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Gay parents, straight kids
D ignified pet S ervices
Coming out to your children
earching for a silver lining
during the dark days of
my divorce, straight
friends offered, “At
least you didn’t
have children.” A l­
though my coming out
and subsequent divorce
were less complicated
without kids, 1 had
regrets.
When I first was
married, I couldn’t wait
to have children. My
bride was less enthusiastic,
but I was confident 1 would
!< ¿r f
win her over in time.
I gave up my dream of being
a dad the day I admitted my homo­
sexuality to myself. I knew it would be
hard enough telling my wife I was gay; I
couldn’t imagine telling my child, too.
Having kids is one o f the top reasons gay
men marry, and coming out to them is one o f the
top fears fathers face. ‘Telling my wife I was gay
was terrifying,” a friend shared, “but it paled in
comparison to telling my son his dad was a fag.”
Between 6 million and 10 million kids in
the U nited States have at least one parent who
is gay, according to Children o f Les­
bians and G ays Everywhere. How
they accept the news depends in
part on how it is presented.
Children with a gay parent say
the sooner they are told the better.
Experts say kids are less likely to
blame themselves for a divorce
when com ing out precedes the
announcem ent o f the split.
Therapists agree it’s best if both
parents are involved, even if it means
waiting until the couple become
more comfortable with homosexuali­
ty. The more assured the parent is of
his or her sexual orientation, the eas­
ier it is for kids to accept it.
BY
“Don’t let your issues become your
RANDY
child’s issues,” one gay father coun­
SIEGEL
seled. He took time to address his own
homophobia before talking to his son.
W aiting can be risky, cautioned another
parent, whose son learned o f his sexuality from
a neighbor’s child. “ If the closet door is shut,
make sure it is shut tight,” he said. “N othing is
worse than for your child to hear the news
from someone else.”
O n e father bitterly
shared, “I never even had
a chance to talk to my
kids.” H is ex-wife told his
children without his
involvement. Angry and
hurt, she used the kids as
a weapon against him.
T h e straight spouse’s
attitude plays an impor­
tant role in how children
accept the gay parent’s
sexuality. Even though
they are separating, it’s
important to m aintain a united front.
Although the straight spouse can help kids
more quickly adjust, the gay parent must bear
the biggest burden helping children cope.
Amity Pierce Buxton, author of The Other Side
of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight
Spouses and Families, suggests: “Listen to their
anger, tears and accusation without putting up
walls to defend yourself. Wipe their tears and cry
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e>4 & U FU 2, U
with them.
Show you under­
stand their anger. Explain
with confidence your new identity; don’t argue.”
Above all, tell the children that they are loved
and that their relationship with their gay father or
mother will not change. Regardless of their age,
kids crave safety and security. In fact, most experts
agree that the actual divorce has more potential
to harm a child than the disclosure of sexuality.
Methods of disclosure vary with circumstances
and parents’ communication styles. Some of my
friends told their children with their spouses.
Others did not include their spouse,
although they made sure he or she was aware of
what was taking place. Som e wrote a letter, then
followed up with a face-to-face conversation.
M any kids are afraid to ask questions for
fear of alienating their gay parent. Creating a
relaxed, intimate atmosphere in which the
child feels comfortable to ask questions helps
open the lines o f communication.
Reactions vary according to their age and
subsequent concerns. Young kids might not
totally understand the impact o f such an
announcement, while older schoolchildren
might fear classmates’ taunts.
Many worry about the gay parent. “ Having
a parent who is gay gets tougher once you
begin to realize the word ‘gay’ no longer means
‘happy,’ ” one son shared.
Most gay parents I talked with agreed patience
is key. Regardless of how much a gay parent wants
to be open, changes should be introduced slowly.
Coming out, separation, divorce, dating and the
introduction of a new partner can be overwhelm­
ing for the child if intro­
duced too fast.
With each event,
gentle, open and hon­
est communication
becomes key. “Telling
your child you are gay
is one step in a many-
step process,” a gay
father emphasized.
Finally, I asked
these fathers if they
would have had kids if
they could do it over
again. N one regretted
having children. M ost said their kids were
their greatest achievem ent and joy.
Hearing them, I couldn’t help but look back
at my marriage with some regret. A s hard as
leaving might have been, I would have been a
great dad. J H
The straight spouse’s
attitude plays an
important role in how
children accept the
gay parent’s sexuality.
Even though they
are separating, it’s
important to maintain
a united front.
R andy S iegel is a writer, trainer and coach. He
can be reached at RASW riteiQaol.com.
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