“ *35
COMEDY
nyone who can make her recent hys
terectomy hinny can probably find
humor anywhere. Judging from her new
CD, I ’m Not Cindy Brady, Suzanne West-
finds humor all over the country.
On April 7, she’ll bring her show of the
e name to the Aladdin Theater in Portland
a fund-raiser for Equity Foundation. Then,
April 8, she heads down to Eugene, which
e mentions on her recording as the place
ere she was once accosted by a posse of les-
Ja n s who had heard she’d gone straight.
“I’m like, ‘O oooooh!’ ” she says with a sneer.
So not true! T he only thing bi about her
P that she’s “mid-bi-coastal,” living in Los
■ngeles most of the year and spending sum-
liers and holidays with Annie, her girlfriend of
I :ven years, in— of all places— Columbus,
)hio.
When I imply that this sounds like an off-
I ie-queer-beaten-path place to land, Westen-
Defer is quick to defend her second home. She
Dints out that there are 2 million people in
olumbus and 25 gay bars and restaurants—
et it’s still very homey”— though she's unable
identify how her time in Ohio has affected
er act.
One obvious way is that her very down-to-
e-earth-of-middle-America partner grounds
er and is fodder for her routines. O n her new
cording, Westenhoefer talks about how dif-
rent she is from Annie: “I’m a little hyper,
nd my girlfriend has two speeds— on, off.
at’s it.... She’s so slow you can’t follow her
I ipstairs, ’cause you’ll just fall right back down.”
And though she says Annie doesn’t like it
vhen she talks about the butch-femme aspects
)f their life, Westenhoefer is sure of her own
identity: “I’m so femme, I’m fag— crossed right
pver!”
As evidence of her partner’s many butch
traits, Westenhoefer trips on Annie’s love of
Home Depot: “They ought to call it the Homo
Depot— any Sunday afternoon it’s dykes on
íce.”
No surprise, the superfemme comedian fails
fy see the appeal.
“I’m like a 6-year-old in the bank at
fdome Depot,” she jokes.
Then she expands on A nnie’s
ftandiness: “My girlfriend believes
there’s no problem on the planet that
can’t be solved with a little duct tape.”
However, Westenhoefer has no trou
ble understanding the appeal of Martha
¡Stewart.
“I think she’s freakin’ hot— I have a bad
case on Martha Stewart,” she reveals on her
CD. “I think she’s a great big tramp-in-from-
the-garden-with-her-boots-still-on, throw-you-
across-the-bed, make-you-call-her-daddy dyke
top."
When asked how much truth there is in her
|stories, Westenhoefer says plenty.
“To my girlfriend, it’s all exaggerated,” shé
[says. “To me, it’s all true.”
Does Annie ever get ticked at having their
life dished out in comedy clubs across the
nation? Every once in a while, Westenhoefer
says, something potentially embarrassing will
happen and Annie will decree absolutely: “Do
not use that onstage.”
Imp that she is, Westenhoefer admits that
‘half the time I still have to use it, because it’s
going to be brilliant.”
A perfect example of that rebelliousness is
the last cut on the CD , which revolves around
their menagerie.
“We have animals, of course, because we’re
lesbians," she explains, though she makes it
Idear that the two cats and two dogs are really
¡all Annie’s.
A careful observer, Westenhoefer jokes that
cats are the little bulimics of the animal
Frighteningly
funny
Chatting with lesbian
comic' Suzanne
Westenhoefer
about her new CD
and her trip
to Oregon
by
O riana G reen
j
I
I
“I
was a lesbian first.
I never came out ,
and that makes me
somehow scarier in
the entertainment
business."
—Suzanne Westenhoefer
--W lftfe
K
v.
" m m .,.
vüí
. ¿ i."
------—*«*e*i*«*“
■
world.”
Which leads to a
funny bit about the classic
conflict over where the animals
sleep at night— in bed with them or not. In the
inspired finale of the CD, the comic takes us
under the blanket with her where she is busy
pleasuring her honey when one of the cats
turns up there too.
When I suggest that Annie must be a
world-class good sport, Westenhoefer says that’s
not it.
“She really feels OK about who she is in the
world,” the suddenly serious funny girl
explains.
And about that surgery— comedic vocabu
lary comes full circle in the body of Suzanne
Westenhoefer. Though she may well induce
hysterics— fits of uncontrolled laughter— in her
audience, that she can do so while dis
coursing on the subject of her recent hys
terectomy is the mark of a skilled come
dian. The irony is that both words
come from hystera, Greek for womb,
and that hysteria derives from the
ancient notion that women were
hysterical— that is, emotionally
unhinged— more often than men.
