2Q.20Û2-
HUMOR
hy don’t you ever write about
lesbians ?”
1 get asked this question from
time to time, usually by (surprise,
surprise) a lesbian. My answer is always the
same: “Because I’m not a lesbian.”
That’s right, girls, it’s true. Don’t let the
facial hair fool ya.
I do, however, feel a certain solidarity with
my Sapphic sisters. You see, as far as sex with
men is concerned, I’m something of a washout.
I could order a vodka and Vicodin, and 1 still
couldn’t bottom. Hell, I don’t even like sitting
on the stationary Like at the gym
I’ve always admired gay guys who are
skilled in the bedroom arts: men with
mouths like Hoovers and butts like the Pana
ma Canal, men with bodies as hollow as a
chocolate Easter bunny no matter which end
you’re entering. But the only kind of sex I’ve
ever displayed any skill for is— get this— with
a woman.
That’s right. I was a damn good carpet
muncher, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. You
know the guy in the bar who could stick a
cherry stem in his mouth and actually tie it
into a knot? That was me.
I first developed this skill as a defense. As a
teen-ager I regularly went down on girls just so
they wouldn’t find out I didn’t have an erec
tion. Needless to say, it made me very popular.
One girl boxed the sides of my head so hard I
couldn’t hear out of one ear for hours.
But I gotta admit, I also liked it. I’m sure if
women had 9-inch clitorises I’d be straight
today.
My point is that I’m not one of those gay
men who disdain lesbian sex as simply
“Bumpin’ Brillos.” I completely understand
vd
Eager beaver
My Vagina Monologue
TH E G O S P E L
A C C O R D IN G
TO M A R C
b y M a r c A c it o
why you all have those Georgia O ’Keefe prints
on your walls.
So, naturally, I was very excited to see The
Vagina M onologues when it came to town
with Karen Black, the famous cross-eyed
actress. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get into the
opening, pardon the pun; it was a womyn-
only event. (Complete with sign language
interpretation, I’m sure. Frankly, I think the
reason there’s always a sign language inter
preter at lesbian events has less to do with
concerns for the deaf and more with showing
off in public how nimble your fingers are. Just
an observation.)
Anyway, I fully intended to go another
night, but the best-laid plans of mice and
Marco often go astray, so I rented the video
instead.
■he video stars Eve Ensler, the show’s cre
ator, who is not cross-eyed but does sport a
jet black Louise Brooks bob much like the
one seen in the new Broadway version of
Thor
oughly
M odem Millie. The
Vagina Monologues
is an intense, fasci
nating and harrowing experience,
but, being gay, I spent a lot of time
thinking about that haircut and,
more importantly, whether the show could be
adapted. Vagina! The Musical. I love it.
I’d have to cut all the disturbing stuff, of
course. We’d start instead with a rousing up
tempo number, something like "Luck Be a
Labia Tonight." Then we can get a little more
serious with an ode to the Creator Goddess
called “Snatchmaker, Snatchmaker."
Perhaps Karen Black, the famous cross-eyed
actress, could be in it. Music theater queen
that I am, I have actually seen footage from
Ms. Black’s strangely intense cabaret act in
which she sings “Eleanor Rigby” in what can
only be described as an off-coloratura voice.
The first act will end with an entire section
Northbank
on the menstrual cycle called “Ragtime,”
examining the lunar connection with
“How Hymen the Moon" and finishing with
a piece about how women living
together can get their periods
at the same time called
“It’s Raining Menses.”
I’m so excited— I’m
sure my Vagina! will be
bigger than Cats. In fact,
maybe I could combine
the two and call it Pussy
G alore. Oh, the possibilities
are endless.
The experience will be so
empowering— after listening to my
stirring arrangement of “Oh Holey
Night" there won’t be a dry lap in the
house. And the audience will walk out
of the theater humming my new version of
the Donna Summer/Barbra Streisand disco
classic, “My Muff Is Enough.”
But regardless of the huge box office (pun
intended), what will make me happiest is that
finally there will be a performance that les
bians and gay men can enjoy together. Mar
garet Cho aside, there’s few who can do that.
(Note to self: Is Margaret Cho available? Can
she sing?)
So to my female readers who have felt
slighted that I haven’t written more about les
bians, please remember that I’m here for you—
at your cervix.
And that, my friends, is T he Gospel
According to Marc. JP1
M arc A cito wonders whether lesbians will ever
ask him to write about them again. H e can be
reached at m arcacito@ attbi.com .
IMPROVE YOUR
iU J r/ A
»
g a y -o w n e d & o p e ra te d
Lose inches
while eating
the foods
you love!
1 0 6 W 6 th St
V ancou ver, WA
3 6 0 -6 9 5 -3 8 6 2
NEW OWNERS
NEW MANAGEMENT
NEW ATTITUDE
We w elcom e ALL diversities
Hour?
Tues&Wed - 12pm- 12am
Thurs - 12pm-lam
Fri&Sat - 12pm-2am
Sun - 12pm-12am
“Make us your first & last stop’
~ Casual Dining
~ Lounge
~ Game Room
~ Live Music
Open 4:00 Daily
eight Management
Personal Care
& Fitness
~
~
~
~
~
D r Recommended
FD A Approved
All Natural
120 N W Third Avenue, Portland, OR 97209 • (503) 224-3285
Parking Validated Smart Park Davis & Front
www.hobos.citysearch.com
Call 8 0 0 5 6 5 -1 6 7 5
or visit
tvww.HealthyandSlender.com
-
Call today for a
free qualification
over the phone
First Time Buyers ♦ FHA/VA Loans
Self-Employed • Complicated Borrowers
Bankruptcies & Foreclosures • Credit Problems
Investment Properties ♦ Pre-approvals
10 0 % Financing Programs
SPARTACUS
300 S W 1 2 T H
503 . 224.260
“When u)e learned the landlord was selling
our house, u)e called Christine in a panic. Being
self employed, u)e thought it might be impossible
to buy, but Christine came to the rescue. She
m ade the extra effort to get a ll our
p a p erw o r k in ord er a n d the loan
approved.
Patti & Joy, Rita's Flowers
”
-
Christine Hall
Senior Loan Consultant
President's Club
503 - 698-5429
F
I 'l l
800-343-9943
5 03 301-1941
-
Pager
hollc@eoglehomemortgoge.com