October 20.2000 » Ju s t out. j 3
bm;t civici mews
Continued from Page 1
They have different skin color and are a decade
and a half apart in age. Still, they are brothers.
They also have a sister, Connie. Josh, Alex and
Connie have two female parents, Bonnie and Sara.
The women have been together for 23 years.
They now have two grandchildren.
Josh was horn to Sara. He calls his other
mom Bonnie.
His dad died when he was little. He has two
daughters.
Bonnie initially raised Connie with another
partner. Later, Bonnie and Sara raised Connie
together. Bonnie finally adopted Connie when
she turned 18.
Alex came later. He is the baby of the family.
Bonnie is “mom.” She had Alex with the
donation of “genetic material” from a friend.
He’s “dad.” Sara is his “parent.”
But Alex says he is equally close to both
women. His dad is also his parent, although he
doesn’t have the same relationship with him
that he does with the two women. He has three
parents, he says.
Did you know most families in the United
States aren’t mom, dad and biological children,
Bonnie asks with a grin as she explains the ins
and outs of how this family came to be.
A
production crew of three— complete with
camera, sound and an assistant producer—
flew to Portland in early September to shoot
three days’ worth of video of the family. They
took ftxitage of the house, Sara’s 60th birthday
party and Alex bowling with his girlfriend,
Shayna, at Hollywood Bowl.
They later visited Alex at school and going out
to lunch with friends. They followed Josh jogging
and playing tennis with his girlfriend at Alberta
Barbara Walters interviews Josh Graham (left) and Alex Tinker for an upcoming 2 0 /2 0 expose
Public Park. Later, the cameras visited him at work.
The moms were interviewed at home. The
crew wanted family photographs to help tell the
story: framed, baby, youth, with moms and fam
ily history pics.
And then the crew caught something his
toric on videotape when they followed Bonnie
and Sara to Portland’s City Hall, where the cou
ple joined in the “1,000 Years of Commitment”
reception. The women, who have shared more
than two decades with each other and their
children, finally got a piece of paper from the
government acknowledging their relation
ship— and indirectly their entire family.
of snapshots for souvenirs.
But Walters didn’t intimidate Alex. In fact,
he didn’t seem very impressed.
“Not at all. Nothing new,” Alex says about
the questions Walters posed. “I don’t think there
are more questions left to ask. Everyone has
pretty much covered the bases.”
lex and Josh are not new to the media.
¿ A They list features in U.S. News and World
Report and Marie Claire as well as a couple of
appearances on the syndicated talk show Ricki
Lake among their credits.
Connie is shy, though. She agreed to let
20/20 take just one shot of her and did not grant
an interview.
Bonnie Tinker is more comfortable talking to
the media because she is a longtime gay family
advocate. She serves as executive director of Love
Makes a Family, a Portland-based nonprofit.
A
month later, Alex and Josh traveled to
New York City to be interviewed by Bar
bara Walters— the most famous interviewer in
the country, if not the world. She talked to them
for more than 40 minutes and allowed a couple
Tinker says many media outlets can’t find
older kids who will talk about their experience
being raised by a same-sex couple. She says 33-
year-old Josh might be one of the oldest “kids”
raised by lesbians to tell his story.
Tinker thinks this is important, although she
always leaves the decision up to her three chil
dren. She and Sara hope the experience will
promote healing for their kids.
“Each of them has had something that has
happened to them,” Tinker explains. “They’ve
been hurt in some deep ways.”
Tinker also hopes viewers will have a clearer
picture of some of the challenges faced both by
gay and lesbian parents and their children. She
says the media tend to focus on babies and new
gay parents who are young and optimistic.
Tinker says many of those having children
have the money to build a supportive and pro
tective environment for their children. She says
the coverage, which often focuses on celebrities
and wealthy gay families, looks easier for chil
dren than it really is.
Tinker says protecting kids from homopho
bia is impossible. “It is a factor you will have to
deal with,” she warns those optimistic and
younger parents.
Sharing the story of being raised by gay par
ents has value to Alex. He does it because he
hopes it will help make life different for kids
bom to gay parents today.
“In 16 years, I hope this won’t be an issue,”
A lex says. “It will be normal— or way closer
to
u." jn
The 20/20 expose will air in November or
February. Check local listings.
JONATHAN Kirp is a Just Out staff reporter
who can be reached at jkipp@ teleport.cim .
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