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Rusty mojo
. B I S T R O - f *
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Sex tips from Sally and the monkeys
t can happen to anyone.
Lesbian Bed Death is that time in the
natural evolution of a relationship when
two warm, sensuous women slide their silky,
pulsating bodies together under the covers and
promptly fall asleep.
As a lesbian in a long-term relationship,
its the mental preoccupation that gets in my
the way the most. 1 sometimes find my sexu
al overtures trumped by whatever is on
Sweetie’s mind. It’s not easy to retrieve her
attention from worrying about that load of
wet laundry she suddenly remembers or what
M o’s going to do after Jezzana closes
Madwimmin Books.
My sexual response is also susceptible to
myriad distractions, such as the widespread
misuse of the word myriad as if it were a syn
onym of plethora, which it’s not, hello?
There’s no end to the demons that lure us
away from making love with the one we love.
Last week when Sweetie and I were getting
amorous, the cat started retching at the foot of
the bed. That sound sure can sidetrack a pri
vate party. By the time she
was done, Pussy’s rhythmic
efforts prcxJuced the only
thing in our bed that was
still hot and heavy.
Our flames of passion
also get doused by external
influences, such as seeing
Lon Mahons smiling face
in the voters’ pamphlet or
watching the frat-boy
president steer our country
into World War 111. And
how sexy do we feel when
yet another ignoramus
assures us they don’t care
what we do “behind
closed dexirs,” which we
know dam well is nothing
more than snoring and
passing gas?
Our sex life is our own
business, but who has the
energy to focus on the bottom line? Why are
we always “too tired” ? Have we squandered our
energies on silly little things like getting the
Dermxiratic senatorial candidate elected and
paying our utility bills?
Have we forgotten the importance of mak
ing love with the one we love? What happened
to our priorities?
aybe we let the homophobes get to us. 1
think 1 got so wrapped up in proving
that lesbians are more than our sexuality,
I didn’t notice that my own sexuality was drop
ping out of the picture. 1 was determined to
counter the stereotype of the sex-obsessed
homosexual’s same-sex sexual orientation. Sex
sex sex! Is that all they think we do?
I’d come home from debunking the myths
to my hotsy-totsy girlfriend and be reluctant to
engage in so much as hand holding, lest Pat
Robertson pop out from the T V and cause us
to spend the rest of our evening chasing him
around with a rolled-up newspaper.
But it’s not too late. Even those of us who
have been together since mullets were cool can
still reawaken our natural, carnal vitality and
reignite our power to be turned on by each
other’s magnificence. And I know this is true
despite it also being the message of Joann
Lulan, the renowned lesbian sex therapist who
S al, dnnlc an c H e merry
“ My Favorite Discovery of
2002—a Near Perfect Bistro”
high up o ff ike ground in O ld S o w n
Kathryn Kurtz-The Columbian
!
v
,1
A
Now Serving
Wednesday Lunch
L ivin g
ifJrenck kislro fare wilk
Full Bar
by Sally Sheklow
bilked our community of thousands of dollars
for her workshops and books and is now mar
ried to a man for Chrissake. Whatever, let it
go. Honor diversity.
Even Dr. Ruth advises sexually dormant
couples to get the TV out of the boudoir. I find
it decidedly anti-erotic to spend my late nights
in the glow of arrogant white guys.
If you’re not willing to move the TV, at .
least watch something more sexy, like the
Nature Channel. During one of our dry spells,
Sweetie and I were vegging in front of the telly
when we happened to catch a documentary
about the bonobo chimpanzees. Have you
heard of this matriarchal species? They are the
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most happy, peaceful and contented social ani
mals on the planet. And why? They have lots
of sex.
We were fascinated to learn that the
females have giant clitorises and labia right
out front, which they keep satisfied by engag
ing in every imaginable form of sex with each
other. These big girls swing from limb to limb
just to bump vulvas with their pals several
times a day— every day! They don’t bother
with candles, oils or hot baths. N o long,
uninterrupted dates required, no complicated
scenes to negotiate. They just look into each
other’s eyes and get it on. Those bonobos
inspired us, and our rusty mojos loosened up
in no time.
If the two of us can do it, you can, too. So
what if you haven’t been between each other’s
legs since Sonja Johnson ran for president?
Sure, you might feel like your pilot light has
been out so long you wouldn’t know what to
do if someone lit a match. But don’t let inertia
rob you and your honeybuns of the sexual plea
sure you once knew— and still deserve.
Take a tip from the bonobos. Swing right
on over to your love object, clear away the
cobwebs, and jump her bones. J H
S ally S heklow is enjoying her bananas at
sally@ivympro v . com.
R its y ic fl
Visit us at
www.starkys.com
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