Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013, February 16, 2001, Page 38, Image 38

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et’s see, it’s been six weeks since New Year’s
Day, which means it’s been about five
weeks since I gave up on my resolutions.
Before you jump to the conclusion that I’m
lazy and undisciplined let me say for the record
that I am, in fact, lazy and undisciplined, but
that’s not why I gave up my resolutions.
No, my friends, I gave up because I realized
(as I sat on the couch finishing a bag of Oreos)
that resolutions of any kind are motivated by
the belief that we’re not good enough the way
we are and that we need to change.
Well, no more! This year I’ve decided I’m
not going to try to change myself at all.
mal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity, and it’s
I’m going to try to change other people
the life’s work of Bruce Bagemihl, Ph.D.
It weighs in at more than three pounds, which
instead.
For instance, if I could just get my partner to
is a pound more than your average Bible, I might
realize when he’s at fault, I’m sure we wouldn’t
add. (Yes, I weighed them on a postage scale
because that’s the kind of inane project that
argue nearly so much. It’s so simple, really.
monopolizes my warped little brain.)
I mean, just think about how much fun and
how much easier it’ll be to solve your friends’
In this truly remarkable study, Bagemihl
problems instead of your own. W hat’s more, we
exhaustively catalogs the homosexual behavior
can take all that internal loathing and project
of more rhan 100 species of animals. By the
it outward at the people who really deserve to
time you’re done reading about everything from
be loathed.
apes to zebras kissing, licking, sucking, rimming
My first target, of course, is Dr. Laura.
and screwing one another, you’ll be convinced
Enjoying, as I do, telling other people how to
the animal kingdom is just one big circuit party.
live their lives, I take a certain guilty pleasure in
For instance, did you know there are vari­
her radio show. But that whole “deviant” behav­
eties of chimpanzees that greet each other by
ior thing is, like, so old; homophobes have been
grabbing each other’s cocks? I ask you, how
slapping queer people around with that since
friendly is that?
“Hey, Cheetah, how’s it hangin’.7” “Grab a
Sodom and Gomorrah. Unfortunately, we’ve
never had a response that amounts to much
handful, Bonzo, and see for yourself.” “Why,
more than, "Thtop it, ya big thilly.”
don’t mind if I do, thanks.”
That is, until now.
I have half a mind to try that the next time 1
Yes, my friends, finally, finally, finally, there
go out. (Oops, I forgot, I already do. Never mind.)
is a book of our own that we can quote chapter
A nd did you know male flamingos regu­
and verse to those who insist on thumping the
larly engage in homosexual behavior? Yeah, I
Bible at us. It’s called Biological Exuberance: Ani-
know, quelle surprise, they’re practically the
Second nature
L
Thank God for gay flamingos and lesbian seagulls
THE GOSPEL
A C C O R D IN G I
TO M A R C '
b y M a r c A cito
“Birds of a
fe a th e r....”
gay national bird.
But don’t you feel better knowing we have
scientific data to back up the choice of plastic
pink flamingos as a camp garden party acces­
sory? I know I do.
It also turns out gay flamingo couples actually
make nicer nests than heterosexual pairs because
both birds contribute equally to the nest’s con­
struction, which just proves the theory that gay
men do have a genetic predisposition to having
nicer apartments and houses than heterosexuals.
I, for one, am relieved to know my partner
and I finally have the biological authority to
knock on the door of our tacky neighbors with
the horrible Christmas light display and say:
"Hi. We’re homosexuals. We can help.”
Now Dr. Laura would probably argue that just
because homosexuality occurs in nature doesn’t
mean that civilized people should succumb to it.
After all, she’d say, just because some animals eat
their young doesn’t mean humans should.
Yeah, well, I guess she’s never been stuck in
line at Target behind a cartload of sticky-faced,
wailing brats. If ever there was a moment you
wished parents could eat their offspring, that
would be it.
You simply must read for yourself how
Bagemihl proves conclusively that homosexual­
ity is not a "deviant” behavior but rather a nat­
ural variation on a heterosexual theme. And a
pretty fabulous variation at that, I might add.
So the next time some Bible-thumping
zealot starts quoting you chapter and verse, you
can pull out your copy of Biobgical Exuberance
and start thumping right back.
A nd if that doesn’t work, you can always
throw it at their heads hoping it’ll knock
some sense into them. It does weigh three
pounds, after all.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc. j n
M arc A cito nearly faded high school bwbgy
but could easily understand this book. He can be
reached at MarcAcito@home.com.
New Beginnings
the premier concert of
Confluence
The Willamete Valley
GALA Mixed Chorus
Saturday, March 3 at 8 p.m.
Unitarian Universalist Fellowship o f Corvallis
2945 NW Circle Blvd, Corvallis
and
mm,
m .
Sunday, March 4 at 4 p.m.
Unitarian Universalist Congregation o f Salem
5090 Center St. NE, Salem
For information call 541-754-4144
Email; uutunes@aol.com
Suggested Donation $10
Just South of Holgate
503 753*6374
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4510 SE 23rd • Portland, Oregon 97202
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