1V2ÛQ1 Eli i il# * # 1 E * illlI V S U V i ............. ? ............. et’s see, it’s been six weeks since New Year’s Day, which means it’s been about five weeks since I gave up on my resolutions. Before you jump to the conclusion that I’m lazy and undisciplined let me say for the record that I am, in fact, lazy and undisciplined, but that’s not why I gave up my resolutions. No, my friends, I gave up because I realized (as I sat on the couch finishing a bag of Oreos) that resolutions of any kind are motivated by the belief that we’re not good enough the way we are and that we need to change. Well, no more! This year I’ve decided I’m not going to try to change myself at all. mal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity, and it’s I’m going to try to change other people the life’s work of Bruce Bagemihl, Ph.D. It weighs in at more than three pounds, which instead. For instance, if I could just get my partner to is a pound more than your average Bible, I might realize when he’s at fault, I’m sure we wouldn’t add. (Yes, I weighed them on a postage scale because that’s the kind of inane project that argue nearly so much. It’s so simple, really. monopolizes my warped little brain.) I mean, just think about how much fun and how much easier it’ll be to solve your friends’ In this truly remarkable study, Bagemihl problems instead of your own. W hat’s more, we exhaustively catalogs the homosexual behavior can take all that internal loathing and project of more rhan 100 species of animals. By the it outward at the people who really deserve to time you’re done reading about everything from be loathed. apes to zebras kissing, licking, sucking, rimming My first target, of course, is Dr. Laura. and screwing one another, you’ll be convinced Enjoying, as I do, telling other people how to the animal kingdom is just one big circuit party. live their lives, I take a certain guilty pleasure in For instance, did you know there are vari her radio show. But that whole “deviant” behav eties of chimpanzees that greet each other by ior thing is, like, so old; homophobes have been grabbing each other’s cocks? I ask you, how slapping queer people around with that since friendly is that? “Hey, Cheetah, how’s it hangin’.7” “Grab a Sodom and Gomorrah. Unfortunately, we’ve never had a response that amounts to much handful, Bonzo, and see for yourself.” “Why, more than, "Thtop it, ya big thilly.” don’t mind if I do, thanks.” That is, until now. I have half a mind to try that the next time 1 Yes, my friends, finally, finally, finally, there go out. (Oops, I forgot, I already do. Never mind.) is a book of our own that we can quote chapter A nd did you know male flamingos regu and verse to those who insist on thumping the larly engage in homosexual behavior? Yeah, I Bible at us. It’s called Biological Exuberance: Ani- know, quelle surprise, they’re practically the Second nature L Thank God for gay flamingos and lesbian seagulls THE GOSPEL A C C O R D IN G I TO M A R C ' b y M a r c A cito “Birds of a fe a th e r....” gay national bird. But don’t you feel better knowing we have scientific data to back up the choice of plastic pink flamingos as a camp garden party acces sory? I know I do. It also turns out gay flamingo couples actually make nicer nests than heterosexual pairs because both birds contribute equally to the nest’s con struction, which just proves the theory that gay men do have a genetic predisposition to having nicer apartments and houses than heterosexuals. I, for one, am relieved to know my partner and I finally have the biological authority to knock on the door of our tacky neighbors with the horrible Christmas light display and say: "Hi. We’re homosexuals. We can help.” Now Dr. Laura would probably argue that just because homosexuality occurs in nature doesn’t mean that civilized people should succumb to it. After all, she’d say, just because some animals eat their young doesn’t mean humans should. Yeah, well, I guess she’s never been stuck in line at Target behind a cartload of sticky-faced, wailing brats. If ever there was a moment you wished parents could eat their offspring, that would be it. You simply must read for yourself how Bagemihl proves conclusively that homosexual ity is not a "deviant” behavior but rather a nat ural variation on a heterosexual theme. And a pretty fabulous variation at that, I might add. So the next time some Bible-thumping zealot starts quoting you chapter and verse, you can pull out your copy of Biobgical Exuberance and start thumping right back. A nd if that doesn’t work, you can always throw it at their heads hoping it’ll knock some sense into them. It does weigh three pounds, after all. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. j n M arc A cito nearly faded high school bwbgy but could easily understand this book. He can be reached at MarcAcito@home.com. New Beginnings the premier concert of Confluence The Willamete Valley GALA Mixed Chorus Saturday, March 3 at 8 p.m. Unitarian Universalist Fellowship o f Corvallis 2945 NW Circle Blvd, Corvallis and mm, m . Sunday, March 4 at 4 p.m. Unitarian Universalist Congregation o f Salem 5090 Center St. NE, Salem For information call 541-754-4144 Email; uutunes@aol.com Suggested Donation $10 Just South of Holgate 503 753*6374 * 4510 SE 23rd • Portland, Oregon 97202 jf . V *' I ■ v V