19.2002
ADVICE
V
Looking for
a partner?
So are we. Embers, Fish Grotto, Boxxes and the Brig,
Red Cap Garage, Panorama, Scandals and Silverado
are looking for partners to help us raise funds for
Esther's Pantry and Our House of Portland. Our
establishments, along with Just Out and Coors Light,
will be teaming up from now until July 15th to make
a donation to organizations serving and caring for
people living with AIDS. So come visit us, bring your
friends, enjoy yourself and support Esther's Pantry
and Our House of Portland.
"A MUST-SEE
LAUGH FEST.
When straight friends turn gay
D ear M s . B ehavior :
I recently learned that Carly,
one of my closest straight
friends, is having a serious affair
with a woman named Alana.
She kept it secret for months
and even lied to me about a
series of things, including who
she went on vacation with.
Carly always said she liked
the company of lesbians but
wasn’t one. Through the years
she’s come with me to a thou
sand gay bars, movies, even
Pride parades. When drunk she
would joke that she wanted to
have a threesome with me and my girlfriend,
but no one took it seriously.
Now 1 feel misled, hurt and confused. Was
Carly gay all along? Why didn’t she tell me?
I can’t help rethinking every conversation
we had about her liking men and being straight.
1 feel like Carly lied and used me to absorb gay
culture and try on our lifestyle to see if it fit.
She says she wanted to tell me about Alana
but was afraid. But that’s like being afraid to
tell the Pope you’re Catholic, isn’t it?
I wish 1 could let it go and be happy for her.
Your advice?
— Carly’s Fool
D ear C arly ’ s F ool :
Some homos come out in one giant burst,
telling everyone who’ll listen. Other homos,
particularly those who are afraid or confused or
perhaps voyeuristic interlopers, keep their
queemess under wraps for as long as possible.
Some, like Carly, are even reluctant to
come out into the warm
bosom of their own
flamboyantly gay friends
and family. This is
sometimes because they
aren’t quite comfortable
and can’t bear having
the focus on them.
They also are not in the
mood to receive the
life-affirming self-help
books that include both spiritual advice and
grooming tips, which well-meaning friends
often give as gifts.
Carly’s love relationship with another
woman will undoubtedly affect you and your
girlfriend. Sometimes a couple rely on a third
person to keep them together.
Maybe you feel afraid to lose Carly as your
“sidekick,” particularly since she flatters you
and your partner with her desire to sleep with
you both. You may now need to find some
other amoebic sidekick to act as the glue of
your relationship.
While you’re sorting this out, try telling
Carly how you feel. She may be able to help
you to understand why it was hard for her to
he straight with you. (Or, in
this case, queer with you.)
D ear M s . B ehavior :
1 have a question so basic
it’s embarrassing, and I’ve asked
certain other advice columnists
to no avail. I hope you’ll
indulge me.
What is the correct form of
address used, quickly and
unambiguously, by a gentleman
for a woman not yet intro
duced to him? I’m thinking of
situations like when I see a
woman drop her glove and
want to return it to her.
“Ma’am” used to be so easy, but I’ve found
that some women take that as a term only for
people older than themselves (however old
they may be). “Miss” sounds condescending for
anyone older than 12. “Yo, lady!” is (at least to
me) literally unspeakable. Any suggestions?
— Scott
D ear S cott :
Ms. Behavior assumes you’ve accidentally
stumbled onto her planet, but she’ll try
directing you anyway.
If you’re in a sex club and the dropped
glove is made of latex and used for sexual acts,
you can safely address the glove dropper as
“Daddy.” Use your handkerchief to pick it up.
If, however, dropped glove is a winter mit
ten, you can just say “Excuse me,” without
dwelling on gender-appropriate or age-appropri
ate language, and hand the woman her glove. If
the woman you’re addressing does not turn
around or acknowledge
you, you might try
something more specif
ic, like, “Excuse me, you
in the big puffy white
coat with the ostrich
feathers at the neck."
If the dropped
glove happens to be
black or white silk
and elbow-length,
“M a’am ” would still be the way to go.
I feel like Carly lied
and used me
to absorb gay culture
and try on our
lifestyle to see If It fit
Italy HILARIOUS!”
Brandon Judell,
indiewire
-
“Chois one
of th e 4 o r 5
FUNNIEST
comedians
in America.”
Dazed and confused
MARGARET CHO
- Stephen HoUen,
New York Times
D ear R eaders :
In her last column, Ms. Behavior attributed
the song “Lovin’ You” to the wrong artist. It’s
by Minnie Ripperton, not Olivia Newton-
John. Thanks to all of the astute homosexuals
who wrote in to correct the error.
jn
© Meryl Cohn 2002
MERYL C ohn is the author of Do What I Say:
Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian
Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin). Her Internet site is
wtuw.msbehavior.com. Send questions or
correspondence to msbehavior@aol.com.
V a c a t i o n T V a v e l P la n n e r s
WELLSPRING
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