In her act, Westenhoefer has a gay old time
telling about the woman who arrivecTin her
hospital room to shave her for surgery. Westen
hoefer quips that she’d kinda like a cocktail
first, then asks the aide if this approach has
worked with other women. What follows is
indeed a hysterical riff on the follies of pubic
shaving.
On the road for 100 club dates a year, West
enhoefer hasn’t had too many problems as an
out comic, though she does refer to a recent
trio of stops in Boise, Idaho; Wichita, Kans.;
and Fayetteville, Ark., as “the militia tour.”
On her CD she trumps Pat Robertson’s
claim that all the recent natural disasters in
Rorida are a result of Gay Days at Disney
World. OK, fine, she says, “Don’t fuck with
us— we’ll ruin Kansas! We have the power!”
Her material is constantly evolving.
“I do an entirely new show every 12 to 16
months," she says, explaining that her shows in
Oregon will include pieces from her new CD
and other fresh materia 1.
Westenhoefer has a strong connection to
Portland, since her agent, local lesbian Tam
Martin, is based here. Following her heart and
a woman, Martin moved her Beachfront Pro
ductions up here from Long Beach, Calif.,
eight years ago.
Always out since she began performing in
1990, Westenhoefer doesn’t think of herself as
a comic who’s gay, but as a lesbian comic.
“I chose to make that part of what I’m
doing,” she says, adding that she does think it
has slowed down her acting career.
Part of that she attributes to narrow think
ing in Hollywood: “We already have a blonde
lesbian comic”— pause, aside: “Bitch thinks she
invented it.”
Westenhoefer is taking acting classes and
working on writing and developing her own
sitcom. Does she want to play Suzanne, gay girl
comic?
“No, I’ll be Suzanne, the femmy dyke bar
tender, which is what I used to do at Hooli-
hjin’s in Secaucus, New Jersey,” she explains,
figuring that setup will offer more comic possi
bilities.
She does go out on lots of auditions, just
like every other wannabe actress in Hollywood,
but she finds so many lesbian roles are stereo
typed. Her real fantasy? “I want Letterman’s
job,” she says without hesitation.
W hich is ironic, since she can’t even get on
his show. Even though Westenhoefer has had
her own H BO special and appeared on plenty
of other shows, David Letterman and Jay Leno
resist an out gay comic. “We don’t use theme
comics,” Dave’s people tell her.
“I was a lesbian first; I never came out, and
that makes me somehow scarier in the enter
tainment business,” Westenhoefer asserts. “We
are way more fascinated with people who
might be gay or who have come out.”
Another irony is how she looks. She’s cer
tainly not an in-your-face, buzz-cut butch in
boots. She could, in fact, pass for hetero in any
role.
Finally, I get up my nerve to ask this brash
babe a pointed question. One day recently,
when Westenhoefer’s new glam photos arrived
in the Just Out offices, many staffers were con
vinced she’d gone under the knife in pursuit of
a finer face. Blaming it all on the most
adamant staff member, News Editor Inga
Sorensen, I asked Westenhoefer if she’d had
some work done. She was so astonished at the
question that she called out to Annie to share
the question with her.
After a hearty laugh, Westenhoefer replied:
“First of all, I’m way too young to have plastic
surgery. Besides, I’m so not OK about pain.”
W hen I mentioned that Sorensen is herself
an attractive femme with long blonde tresses,
Westenhoefer figured out the truth of the mat
ter: “Tell your news editor she’s a jealous fuck! •
I’m gonna kick her ass when 1 get out to Port
land!”
So, Inga, you might not want to sit in the
front row— Suzanne Westenhoefer is definitely
not Cindy Brady.
■ S uzanne W estenhoefer performs I’m Not
Cindy Brady at 8 p.m . April 7 at the Aladdin
Theater in Portland, then heads to Eugene on
April 8 to perform at the Wild Duck. Tickets cost
$18 in advance or $20 at the door; they’re avail
able from It’s My Pleasure and TicketM aster in
Portland, M other Kali's and Fastixx in Eugene.
O riana G reen would love to see W estenhoe
fer 20 feet tallón the silver screen and is inspired to
write a screenplay fo r her. She is also the Enter
tainment Editor o f Just Out and can be reached at
onand@justout. com .
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