27
B o o t l e * o-€ ^Joy
Com tinued from P age 25
60.000 children in foster care.) More than
100.000 of these children are awaiting adop
tion, according to the national headquarters of
the ACLU. The last available statistics show
that there were qualified adoptive parents for
only 20 percent of these children.
Jonathan Kipp helps his son with homework
Some activists worry that with gay and les
bian families steadily increasing, more and
more states will consider legislation to curtail
the growth.
Daniel Dale and Michael Byerley didn’t
realize they could be foster parents three years
ago.
“W hen I found out different, I realized I’m
young enough to still be a parent. It is some
thing I’ve always wanted to do,” Dale says.
Early on, Dale and Byerley wanted to find
support from other gay and lesbian foster par
ents, so they started Rainbow FLAG S, a group
for sexual minority foster and adoptive parents.
W hile most foster parents do not adopt
their foster children, the two men are currently
adopting two unrelated foster sons. Both are
teen-agers and have lingered in the foster care
system for years; they’ve been with Dale and
Beyerley for nearly three years.
Dale says the state supports the idea of sexu
al minority foster and adoptive parents on
paper, but the real world presents real obstacles.
He is working for change around these chal
lenges but remains focused on his boys and the
daily difficulties they face.
“To know that they can always be excited
about better things coming is the best thing
about being a parent,” Dale explains.
[Editor's note: Sadly, M ichael Beyerley passed
away on March 29, but Dan Dale plans to contin
ue to pursue the adoption o f their foster children.]
ecause of the national crisis of chil
dren lingering in foster care, adoption
and fostering policies have become
increasingly inclusive. In many states, includ
ing Oregon, being gay or lesbian does not pre
clude one from becoming a foster or adoptive
parent, though some private agencies still will
not work with sexual minorities.
W hile several public and private agencies
will work with gay men and lesbians, most do
not advertise this fact. Recently, however, one
local adoption agency did just that. Open
Adoption & Family Services Inc. was featured
in The Oregonian last year and revealed that it
welcomes gay and lesbian applicants.
A t about the same time, sex columnist Dan
Savage released his book The Kid: What H ap
pened A fter My Boyfriend and l Decided to G o
G et Pregnant. The book chronicles Savage and
his partners odyssey into the world of infant
adoption. The experience seems to resonate
with a growing number of post twenty-some
thing gay men who are pondering a childless
future, as did Savage.
“At about age 3 0 ,1 began to contemplate
my impending middle age with a degree of hor
ror,” Savage writes. “What was I going to do for
the next 40 or 50 years? It didn’t take me long
to conclude I would need more in my life than
money and men. 1 would want something
meaningful to do with my free time, something
besides traveling the world collecting Fiesta
Ware and intestinal parasites.”
B
fa*o'i\y L i i c
hildren change lives, and family life
will never be the same. Newborn
twins, a curious 8-year-old, a rebellious
teen, an adult child visiting on the weekends
with a baby of her own— being a parent
changes everything.
For one local activist, becoming a grandpar
ent was one of parenting’s greatest payoffs.
“We love it!” says Bonnie Tinker, grand
mother and founder of LoVe Makes a Family.
Tinker says she sees that the community has
more and more grandparents every day, and she
believes it is important to be working with the
grandchildren. She worries that youngsters are
getting all the same anti-gay messages children
received in the past and that they have to
learn to deal with the conflict of loving their
grandparents and hearing the way others talk
about them.
C
GROUPS
L esbian and G ay P arenting G roup for parents of children
ages 0 to 3 years, meets the second Saturday of each month
in Eugene. (541) 346-4239
S exual M inority P arents A dvisory G roup advises Port
land Public Schools. P.O. Box 5163, Portland, O R 97208;
SMPAG@teleport.com; (503) 471-1522
(See “Parents, Politics and Pals” on Page 41 for additional
groups.)
a d o p t io n
O pen A doption & F amily S ervices I nc . 5200 S.W.
Macadam Ave., Suite 250, Portland, O R 97201;
www.openadoption.com; (503) 226-4870
“We miss him during the
day,” Gores admits, reaching
over to grab Eggum’s hand.
