January 5.2001 S i l ÜJI4£ i* MOST SINCERE SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIP INVOLVING LEATHER Cast Away Tom Hanks developed more chemistry with his volleyball island buddy, Wilson, than Academy Award winners Nicolas Cage and Angelina Jolie managed to muster throughout Gone in 60 Seconds. (C ’mon, admit it: You were bawling when Hanks and Wilson were forced to part ways at sea!) MOST RELIEVARLE GENDER RENDERS Michelle Rodriguez kicked ass in Girlfight, and Jamie Bell kicked up his heels in Billy Elliot — both Oscar-worthy performances. WHERE ARE THE QUEERS? Center Stage—a decent Fame rip-off—forgot to include more than one gay character among its dance students. Yeah, right. This was the most unrealistic crew assembled since Suddenly Susan, which expected us to believe that Brooke Shields would write for a “hip” San Francisco magazine without a single co-worker who was out of the closet. K LS¥I Groovy movios and flimsy flicks With film award season in full swing, Ju st Out presents alternative statues to 2000’s cinematic blasts and bombs by STRAIGHT RELATIONSHIPS THAT WOULD MAKE ANYONE GLAD TO RE GAY The Virgin Sui­ cides and Dancer in the Dark. HERE WE GO AGAIN For some reason, the words “fag” and “dyke” returned to the big screen— not said affectionately among queers but uttered as slurs by straight characters— and nobody seemed to notice. In Bring It On, cheerleaders were called nasty names throughout. In Final Destination, a frustrated friend mouthed “fag” after Devon Sawa relinquished his airplane seat to a female student. And The 6th Day deserves an award-within-an-award for the year’s most groan-inducing one-liner: After villain Tony Goldwyn and his clone fell on top of each other, Arnold Schwarzenegger quipped, “When I told you to go fuck yourself, 1 didn’t mean for you to take it literally.” MOST GRAPHIC DISPLAY OF Alan Tudyk GENITALIA IN A MAINSTREAM MOVIE In Scary Movie, one character got impaled by a boner during an unfortunate glory hole mishap, and a transgendered P.E. teacher let it ALL hang out. REST DOCUMENTARY AROUT A GAUDY, SHIT-EATING DIVA Divine Trash brought audi­ ences behind the scenes of John Waters’ 1972 cult classic Pink Flamingos. WORST DOCUMENTARY AROUT A GOODY, SNITFACED DIVA Through the magic of revi­ sionism, The Eyes of Tammy Faye tried to transform the pill-popping fallen televange­ list into a gay icon. Whose idea was this? MOST ENTERTAINING FILMS EXPLAINING WHAT MAKES STRAIGHT GUYS TICK Fligh Fidelity and The Too of Steve. J im R adosta TITLES WITH GREATEST GAY PORN POTENTIAL Battlefield Girth, Missionary: Impossible 2, The Legend of Teabagger Vance. TAKE A SITE OUT OF CRIME Perennial coke­ Two snaps and a circle for queer Q B Kip Pardue head Robert Downey Jr. engaged in some extremely high- POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IN A risk behavior on the set of Black and White. JERRY BRUCKHEIMER FLICK? The method actor (playing a gay man) Remember the Titans, set in 1971, improvised a scene in which his character featured an unlikely hut nonetheless flirted with homophobic heavyweight Mike welcome gay quarterback nick­ Tyson (playing himself) and nearly got him­ named Sunshine. self punched out as a result. Too bad Tyson didn’t think to bite off Downey’s nose. DENIAL, DENIAL, DENIAL What was up with Kenneth REST SODOMY SCENE Branagh and Kevin Kline in The In Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, a gigantic Road to El Dorado ? Even gerbil made scientist Larry Miller his bitch. though it was just a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals cartoon, one praised the filmmakers for finally giving lab rats couldn’t help but notice a equal time. j n strange subtext between these animated fellows. MOST OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPE Alan Tudyk flamed out in Sandra Bullock’s recovery dramedy 28 Days. Say it with me now: “My name is Alan, and I’m a bad actor.” Divine Trash (above), divine inspiration (right) of prostate stimulation thanks to a fine-fingered nurse in Road Trip. IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUT THE KITSCH It was a bummer of a summer for Psycho Beach Party, which struggled to hide a lame premise— split- personality disorder causes Gidget wannabe to kill people— behind endless failed attempts at camp. MOST EFFECTIVE MJU S T SAY N O " MESSAGE In Requiem for a Dream, drug addict Jen ­ nifer Connelly sank so low she ended up putting on a lesbian fantasy show involving a two-headed dildo to make a quick buck. Where’s Nancy Reagan wheti you need her? BEST NONALIEN ANAL PROBE Seann William Scott discovered the magic The Jefferson Theater The Northwest's Premier Adult TheaterI » s » 1 • Tw o theaters with surround sound • 3 Full length features everyday in both theaters Full length male features everyday Thousands o f Video fir D V D rentals and sales 1232 SW 12th Ave Dow ntown Portland • 503.223.1846 • www.jeffersontheaterpdx.com • 18 & Older Seann William Scott