jnmmry 1 n Tftfl? j —t — 1^ 3
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when John and 1 were togeth
er— including his coming out,
the separation and divorce,” she
reveals. “ In fact, I am certain I
would not be as happy as I am
today if I had not had to weather
the storm with him.
including three stepchildren and two grandchil
dren, his wife, Joyce, told him she is a lesbian.
Shortly after her disclosure, Bozlee shared his
feelings with an online support group. He wrote:
“We have a choice as to how to use the tremen-
dous energy involved in dealing with this situa-
tion. We can either use it to harm one another,
destroy one another's spirits, or we can use it to
Accepting one's sexual identity sometimes
support one another. The result of the first
uxton suggests straight spouses
such as French “represent the
choice would be to tear one another apart. The
leaves a husband or wife at a loss
result of the second is to remain friends, become
untold chapter of gay liberation—
by T im oth y K rau se
the unintended devastation expe the people that we can become. We are
attempting to follow the second course.”
rienced by straight spouses and
The couple agreed to divorce but remained
families when gay, lesbian, bisexu-
al or transgender spouses break out of together until Joyce s youngest child completed
school. Meanwhile, with Bozlee’s help, she pre
their closets.” From her California office,
pared to support herself by going back to school.
she works with contacts in each state and
eight foreign countries to provide confi-
They finally parted in 2001.
“Early on, the hardest thing for me was that
dential personal support and resource
Joyce had not come out to anybody but me
information in a mission of reaching out,
and a couple online friends,” Bozlee says.
healing and building bridges.
“When we went to family events, my heart
Peer spouses validate feelings, answer
would be clogged with emotion. I was in a
questions and offer the opportunity to
closet with a secret I could not
make connections. “ In
fter 17 years of marriage,
share. I was sad, and nobody
other words,” Buxton says,
£' 1 Annie French’s husband,
"At
limes.
I
felt
dead
could know why.”
“a listening ear, strong
John, told her he is gay. At first,
Slowly, Joyce began to reveal
shoulders to bear their pain
she experienced shock, devasta
inside— nothing
her
newfound orientation to
and a box of Kleenex ready
tion and contusion.
left. Other times,
family and friends. Once she was
to absorb their tears.”
She was “sad and scared that
out, Bozlee’s initial tension was
Gil
Gunderson
ot
Port
1 was 43 years old and my life
I
felt
a
pain
relieved.
land first joined the net
course had been irrevocably
“Her coming out was a total
work in 1996, and he since
changed.” She was angry with
that was almost
ly unselfish act of kindness, he
John for nor figuring it out soon
has been designated coor
worse than losing says. “She could see 1 was suffer
dinator of its local pres
er, angry with herself for not see
ing. Our relationship was not
ence. Breaking the sense of
ing it sooner and worried about
The
O
a lovea one
working, and she knew I was
isolation is usuallv the first
how his revelation would affect
blaming myself. I thought, ‘If I
their two young sons.
step in a straight spouses
to death."
were just a better husband, a
recovery process, so he and
“A t times, 1 felt dead h i c h
—
Annie
French
better
father, a better lover, a
two others take turns facil
inside— nothing left,” French
s p q u !
better provider, a better some
itating Wednesday night
recalls. “Other times. I felt a
thing, I might somehow touch that special
meetings.
pain that was almost worse than
place in her heart that would make it all
People also want to find out what
losing a loved one to death.”
work.’ She came out to free me.”
Overcoming her own preju
others have done to heal. Eventually,
most learn how best to let each other
Joyce’s bravery and integrity were one
dices against gay men and les- ?|
reason why Bozlee has stood by her side all
bians was one significant chal- 5|
move on.
lenge French faced; explaining
this time.
“Probably the most difficult thing for
“If anything, this has made me know that
the straight spouse is that they become
the sensitive situation to the
children was another The cou-
Straight Spouse Network participates in the Millennium March
involved in whether or not the other-
love is more than sex or sexual orientation, he
pie knew right away that they on W ellington ¡n 2000
than-straight spouse is in the closet,” explains. “It is about intimacy and the sharing of
were going to get a divorce, but they also need-
and she has continued to be involved with Gunderson says. “Very few people disclose, and if the spirit.” j H
ed time to work out logistics, such as finances. 1 the organization because she hopes sharing they choose not to disclose their orientation,
then the straight spouse is kind of pulled into it.
For more information about the STRAIGHT
At first, while they received counseling, the i her experience will help others.
Today, the divorced coupie live a couple of In many cases, they've got no one to talk to.
S pouse N etwork visit the Internet sue
parents told their kids they simply were having
relationship problems. Their divorce was final
miles away from each other in Milwaukie and They can’t tell their friends. They can’t tell their wuw.ssnetwk.org or cad Gd Gunderson at
503-780-9708. Parents, Families and Friends of
two years later, and French believes the experi attend their children’s activities together. John family. So. we provide a confidential and open
visits for holidays and birthdays, and the two forum for them to talk things out."
Lesbians and Gays also offers the resource docu
ence ultimately helped the boys become
ment Opening the Straight Spouse’s Closet,
meet occasionally to catch up on each other’s
stronger and more tolerant of others.
! onrad Bozlee of Salem has experienced
which can be downloaded from www.pflag.org.
A t Joh n ’s recommendation, she began to 1 lives. Although they no longer follow a com-
attend meetings of the Straight Spouse N et mon path, French says in many ways they have
V firsthand what Gunderson describes. The
become closer.
50-year-old joined the network’s Portland chap- TIMOTHY K rause is a free-lance writer
work’s Portland chapter. There, she found a
“ I grew a tremendous amount as a person
place where people understood how she felt,
ter in 1997 when, after 10 years of marriage
m Portland.
hen a marriage breaks up
after one spouse comes out
o f the closet, separation
and divorce become more
complicated. Many unique
issues accompany the dissolution of mixed-
orientation marriages. Sexual minority spous
es face the challenge o f com ing out,
while straight spouses often feel left behind or
forgotten.
Amity Pierce Buxton, director of the
Straight Spouse Network sup
port group, researched the ex
periences of thousands of people
for her book, The Other Side of
the Closet. She says the sources
commonly experienced sexual
rejection, crisis ¡of identity, so
cial isolation, family disruption,
a sense of betrayal and deception
as well as feelings of grief, loss
and powerlessness.
W hat A bout
the S pouses ?
M ust
hi STBS
ÏST
1
i
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