Ov/T
Public
art of what makes par
enting unique and extra
challenging for gay men
P | and lesbians is not what hap
pens in their homes but what
occurs out in the world. For
some gay parents, being in pub
lic gives rise to strange looks or
unwelcome comments.
Lesbian, grandmother and activist Bonnie Tinker
“Where’s mommy today?
Are you on your way to
“1 often introduce myself as a grandmother,
mommy’s house? Are your baby-sitters taking
because I think it is important in the commu
good care of you for mommy? Did these two
nity for us to be visible,” remarks Tinker, who
boys steal you from your mommy? Whose baby
parents three children with her longtime part
are you.7” Savage writes, acknowledging that he
ner.
and his partner expect to be answering these
The search for balance between work and
questions for the rest of their lives.
family exists for sexual minority parents as it
Society is not entirely comfortable with
does for all parents. After the birth of her son,
men caring for children. Just ask any stay-at-
Gores planned that she would take her son to
home dad with a breadwinning wife. Gay men
work with her. She converted the conference
looking to have children may have some diffi
culty escaping the societal myth that gay men
m molest children. But study after study has con-
2 eluded otherwise. An ACLU report says “a
| child’s risk of being molested by his or her rela-
| tive’s heterosexual partner is over 100 times
o greater than by someone who might be identi-
i fiable as being homosexual, lesbian or bisexu
al.” The report also states that heterosexual
males commit 90 percent of all child abuse
(including sexual abuse).
John Toles, now a part-time parent since
divorcing his longtime partner, says he and his
former partner used to get “interesting looks”
when they would walk in public with their
young son between them. Toles would often
explain to people who asked that he wasn’t the
dad but the boy’s dad’s partner.
Adding to the unpredictability of what can
happen is that children, in fact, are often very
unpredictable.
Buonocore s youngest daughter processes
her thoughts verbally, he says.
“Sometimes she’ll introduce me as gay.
‘This is my dad— he’s gay,’ ” he laughs, telling
the story of his introduction to his daughter’s
Sunday school teacher.
For some, being out and about only brings
positive interactions.
Michael Buonocore has chores aplenty as a dad
“We haven’t had any nasty stares,” Eggum
says. “In fact, people walk up to us and com
room in her high-rise office space into a nurs
ment about what a beautiful child he is.”
ery. At first it was great, she says, but soon
Gores found she was putting her clients on
■ JONATHAN K ipp is a Portland-based free-lance
hold to respond to her baby’s cries. Since then,
writer. H e and his partner have a 16-year-old fo s
Gores (“mama”) and Eggum (“yumma,” which
ter son and are diligendy working on expanding
is Arabic for mother) have hired a full-time
their family via surrogacy and open adoption. You
nanny, and Eggum has cut back her hours at
can reach him at jkipp@ teleport.com .
the office.
S tate O f O regon , O ffice for S ervices to C hildren and
F amilies . (800) 331-0503
INFERTILITY AND SURROGACY
O regon H ealth S ciences U niversity , F ertility C onsul
tants . 1750 S.W. Harbor Way, Suite 100, Portland, O R
9 7 2 0 1 .(5 0 3 )4 1 8 -3 7 0 0
P ortland C enter for R eproductive M edicine .
2222 N.W. Lovejoy St., Suite 404, Portland, O R 97209.
(503) 274-4994
N orthwest S urrogacy C enter . 950 Lloyd Center, Suite
54, Portland, O R 97232. www.adoptionnorthwest.com/sur-
rogacy.html; (503) 233-2818
P
•ri "
PUBLICATIONS
A lternative F amily magazine, www.altfammag.com/
INTERNET RESOURCES
F amily P ride C oalition , www.familypride.org
T he L esbian M om ’ s W eb P age .
www.lesbian.org/moms/index.htm
G ay and L esbian F amily V alues .
www.angelftre.com/co/GayFarnilyValues/index.html
P rospective Q ueer P arents . www.geocities.com/WestHol-
lywood/3373/
P arenting O nline , www.parentingonline.com