_ luGS. S i
* di Aik l « u l Af
HUMOR
...............▼...............
ast month I announced a boycott on sex
with closeted celebrities— The Great
Boinking Boycott. I sent out press releases
to nearly 100 media outlets, 1 handed out
fliers, I made phone calls.
Yet practically everyone I spoke to said the
same thing: “Hell, if Tom Cruise wanted to
sleep with me, I would.” Even the lesbians.
T his m onth people from around the
world are making pilgrimages to pay tribute
to the M adonna— not G od ’s mother, the
other one. And a lot o f those men will he
the kind who check for gum on their shoes
by looking over their shoulders. Try it, and
you’ll get what I mean.
Nothing against Madonna, hut am I the
only gay guy who thinks it’s time we had a gay
icon who was, well, gay?
Sure, we’ve finally got gay celebrities—
Elton John, Nathan Lane, Rupert Everett, to
name a few— but none of these guys inspires
the kind of fanatical worship that puts gay
men on a first-name basis with their divas. I’m
a Barbra/Liza/Judy man myself, so 1 understand
the impulse. The greatest gay male icons are
women who give voice to our secret selves,* but
in much more fabulous evening wear.
It’s always been that way, it seems. Before
Bette Midler there was Bette Davis, not to
mention Marlene or Tallulah. And before any
of them, of course, was Cher, who is actually
129 years old but has had work done. Why, I’m
sure as far back as ancient Egypt, Cleopatra
probably had crowds of men in eyeliner beg
ging for her hieroglyph on their papyrus.
I’ve known gay men with 1 Love Lucy fetish
es and Mary Tyler Moore obsessions; I even
know a guy who has an entire room dedicated
as a shrine to Wilma Flintstone.
The sound of silence
L
Why aren’t gay icons gay?
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO M A RC
b y M a r c Acito
As for me, I’m sure I wouldn’t have
dropped out of college and moved to New
York City if I hadn’t grown up watching That
Girl. I was certain my life would be complete if
only I could get totally overdressed and go fly
a kite in Central Park.
I’m sorry, but That Girl must have been cre
ated by gay men. No one but a gay
man would think to dress Mario
Thomas in that floral print
number with the matching
parasol.
But when I found out
young gay men now have
chosen Titney Rears and
Crispy Ugly-era as their
divas, I thought, “This has
gotta stop!” So I came up
with The Great Boinking
Boycott as a way of
forcing closeted
celebrities out.
But even queer
people have said to
me, “Well, maybe
those celebrities aren’t ready to come out yet.”
Puh-leeze. That’s like saying someone isn’t
ready to be Chinese or have blue eyes.
Or else they say, “Maybe they don’t want
their families to know.” Don’t these people
realize that embarrassing your family is one of
the great joys of being queer?
W hat’s so bad about the public thinking a
man is gay, anyway? It just means people think
you’re too good-looking and well groomed to
be straight.
That’s why I’ve never understood those
people who say, “They happen to be gay,” as if
it were some accident, like they happened to
be at the comer of Fourth and Main when the
trolley car ran them over.
I refuse to believe my being gay was an acci
dent. I’m sure God doesn’t choose just anyone
to be queer but subjects the souls waiting to go
to earth to some very rigorous scrutiny:
“OK, you there, with the exquisite sense of
style,” God says. “Yes, you, playing the harp.
You get to be a gay man.
“And, uh, you there, with the bad haircut
and the sensible shoes,” God says. “You’re
; gonna be a straight man.”
“But I’m a woman,” the soul with the bad
haircut says.
“Oops,” God says. “My mistake. You’ll be a
lesbian.”
In fairness to lesbians (I can just imagine
the angry mail now), our queer sisters are way
ahead of us gay boys in terms of devotion to an
icon o f the same gender and orientation. First
there was Martina, then k.d., then Melissa and
now the entire W N BA . It’s just not fair.
But because no man is willing to be the first
truly gay icon, I see no other choice than to
appoint myself. T h at’s right. From now on, just
add “Marco” (first name only, please) to that
list of women’s names.
Feel free to pin all of your
unfulfilled thoughts and desires
on me. I’m here for you. I care.
Now if I just could find
something you people could
lip-sync to, I’d be set.
And that, my friends, is
T h e Gospel According to
Marc.
in
M arc A cito is accepting
resumes fo r go-go boys and
& backup singers. E-mail him
at m arcacito@ hom e.com .
ILLUSTRATION
BY KEVIN M O O R E
j u s t M 'i a
Mail or Fax your
Free Personal Ad Today!
11J
1
\
\
r
i_p
II
VOICE PERSONAL ADS
^ u n d a u s
Choose a C ategory:
O
( 3 iris’ nigl
Women Seeking Women
□ Trans
□ Just Maybe
□ Men Seeking Men
□ Bisexual
□ Groups and Organizations
□ No Labels, Please
□ Beyond Portland Metro
Headline (up to 25 characters):_______
S t a r t in g
Compose your f r e e 4 0 word ad:
A u g u s t i 5?t
ju s t out u se o n ly
W h at happens a f t e r I place my JUST FRIENDS ad ?
Rox no. _
You’ll receive an information sheet in the mail with m stm ctions on how to
reconJ your voice greeting, your private voice hox number, security code, and the date
Password
1412 5E Morrison
rVtrc rec’il
PuH. tbre
your ad will first appear in the paper and the last day your voice hox will he active.
Rem em ber You must record a voice greeting to pick up any responses to your ad.
All greetings ate screened Not permitted are last names, phone numbers, street or e-
mail addresses. J m t m u t reserves the right to reject or revise any ad or recording deemed
objectionable
I