HUMOR
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Weighty matters
M o r e th o u g h ts o n liv in g la r g e
ince announcing I lost 60 pounds I’ve been
deluged with people asking for weightdoss
advice. Suddenly I’m more popular than a
pom star at a game of strip poker.
But a large number of even larger people
have accused me of being fatphobic. Some
bears even growled at me during Gay Pride.
1 understand that some people find it
impossible to slim down, just as some people
can eat a can of frosting every day for breakfast
and still look like a concentration camp victim.
But I am neither.
What I am is the kind of person who lies to
himself. 1 may reside in Oregon, but I live in a
state of denial. For instance, despite being
5-foot-9 since I was 14, it was only last year
that I stopped justifying second helpings by
saying, “It’s OK, Marco, you’re a growing boy.”
Yeah, width-wise perhaps.
Apparently I’m not alone. A 1992 study
done at St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital in New
York showed via urine analysis that subjects
underreported how much they’d eaten by half.
T hat’s right, half.
In a culture where it costs just pennies to
Super Size your fast food, we’ve forgotten what
constitutes a normal portion anymore. Even
healthy eaters are susceptible to overeating, as
witnessed by the
fact that
every time
Floyd and
I have
S
clean
out
every
cookie in the
house. And just
try ordering a low-
fat sandwich at Subway— the
clerk will cheerfully offer you
such well-known diet staples
as cheese, mayonnaise,
oil, olives and chips. A
boy could gain a dress
size.
What finally motivated
me to take control of my
weight was the “W ho would
play me in a movie?” game.
W hile I sat trying to choose
between Robert Downey Jr. and
Matthew Broderick my friends
came to a swift and unanimous
conclusion: Nathan Lane.
I was on the treadmill the next
morning at 6. “How did this happen.7" I panted
to Floyd. “I thought 1 was the slender wacky
guy, not the pudgy one.”
“Nah, you’re more of a roly-poly type,” he
said. “Y’know, like Harvey Fierstein.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “You don’t ever
want to have sex again, do you.7”
In my usual obsessive-compulsive way I
researched the various diets and discovered
you’re better off eating the books than reading
them. Basically they all say the same thing:
Reduce calories. If you’d like to reduce them in
an informed, sensible manner I recommend
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M a rc Acito
you read A Business Plan for the Body. I did, and
I’m pleased to say that after 20 years of yo-yo
dieting, it worked.
But then something else happened.
You see, while my motivation had been my
pathetically fragile sense of ego, I started to
notice I was feeling better. A lot better.
In the same way I had convinced myself
that chocolate was a protein because it came
from beans, I’d also convinced myself that
chafing thighs were a normal consequence of
taking a brisk walk.
W h at’s alarming to me is that other peo
ple didn’t think o f me as overweight, partly,
I’m sure, because 1 hadn’t tucked my shirt in
for five years, but also because we seem to
have lost perspective as to what a normal
weight is.
If you’d like to know how much of a strain
being 60 pounds
overweight
can be, go
into a
gym
and
pick up
3 60-
pound
dumbbell.
Now bend
over. Now stand up. Now call
your chiropractor.
You growling bears and
the like argue rightly that
genetics play a part in
determining weight. O f
course. If your parents are
naturally substantial in size,
then Robert Downey Jr. or
Matthew Broderick probably
aren’t going to play you in a
movie. But that doesn’t explain
why Americans are more than
¿A 10 pounds heavier now than
we were 20 years ago. And
gaining.
Resisting that second portion is an enor
mously difficult challenge. I know— 1 was the
pudgy, wacky guy. And if you’re not ready to—
or simply don’t want to— I understand and
respect that. But if, like me, you’ve grown thick
and tired, I’m convinced you can make a last
ing change.
If I can do it, anyone can.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. JT"!
M a r c A c it o aspires to be the next Richard
Simmons but with a better haircut. Write him at
m arcacito@ attbi. com .
july 19.2002
V isualize T our
inKC'f 0 Bzaaty
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