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Com tinued from Page 23
The couple plans on using the same sperm
donor, a multilingual scientist at a prestigious
university, to have another baby at the end of
this year.
“As happy as we were before having Jake, I
don’t think it compares to the happiness we
have since his birth,” Gores says ecstatically. “It
alters not only your whole life, but your whole
being.”
Gay D a&s ^aV'mg k iJs
a womb to carry their off-
spring, , gay men have to find help,
Some will use friends, while others
seek out paid surrogates. In either case, money
becomes a major issue for most men.
For couples, the question of which partner
will be the biological father is another issue to
be worked through. New research being con
ducted in Oregon, however, may eliminate the
need to choose just one to be the biological
father.
Medical researchers in the Beaver State are
experimenting with a technique that may
someday allow same-sex couples to have a
child genetically related to both partners. Sci
entists at the Oregon Regional Primate
Dan Dale (left) and Michael Byerley at the home they created for their three sons.
Below: Dale and Byerley’s three sons share a quiet moment.
Research Center plan to create a primate later
this year that will carry the genes of three dif
ferent parents. Two males will fertilize eggs, and
the resulting embryos will be fused and
. implanted in the surrogate.
Although an increasing number of men are
having children as single parents or with their
am unsure of most
things in my life. I
——B -
^ question every-
thing: my beliefs,
1 1 1 1 1 0 m
dreams, relationships,
values, morals and just
about everything else.
But I always knew I
wanted to be a dad. I
never questioned that.
by J onathan K ipp
Living on the East
Coast, West Coast, fat,
thin, rich, poor, long
hair, short hair, single, married, happy or sad, kids
were eventually going to be in my life. The question
was not if, but when? And how?
My short marriage didn’t produce any children. This is usu
ally viewed as a blessing by those who know me, but I never
really felt that way. I felt sad, like you do if you missed a great
opportunity. Later it was obvious that single parenthood was
not a viable option. I am way too, shall we say, “artistic" to sup
port and care for children on my own. I want sane children,
after all.
But I could never get past 90 days with the future-other-
father of my children. Somehow, telling them on the third date
that I wanted kids kind of set the stage for, well, the end. Year
in and year out I never learned to keep that quiet. It was too
important to me.
And then I met Eddie.
It wasn’t that Eddie wanted kids. He didn’t. But he didn’t
not want kids. There is a big difference. He was open to the
male partners, most gay dads are involved with
raising their children from a previous hetero
sexual relationship.
After marriage, two children and a stint in
the military, Michael Buonocore, 29, became a
single gay dad. W hen he met his partner, Dean
Sidwell, he decided to take several months to
C on tin u ed on P ag e 2 1
responses to our ad. They were from everywhere,
but most were from California.
All this activity was exciting, but I suddenly was
completely overwhelmed by it all and became para
lyzed. And angry. Straight people don’t have to go
through this. It isn’t fair!
For the first time in my life, I seriously ques
tioned the one thing I’d been so sure of since I was a
little kid. Did I want children.7 It is too hard and too
expensive. And I really didn’t like some of what I
saw in myself as a father anyway. T he foster kids
seemed to push every button I had. Maybe I wasn’t
any good at being a dad. Maybe I should just enjoy
Eddie, our dog and cats, our rehabbed Victorian on
a tree-lined street, walks on the beach, sunny get
aways, dinner out. Maybe we should be like every
Iff IH A
Don't I?
idea.
After 18 months together we became foster parents. We
agreed to do it "as an experiment” to see if we even liked being
dads. Almost four years later, we’ve cared for seven boys (ages 9
to 17) day in and day out. Many have had severe emotional
and psychiatric issues. We naively jumped in and just tried to
do our best. Surprisingly, being gay has never been an issue. We
are constantly ready for the issue to be raised, but nobody feels
like indulging us.
The children have been very challenging, but it’s dealing
with the bureaucracies that is the source of the most frustra
tion. Foster parenting has been incredibly rewarding and unbe
lievably stressful. But it has answered important questions for
us, which was our goal. We liked being dads. We liked staying
home more than not. We liked cooking for more than two. We
slowly introduce his daughters to Sidwell.
