july2ÎL2QÛL
36
HUMOR
Frisky business
“Nicole is out, you want a beer?"
“Sure, thanks a b t," I said.
“ Let’s drink 'em over here,
said Tom, as he pointed to the bed.
“You have the bluest eyes," I purred
as he rubbed me on my thigh.
“Well, you just say the word,"
said Tom. “Oh, yes, oh, yes!" said I.
I gave in to his overtures
as he pawed me like a pup,
“Come on, Tom, my ass is yours...
And that’s when 1 woke up.
Closets are for shoes, not celebrities
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by M arc Acito
L
et’s face it. When it comes to gorgeous
celebrities like Tom Cruise or Ricky Mar
tin, it’s hard to separate legitimate specula
tion from the fact that we just really, really
want these guys to be queer.
C ’mon, admit it. Remember all those
rumors back when John Travolta was as thin as
the plots of his movies? Then he, shall we say,
filled out, and now no one seems to care who
the man sleeps with.
In the case of Ricky Martin, however, 1
think our hopes are based less on his appear
ance (although he does look like he was paint
ed by Caravaggio) than on our wounded gay
pride: We just don’t want to believe a pleather-
wearing straight man could shake his bon-bon
so convincingly.
The whole Tom Cruise sex scandal, however,
intrigues me, particularly because the “Deep
Throat’’ in question is pom actor Chad Slater. Is
it just me, or have you ever noticed that Tom
Cruise sounds like a pom name invented by Chi
Chi LaRue? Consider the titles of his movies: A
Few Good Men, Top Gun, All the Right Moves,
Cocktail and, lest we forget, Losm It.
Coincidence? You decide.
I don’t know whether Tom and Chad
indulged in some risqué business or not, but I’d
be dead if I didn’t have my fantasies. I will say,
however, that vociferous denials of homosexu
ality make grown actors and actresses sound
like insufferable eighth-graders. And while I
don’t think we should drag movie stars kicking
and screaming from their California closets, I
do think it’s time queer people hit closeted
celebrities where it’ll hurt them the most—no,
not at the box office, but in bed.
That’s right, my friends, I’m calling for an
international boycott on sex with closeted celebri
ties. Let The Great Boinking Boycott begin.
Imagine if all the queers on the planet sim
ply refused to have sex with these people;
it would only be a matter of a few months ^ \V
before sweaty, pop-eyed superstars would
show up on Larry King shouting, “Yes,
yes, I admit it, I’m gay—now would some
one please come sit on my face?”
I say, let’s bring these people to their
knees— literally.
Make no mistake: I’m not suggesting we out
these dishonest dykes and prevaricating pansies.
No, no, no. I’m just saying if movie stars aren’t
mature enough to talk honestly about gay sex,
then perhaps they shouldn’t be having gay sex.
Now I realize celebrities hide their sexuality
because they’re afraid they won’t get paid as
much; I just want to make sure they don’t get
laid as much, either.
O f course, getting
the cooperation
of the prosti
tutes who serv
ice these stars
might prove
hard (pun
intended), but
just because
you’re a whore
doesn’t mean you
can’t have
scruples.
I know it won’t be easy for you homo hos, but
even if Tom Cruise comes sliding across your
floor in nothing but his sox, just remind him
of the box office receipts for Eyes Wide Shut
and watch his weenie wilt.
For the rest of you, if you’re anything like
me (and if you’re reading this column, then
you are, Blanche, you are), you’ve probably
been boycotting celebrity sex for years now and
didn’t even realize you were making a political
statement. That’s the best part about The
Great Boinking Boycott: It’s so easy! You could
be sitting around in a coat made out of six
endangered species stitched together by Viet
namese children and still think to yourself,
“Well, at least I’m not having sex with any of
those Hollywood hypocrites.”
So spread the word: If you’re going to be a
starfucker, make sure that star has come out
first.
Who wants to have sex with a closeted
celebrity, anyway? They never call you the day
after, or if they do, it’s to slap a $100 million
lawsuit on you. I don’t care if he’s a toothless
contortionist with a 14-inch penis, no sex
is worth 100 mil.
Besides, it’s a well-known fact that
gay celebs are much better in
bed. I’m sure Greg Louganis
can hold his breath way
longer than Kevin Spacey.
And that, my friends, is
The Gospel According to
Marc. j n
M a r c A c it o wants to
hear about your cebbrity sex
encounters. E-mail your
confessions to MarcAcito@home.com.
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