Ju s t out ;
BOOKS
What's a gay to do?
^^^Qt/V^uld
Advice from America’s Best Christian
tops the list of current must-haves
How to Succeed of the Expense of Others
in This World and the Next
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4 ,K Mrs. (3 «tty g o w e r s ^
America's Best Christian
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W hat W ould B etty D o ?
How to S ucceed at the E xpense
of O thers in T his W orld and the N ext
by Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian,
as told to Paul A. Bradley. Fireside, 2002;
$ 12 softcover.
S
elf-help has become one of America’s de
facto religions, practically on par with
Christianity. And like Christianity, its
such a hig, brainless target that it’s
spawned many a satire. (Who can forget Is
Martha Stuart Living ? from her highness’s hey
day a few years back?)
What Would Betty Do? combines self-help
with religion, making the target bigger and bet
ter. Betty isn’t a new phenomenon; she has had
a cult Internet site, www.bettybowers.com, for
a couple of years. But this guide by “America’s
Best Christian” is new, and it’s one of those
rare instances of the Net producing words that
deserve to be preserved in print.
The pretematurally pushy Betty is a delirious
combination of self-delusion and self-righteous
ness. Like a Bible-crazed Joan Crawford, she tells
readers exactly what to think and how to live,
all the time making it clear that even the most
devoted will never come up to her heavenly
standard. Even the Lord isn’t safe from her
barbs: “If God created me in His image, I have
more than remmed the compliment!”
She's equally handy with recipes (“Betty’s
World-Famous ‘Brutal Death of Our Savior’
Cookies") and tip>s on the proper couture for
abortion clinic bombings and executions. In
her all-Betty-all-the-time world, even
cherubs— those cloying little hutterhalls with
wings— conspire to keep her on top: The cover
shows them doing her hair, spraying perfume
on her wrists and generally slaving to keep her
looking good.
“Real” author Paul A. Bradley is so good at
sending up the rabid Christian right that read
ers might want to sample the book rather than
read it straight through, lest the fun end too
fast. It’s hard to resist such choice items as
“Betty’s p>et project, the Christian Crack Whore
Ministry” or her mock interviews with Eminem
and Laura Schlessinger (“You are simply too
slutty to sp>eak at my church, dear” ). Her ver
sion of the gay agenda is a to-do list with such
entries as “4:10 p.m.: Time permitting, bring
about the decline of Western Civilization.”
Like Martha, she’s also seasonally minded.
Many readers will want to know “there are
only 297 shopping days ’til the Apxxalypse.” If
only the hellfire crowd would read this hook.
Now that would be self-improvement.
— Gary Morris
RITA MAE
& SNEAKY PIE \
DRCWN ••
C atch as C at
C an : A M rs .
M urphy
M ystery
by Rita Mae
Brown and Sneaky
Pie Brown.
Bantam Books,
2002; $24.95
hardbound.
F
or a small,
usually quiet
town nestled
at the edge of the
Blue Ridge Mountains and inhabited by some
of Virginia’s finest old-money descendants, the
rate of mysterious happenings in Crozet during
this spring season is awfully high.
A dead pileated woodpecker is found,
Miranda Hogendohher’s hubcaps have been
stolen, Roger O ’Bannon (the vulgar and
obnoxious salvage yard owner) dies suddenly
after drinking a cup of coffee at the Dogwood
Festival Tea Party, followed by another mysteri
ous death and a string of crimes ranging from
minor to international. Postmistress “Harry”
Haristeen and her entourage of house pets—
Mrs. Murphy the tiger cat, Tee Tucker the
Welsh corgi and Pewter the shamelessly fat
gray cat— must, of course, investigate.
Catch as Cat Can is the 10th installment of
the charming Mrs. Murphy mystery series by
Rita Mae Brown, considered by many to be
America’s most successful modem lesbian
writer. (The author adopted Sneaky Pie Brown
from her local SPCA .)
As with previous Mrs. Murphy mysteries,
Catch as Cat Can offers a delightfully fun escape
from the stresses of present-day reality. It is the
“ purr-feet ” read for animal lovers who want a
light getaway over a rainy weekend or a lazy
week’s retreat in the sun. Escap>e and enjoy!
— Page Jordan
T he S ummer
T hey C ame
by William
Storandt. Villard
Books, 2002;
$12.95 softbound.
l p
T
he Summer
They Came is
an example of
what I like to call
an “ab book”— a
gay novel that
has nothing to
recommend it
except a set of
beautiful abs on the cover. This first novel by
William Storandt (author of the memoir Out-
hound) is proorly structured and populated by
one-dimensional stock characters.
The story concerns the town of Long Spit,
R.I., an area of pristine beaches and old-money
mansions. But it’s so isolated (and insulated)
that even the next generation of blue bloods
isn’t coming any more, and the neglected town
is falling into disrepair.
Enter Mike, who takes his friend, Artie, for
a helicopter ride over the town to show its
potential as the next Fire Island. Along with a
small band of friends, they decide to turn Long
Spit into a mecca for beach-loving gays, com
plete with tea dances, backroom bars and lots
of naked frolicking on the sands. The premise
is sound, but the inevitable conflicts between
the blue bloods and the blue boys are un
original and predictable.
Along the way, Storandt introduces characters
and sets up plot points that immediately disappear
or are dispensed with sSns explanation (Mike, for
instance, who is never heard from again after
Page 6). Likewise, on Page 66, we leam about the
mysterious entrance to the harbor of the yacht
Nighthawk, only finally to leam on Page 237
whose yacht it is but never why its entrance was a
secret. These are not red herring, they’re pickled
herring. Another mark of the book’s sloppiness is
a cover that promises “three lives altered by these
lycra-clad visitors,” and I can’t, for the life of me,
figure out who the three are.
The publisher promises “a comedy that’s
sure to appeal to Ijpach readers everywhere.”
However, its main beach appeal is that it’s flim
sy enough to toss as a Frisbee to your dog.
— Floyd Sklaver
G odspeed
by Lynn Breedlove.
St. Martin’s Press,
2002; $23.95
hardcover.
L
ynn Breedlove,
the lead singer/
songwriter for
the dyke punk
band Tribe 8,
takes a leap from
her energetic, in-
your-face lyrics
and lands on mostly solid footing with her
debut novel, Godspeed.
From the very beginning, she sets a racy
pace and keep« it up as the reader tags along
with Jim, a bad-ass punk bike messenger dyke
who is hopelessly in love with Ally Cat, a sex
worker who quickly tires of Jim ’s “nothing mat
ters but the rush” drug addiction.
The first half of the book goes a bit over
board with descriptions of Jim ’s various trip«,
but eventually the action keep« up with the
jaunty prose when she volunteers to go on tour
as a roadie for the all-chick band Hostile
Mucous. As the addiction fades (p>erhap« too
easily) and the band works its way across the
country, Jim starts to leam that love means
more than conquest and that friends are good
for more than just a high.
The novel’s strength lies in Breedlove’s
sharp use of language and in the fringe
dwelling characters who are full of attitude.
Though the fast pacing sometimes allows cru
cial scenes to zip by without giving the reader
much time to absorb the gravity of the events,
the depth is there. The author’s lively style
makes Godspeed a quick, fun read.
— Karen Kudej J H
P age J ordan is a community relations manager
for Barnes & Noble.
G ary M orris is a Portland free-lance uniter.
FLOYD S klaver is a Portland free-lance reviewer.
K aren K udej is program associate for Literary
Arts in Portland.
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