPA.
W W W .C Q U i t y f 0 l i n d 8 t i 0 n . 0 r Q
PO Boi 5696
Portland, OR
97228-5696
503-231-S759
17