15.2QQÛ ■■ ■ . - :' ■ ^S:> ; : Label manners s>. sm Silfi What’s In a name, anyway? 1 I 3 M k ¡§g§t ff^Y,v. tbLLàiL m ■ ■ VOICE PERSONAL ADS ■■■■. I Nà>- .<■■■■:■ :' -..v-'i: W K : ' I f 1 C p Ì s . * V fp$§ ’ lÉ n N É . ■ ->■ S i • • ; '% I I j'iiS iJ ! ,i ■ 1 ìd \ ....,,:5:; ju s t r m $;: XvX tL M mm M all o r F a x your 1 ly! J^jjj r^j\ F r e e Personal A d Today! * . ...... . Box 14400. Portland, OR 97293-0400 Fax (503) 236-1257 IVOICE PERSONAL ADS Choose a Category: □ Women Seeking Women □ Men Seeking Men □ Trans □ Groups and Organizations □ J u s t Maybe Headline (up to 25 characters):_______ □ Bisexual □ No Labels, Please □ Beyond Portland M etro S t a n p a r p A b b r e v ia t io n s B - B LA C K W Compose your fre e 5 0 word ad: - W HITE H - H is p a n ic A s ia n - A N - N a t iv e A m e r ic a n j - J e w is h C - C h r is t ia n F - FEM ALE M - M ALE LTR - LO N G -T E R M RELATIO NSHIP S - SINGLE ST D -S E X U A L L Y T R A N S M IT T E O PISEASE TS TV j u s t o u t u s e o n ly - TRANSSEXUAL - T R AN SV ESTITE W h at happens a fte r I place my JDST FRIENDS ad? You’ll receive an information sheet in the mail with instructions on how to record your voice greeting, your private voice hox number, security code, and the date your ad will first appear in the paper and the last day your voice hox will he active. Remember: You must record a voice greeting to pick up any responses to your ad. A ll greetings are screened. N ot permitted are last names, phone numbers, street or e- mail addresses. | M t M t reserves the right to reject or revise any ad or recording deemed objectionable slept with a guy in college who insisted he wasn’t gay. “1 won’t be defined hy society’s narrow labels,” he proclaimed. This from a guy with Ralph Lauren on his chest, Gucci on his feet and Calvin Klein in his pants. I felt like 1 was at a designer orgy. The trend continues today. Recently, some one younger than I informed me he’s not gay, he’s “queer-identified.” “My sexuality is something I do,” he says, “not who 1 am.” Following that reasoning, and in the inter est of being more specific, I suggested he simply identify himself as a “cocksucker” then. Or, as the case may tie, perhaps “pillow biter” or “manhole inspector” or, my personal favorite, “rimadonna.” The gay press seems to be spending a lot of time trying to figure out just what to call lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders and, of course, lest we forget, the “questioning.” (Is it just me, or are we so hard up for numbers that we’ve got to include the question ing, too? I say let’s just leave these poor souls alone and let them make up their minds, for G od’s sake.) In the interest of brevity, I suppose we can always use the abbreviation LGBT, hut that to me sounds a little too much like a deli order: “I’ll have the L G B T on rye with mayo to g o ....” I suppose “queer” works as a good catchall for anyone not straight (let’s not forget the questioning!), hut to me “queer” still means “weird,” whereas “gay” means “happy,” as in “Tra-la, it’s gay, the lusty month of May.” I’m reminded of all those reli gious wackos who stand on street comers screaming, 1 ve never seen a happy gay person!” Obviously, they’ve never been to a Bette Midler concert. And what are we supposed to call our sig nificant others? Like some of you out there, I’m old enough to remember when our “lovers” became our “partners,” but I must’ve missed the memo when our "partners” became our “life partners.” It’s not that I’m against lifetime commit ment— quite the contrary— my partner and I have been together 14 squabble-filled years. But to call him my “life partner” just sounds so dreary, y’know, as in “life insurance” or, worse, “life sentence.” Frankly, people, I think we’ve lost our edge. Instead of the buttoned-down respectability of “life partner,” I suggest we start using a far more vivid sobriquet: “fuck- mate.” Just try using it at your next church coffee hour, and you’ll see how much fun it is: “Good morning, Pastor, I’m Betty and this is my fuckmate, Lind a....” W h at’s more, every time you hear a straight person say "wife” or “husband," you THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARC by Marc Acito can just imagine they’re saying “fuckm ate,” too. I guarantee you’ll laugh all day long, particularly when you’re stuck talking with that particularly annoying brand o f married women who go on and on about “my hus band, this” and “my husband th at” as if the poor slob were dead instead o f just wishing he were. But there’s simply no keeping up with gay terminology these days. New subgroups abound. Can anyone tell me, for instance, what a “pansexual” is? I’m inclined to think it’s a per son who gets off on Teflon, but I can’t b e sure. So, as a service to you, dear readers, I’ve compiled a list of terms in hopes of— ahem— straightening out the controversy regarding labels: • Byesexual: Someone who has sex with you once and then leaves. • Try sexual: Someone who’s impotent. • Quadrisexual: Som e one who can box in your ears with his thighs. Pentasexual: Someone who only has sex to get out pent-up aggression. Sexasexual: The lucky soul on the receiving end of the pentasexual. • Septasexual: Someone who smells like a septic tank. ILLUSTRATION BY KEVIN MOORE • Octosexual: Someone who’s all hands. • Nonsexual: Pat Buchanan. • Decasexuah 10 inches. (Definitely not Pat Buchanan.) • Drysexual: Someone without lubricant. • Whysexual: The trick you wish you hadn’t brought home. • Liesexual: “O f course I’ve been faithful, dear.” • Ho-ho-homosexual: Someone who only comes once a year. • Ho-humosexual: That person’s partner. • Promosexual: Someone who brags about their prowess in bed. Gay, queer...call yourself whatever you wish, but personally I’d rather be known as a Slo-mosexual. T h at’s someone who takes a good, long time. And that, my friends, is The Gospel According to Marc. in can be reached at M arc A cito@ hom e .com . C all him what you want, just don’t call him late for dinner. M arc A c ito