one
One
Sticking with one man is not most gay guys’ forte,
but here are a few words in defense of monogamy
’ve been thinking about cheating on my
lover.
I
I’ve been thinking about it since the
night a few weeks ago when I was at a cock
tail party without him and someone I was chat
ting with said, “So, which of these boys will
you be going home with tonight?”
“None of them,” I said. “I have a
boyfriend.”
My acquaintance chuckled. “So
said, “but what does that have to
do with anything?”
When 1 explained that Dave
and I are monogamous, I was met
with a bewildered expression. My
friend looked at me as if he were
face to face with the last remain
ing dodo bird and wasn’t quite
sure if he believed it was still
breathing. I think he thought I
was kidding.
But I wasn’t. And that seems
to bother people. I’ve noticed
that whenever the issue of
monogamy comes up in conver
sation, people get a little edgy.
Tell them that you and
your lover are faith
ful, and they start
trying to prove
that you’re
lying. It’s
BY
like being
MICHAEL
audited by
THOMAS
the IRS.
Suddenly
FORO
everything
is suspect,
and you’re
expected to come up with
receipts and canceled
checks as evidence to support
your claim.
Monogamy as aberrant behav
ior is something I never really consid
ered. I’ve just always been wired that way.
But apparently a lot of my gay brothers aren’t.
The more I talk to my friends, both in and out
of relationships, the more I discover that a life
time of sex with one person isn’t everyone’s
idea of a good time. For many of the men I
know, it’s more like a death sentence.
I find this attitude a little baffling. I have a
friend who has an amazing body, primarily
because all he eats is salad and tuna. He often
longs to give in and have an ice cream sundae
or pizza dripping with cheese, but he never
does it. When I asked him once why he won’t
indulge, even a tiny bit, he said, “I’d rather
have perfect abs than enjoy a few seconds of
pleasure and have to work it off later.”
This same friend finds it impossible to
remain faithful to a lover. No sooner has he
found a man he says he loves than he’s off
tricking with someone else. He sees no irony in
this. In fact, he once asked me, “How can you
have sex with the same guy over and over.
Don’t you ever want to try something differ
ent?”
“I’d rather know that my lover and I share
something truly special than enjoy a few sec
onds of pleasure that don’t mean anything with
someone else,” I said, remembering his answer
to me.
He didn’t get it. In his mind, giving up
foods he might enjoy and even crave in
exchange for a good body is worth it. But he’s
not willing to trade the momentary pleasure he
gets when he has sex with someone other than
his lover in order to strengthen his relation
ship. At the same time, he wonders why his
relationships never last more than six months.
Now, I’m not foolish enough to believe that
monogamy is for everyone. I’m not even sug
gesting it’s for a lot of people. But I do think it
gets a bad rap in the queer community, espe
cially among gay men, and I’m a little tired of
that. Over and over, I’ve heard people talk
do about
I,” he how liberating nonmonogamy is and
how stifling and antiquated the notion of
fidelity is.
Perhaps it is old-fashioned. Maybe that’s
why I like it. I like the idea of growing old with
one man and knowing that he’s the only one
for me in every way. I think there’s something
really special about
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agreeing to reserve intimacy for a
partner, something that’s diminished when
those intimacies are shared. I like seeing Dave
across a room filled with people and knowing
that if I walk up and slip my hand into his he’ll
hold it, and that he wouldn’t do that for any
one else.
I’ve been told by various people concerned
for my well-being that my feelings about this
are based on insecurities. I’ve been told I don’t
know the difference between sex and love. I’ve
been told that I’ve bought into the heterosexu
al fallacy. And I’ve been told that I’ll change
my mind after a few years of married life.
Maybe I will. After all, as I said, I’ve been
thinking about cheating on Dave. Really, it’s
not that hard. Sexual arousal is an easy trick to
master, and it’s not too difficult imagining
myself in bed with, say, Ricky Martin or any of
various Boston Bruins. In fact, it can be a lot of
fun to think about such things.
But Ricky, hot as he is, fades from memory
as soon as I’ve gotten off. And the Bruins, well,
they make better fantasy material than hus
bands. I’ll stick with the man I’ve got. The
truth is, there are generally a lot of guys who
will have sex with you, but finding one who
wants to hold your hand is worth a whole lot
more.
■ M ichael T homas F ord « the Lambda Liter'
ary Award ■umning author of Alec Baldwin
Doesn’t Love Me and That’s Mr. Faggot to You.
He can be reached at Shopiltee&aol.com.
This position is for an office manager/ sales assistant with a
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ing assistance to sales staff. This is a full-time job with occa
sional evening and weekend requirements. A car is required.
Hourly wage based upon experience and skill levels. Benefits
available.
Mail or e-mail resumes to:
Marty Davis
justMUfl
P.O. Box 14400
Portland, Oregon 97293-0400
marty@j ustout.com