Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013, December 15, 2000, Page 46, Image 46

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slept with a guy in college who insisted he
wasn’t gay. “1 won’t be defined hy society’s
narrow labels,” he proclaimed.
This from a guy with Ralph Lauren on
his chest, Gucci on his feet and Calvin Klein
in his pants. I felt like 1 was at a designer orgy.
The trend continues today. Recently, some­
one younger than I informed me he’s not gay,
he’s “queer-identified.”
“My sexuality is something I do,” he says,
“not who 1 am.”
Following that reasoning, and in the inter­
est of being more specific, I suggested he simply
identify himself as a “cocksucker” then. Or, as
the case may tie, perhaps “pillow biter” or
“manhole inspector” or, my personal favorite,
“rimadonna.”
The gay press seems to be spending a lot
of time trying to figure out just what to call
lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders and, of
course, lest we forget, the “questioning.” (Is it
just me, or are we so hard up for numbers
that we’ve got to include the question­
ing, too? I say let’s just leave
these poor souls alone and
let them make up their
minds, for G od’s sake.)
In the interest of
brevity, I suppose we
can always use the
abbreviation LGBT,
hut that to me sounds
a little too much like a
deli order: “I’ll have the
L G B T on rye with mayo
to g o ....”
I suppose “queer” works as
a good catchall for anyone not
straight (let’s not forget the
questioning!), hut to me “queer”
still means “weird,” whereas “gay”
means “happy,” as in “Tra-la, it’s
gay, the lusty
month of May.”
I’m reminded of
all those reli­
gious wackos
who stand on
street comers
screaming,
1 ve never
seen a happy gay
person!” Obviously, they’ve never been to a
Bette Midler concert.
And what are we supposed to call our sig­
nificant others? Like some of you out there, I’m
old enough to remember when our “lovers”
became our “partners,” but I must’ve missed
the memo when our "partners” became our
“life partners.”
It’s not that I’m against lifetime commit­
ment— quite the contrary— my partner and I
have been together 14 squabble-filled years.
But to call him my “life partner” just sounds so
dreary, y’know, as in “life insurance” or, worse,
“life sentence.”
Frankly, people, I think we’ve lost our
edge. Instead of the buttoned-down
respectability of “life partner,” I suggest we
start using a far more vivid sobriquet: “fuck-
mate.” Just try using it at your next church
coffee hour, and you’ll see how much fun it is:
“Good morning, Pastor, I’m Betty and this is
my fuckmate, Lind a....”
W h at’s more, every time you hear a
straight person say "wife” or “husband," you
THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING
TO MARC
by Marc Acito
can just imagine they’re saying “fuckm ate,”
too. I guarantee you’ll laugh all day long,
particularly when you’re stuck talking with
that particularly annoying brand o f married
women who go on and on about “my hus­
band, this” and “my husband th at” as if the
poor slob were dead instead o f just wishing
he were.
But there’s simply no keeping up with gay
terminology these days. New subgroups abound.
Can anyone tell me, for instance, what a
“pansexual” is? I’m inclined to think it’s a per­
son who gets off on Teflon, but I can’t b e sure.
So, as a service to you, dear readers, I’ve
compiled a list of terms in hopes
of— ahem— straightening out
the controversy regarding
labels:
• Byesexual: Someone
who has sex with you
once and then leaves.
• Try sexual: Someone
who’s impotent.
• Quadrisexual: Som e­
one who can box in your
ears with his thighs.
Pentasexual: Someone
who only has sex to get out
pent-up aggression.
Sexasexual: The lucky
soul on the receiving end of
the pentasexual.
• Septasexual: Someone who
smells like a septic tank.
ILLUSTRATION BY KEVIN MOORE
• Octosexual: Someone who’s all hands.
• Nonsexual: Pat Buchanan.
• Decasexuah 10 inches. (Definitely not
Pat Buchanan.)
• Drysexual: Someone without lubricant.
• Whysexual: The trick you wish you
hadn’t brought home.
• Liesexual: “O f course I’ve been faithful,
dear.”
• Ho-ho-homosexual: Someone who only
comes once a year.
• Ho-humosexual: That person’s partner.
• Promosexual: Someone who brags about
their prowess in bed.
Gay, queer...call yourself whatever you
wish, but personally I’d rather be known as a
Slo-mosexual. T h at’s someone who takes a
good, long time.
And that, my friends, is The Gospel
According to Marc.
in
can be reached at
M arc A cito@ hom e .com . C all him what you want,
just don’t call him late for dinner.
M
arc
A
c ito