t’s inevitable. As soon as someone finds out
my partner and 1 have been together 16
years they always say the same thing: “Wow!
How do you do it?”
I hope they’re expressing admiration for us
instead of simply wondering how we could pos
sibly put up with one another for so long.
Over the years I’ve come up with a num
ber of pithy responses. “We go out dancing
twice a week,” I’ll say. “ I go on Fridays, Floyd
on Saturdays.”
Or “We have sex almost every day of the
week: almost on Monday, almost on Tues
day. ...” I got a million of ’em.
Since I’m asked this question a lot, I’ve
made something of a study of the mating habits
of successful long-term couples— people who,
after a decade or two, still seem to actually like
one another.
In honor of Valentine’s Day I thought I’d
share these observations with you. If your
longest relationship was with a trick who
stayed for breakfast, then read on.
I
Marc’s Successful Relationship Tip #1:
Opposites Attract
In every relationship, someone’s got to be
Ernie and someone’s got to be Bert. If you both
have the same personalities, you’re bound to have
the same blind spots. The downside of this bal
ancing act is that you may argue. Fortunately for
gay people, we don’t have to contend with all
that Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
crap. With gay guys it’s more like Men Are from
Mars, and You're a Lowdown Cheating Tramp.
Hoyd and I are so well balanced in this regard
we can’t even make the simplest decision with
out major debate. It requires an act of Congress
before we can decide on a new cell phone plan.
True love
Marc’s Guide to Long-Term Relationships
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
b y M a rc Acito
Sometimes I think the only reason we’re
still together is because we can’t agree on how
to break up. Here’s a transcript from an actual
argument, circa October 1996:
Hoyd: “Why don’t you just leave?”
Marc: “Why should I leave? You leave.”
Hoyd: “No, you leave.”
Marc: “No, you leave.”
If we ever resolve this one, we’re done for.
M arc’s Successful Relationship Tip #2 :
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
O K , I know this sounds like I’m contra
dicting Tip #1, but I never said relationships
were easy. You see, as important as it is to
not have the same blind spots, it’s equally
important to have enough in common to
build a life together.
The best couples I’ve known are pretty
much cut from the same cloth. In terms of
background, beliefs and values, they share a
common frame of reference. So when one part
ner says, “Stop acting like Bette Davis in All
About Eve," the other one knows immediately
to quit being a booze-guzzling bitch on toast.
Poison's
Back!
Interesting
ly, the single
largest deal-
breaker I’ve seen
in gay relationships has
been mismatched intel
lects. If one guy is a Rhodes
scholar and the other so dumb it
takes him two hours to watch
60 Minutes, then one of you is bound to
start cheating intellectually. And there are
plenty of gay men out there happy to screw
with your mind.
M arc’s Successful Relationship Tip #3 :
Let’s Get Physical
If you’re truly interested in mating for life,
then you best make certain you’ve chosen some
one who makes you want to do it like monkeys
in the ztx>. Unfortunately, I know a number of
gay men who’ve settled for such severe bed
death you want to send them a wreath.
Here’s the deal: The temperature in the
bedroom will go down over time. So you want
to make sure the thermometer starts all the
way at the top.
M arc’s Successful Relationship Tip # 4:
Make 'Em Laugh
Long-term relationships are hard work; you
need someone who’ll lighten the load. Trust
me, this is especially helpful when you back
your car into your partner’s.
L
astly, if you’re in doubt about a potential
mate, I suggest you try the patented Smile
Test, which was developed by my friend
Emily as a shopping tactic. You know how
when you’re trying on clothes and you’re stand
ing in front of the mirror saying: “I don’t know.
What do you think? I like the color, but....” ?
Forget it. You’ll never wear the thing.
If, on the other hand, when you Kx)k at your
self your face broadens into a grin, then whip out
that credit card, honey; the outfit’s a keeper.
The same is true for people, if the mere men
tion of someone’s name makes you smile like a
beauty queen, that’s a gcxxi sign. If you start a con
versation that takes a week to finish, even better.
If you fit in bed like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, then
hold on tight. This one may be the keeper.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. | H
M arc A cito won’t call his partner his husband
until it's legal. Write him at marcacito@attbi.com.
PORTLAND GAY MEN’S CHORUS
presents
Classical Voices
Darcelle XV & Co.
roiuf to welcome back
toe ca&t after 10 years,
7 Parfland’s own
/
J
Poison Waters!
Friday and SatH
w J :3 i) p m & 1
Sunday, February 23 @ 2 p.m
“he Old Church
SW 1 1th and Ciay— Downtown Portland
To Purchase Tickets Contact: PCMC @503-226-2588
3rd Ave
^ K v atio n s 503-222-5338
www.darceilexv.com
or Online @ www.pdxgm c.org
Ticket Prices: $1 5 general & $20 VIP post-concert reception