Eventually the two men combined households
and continued having Buonocore’s two young
daughters visit three weekends a month.
Buonocore says Sidwell is very involved with
the children and a positive influence on his
young daughters.
While divorce isn’t easy for anyone, Buono-
core expresses gratitude for the support he’s
experienced as he transitioned to his new life
and the positive relationship he now has with
his wife in raising their daughters.
“I’m grateful for the relationship 1 have
with their mom,” Buonocore says about his ex-
wife, explaining that the only thing he’d
change about his experience is to take away
the pain that the divorce brought to his former
wife.
W hile some gay dads share custody of their
children with their former spouses, many only
have court-ordered visitation.
According to an A CLU report, a vast
majority of states no longer deny custody or
visitation to a person based on sexual orienta
tion. In theory, state agencies and courts now
apply a “best interest of the child” standard to
decide the cases.
In Oregon, sexual minorities are beginning
to be certified for foster care and adoption in
increasing numbers.
There are in excess of 500,000 children in
foster care nationwide. (Oregon has over
liked homework struggles and Friday night Monopoly games.
It became very clear that we wanted our own family. We
wanted a family where caseworkers weren’t telling us what to
do with our kids and how to do it and how many milligrams of
this and that the kid should take. We wanted the kind of fami
ly where we didn’t have to get a permission slip to take our
kids across state lines!
I’ve heard parents say, “You don’t own your kids. They
aren’t chattel.” I say those people have never been foster par
ents. We wanted our own kids. We wanted to be able to hug
and snuggle with them and to send them to the school of our
choice. We wanted to raise our kids without ever hearing or
using the word appropriate or inappropriate ever again. We want
ed to be regular parents.
After researching and Net surfing, we went to an attorney
to get the lowdown on adoption. I was adopted at birth and
felt I knew a lot about it. But 1 was really unsure if two men
could adopt a baby in Oregon. Our lawyer said other same-sex
couples had done it.
So we signed up and started the process to adopt. The
lawyer also mentioned the possibility of surrogacy. We could
have our own biological child. We hadn’t given much thought
to that option. More questions to contemplate. This would
cost us only $35,000 to $45,000!
So we got busy on that track, too. Internet ads, home study,
papers to fill out, physical exams, criminal history checks, refer
ences, visits to the clinic for "donations,” e-mails and more e-
mails.
In response to our Internet ad, all these women were sud
denly offering to have a baby for us. Every day we received
one else.
And then I got the flu. Our weekend jaunt to Phoenix was
n’t going to be sunny, but I went anyway. I sneezed and
coughed and moaned and read Dan Savage’s book, periodically
looking out at the palm trees and wondering if this would be a
destination for us in the future— part of our fabulous childless
life.
I related to this author who, it turns out, adopted his son
just blocks from our house in Portland. 1 could relate to every
word. Thirty thousand feet in the air, nearing the last pages of
The Kid, I was edging toward tears, so I slipped on my sunglass
es. The glowing sunlight streaming in my window helped cast
the mood. I closed the book after it’s final word, and I had my
moment.
Eddie sat next to me, tapping away at his laptop. He rarely
questions anything after he makes a decision. He doesn’t over
analyze and talk himself out of things he wants. I admire him
for that. He glanced at me, reached over and patted my leg.
We were going to have a baby. We both knew it.
We are back to the papers and e-mails and the nonstop dis
cussions now. W e’ve since found a wonderful surrogate,
arranged to have one of our friends donate eggs, and a physi
cian to pull off the magic of making our little boy or girl. A
year from now we could be fathers. I frequently find myself
daydreaming about what it will be like at home with the baby.
I admit I still find myself questioning things. But now it’s
different. Should we move.7 Public or private school? Circumci
sion? Baptism? Godparents? Soy formula or regular?
I can do this, can’t I? I deserve this, don’t I?
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